Project Runway: Unconventional Challenge Recap

Okay, so I'm going to start blogging about Project Runway. My mum and I are huge fans - it's about gay guys and clothes, can't get much better than that. Let's make it work (I love Tim Gunn)!

Today these fabulous designers will be making clothes out of supplies from a pet store. It's the "Unconventional Challenge." I can't wait to see someone make a dress out of dog poop bags.
So I don't really have a plan for how I'm going to recap this, I'm just going with the flow.

Designer Breakdown

Danielle (one of mum's favorites): She's using wee wee pads, too! And netting of some sort.
Overall Grade: B+

Fallene (one of my favorites): She's a creative, native Coloradan. Couldn't ask for me. She's using some plastic plants for this, and it looks so super rad.
Overall Grade: B

Anthony "Rockin' One": He is in the top 4 of both me and my mum. He's making a pattern out of birdseed for the whole dress. I just want him to pull this off.
Overall Grade: A+ (This guy is amazing, how did he do that?)

I never thought I'd say that I'd wear a dress made out of bird seed.

Bert: He's in mine and mum's top 4. The dress is looking rather ugly, but he's just lucky to have immunity (which he knows).
Overall Grade: D (I'm disappointed.)

Julie: Another one from Colorado, way to represent. She's weaving the paper of cat food bags, which should be interesting.
Overall Grade: C+

Anya: This is the girl who apparently didn't know how to sow. Then why are you on the show?
Overall Grade: B+

Bryce: He's another one of my favorites. He's using a bunch of wee wee pads (funny name), and so are a bunch of other people.
Overall Grade: C- (The skirt looks like a bunch of tissues.)

Kimberly: I didn't pay much attention to her, sorry. She used a lot of rope.
Overall Grade: B- (One side looked incomplete.)

Josh C.: This is the one who thinks he's straight, even though we all know he's not. His outfit is a little bit boring.
Overall Grade: C-

Viktor: Another one using wee wee pads! After dying them purple, he made them look surprisingly good. I'm impressed.
Overall Grade: B+

Cecilia: She's putting a bunch of aquarium rocks onto muslin.
Overall Grade: C

Olivier: So, he is from Ohio...his accent is fake! I am no longer a fan (not that I ever was). Also, his name must be really be Oliver, but he calls himself Olivier. Onto the outfit, he's made a skirt out of rabbit bedding, and had some put on the girl's eyebrows.
Overall Grade: D+

Rabbits can live in my eyebrows.

Becky: She's using a lot of plastic plants. Awesome. It's very colorful.
Overall Grade: C-

Laura Kathleen "Barbie": Oh my gosh this girl is kind of dumb. She didn't think of how transparent the dog cone collar would be. (This is almost as good as last week, "You speak foreign?") Oh, and it's way too short, how did she not think of that?? So now she's making a skirt of a cat scratch thing.
Overall Grade: C

Josh McKinley "Pretty Boy": My mom loves him, he's in her top 4. I think she's also jealous of how perfect his eyebrows and hair look. Anyway, he's going way over the top. He's using tons of dog toys to make these heels looks rad. Then he made a top out of aquarium rocks.
Overall Grade: A- (PS: He kind of reminds me of these two fabulous gay guys my mum and I met in Portland. It makes me like him more.)

Results
Winner: Olivier/Oliver What?! His eyebrow thing was dumb, his accent is fake, and his dress wasn't that great.
Going Home: Josh C. I hope he goes home and finds a great man, er, woman (according to him, which is wrong).

Announcement: I think Anthony Ryan "Rockin' One" is going to win the whole thing. I usually say this the first episode, but I think this counts.

The Bachelorette: And the Winner Is...

Okay everybody, let's see who wins! Although I don't think ending up with Ashley necessarily qualifies as "winning".

First Ashley is meeting with her family, including her incredibly tattooed sister (no hate, they're just ridiculous tattoos). I'm sure her family is so happy to have been flown out to Fiji. Free vacation!

JP

He starts out by saying, "I'm just going to be myself," and my mom said, "Really, you're not going to be somebody else?" After about 5 minutes, Ashley's mom invited him into the family. But then Chrystie asked if JP made her laugh, and it seemed it was a no. Also, Chrystie hates JP because he's boring, and that made Ashley cry. (She's obviously upset because her tattooed sister is right.) Then Ashley talked to her sweaty, hot brother Eliot. That poor guy looked like he was about to have a damn heatstroke.
Now Chrystie and JP are going to sit down to talk. She totally accused JP of being boring (which I said from the moment he stepped put of the limo) and old. Chrystie told JP that he's way too old for Ashley and he can't handle her. He is 34 and Ashley is 27, is that really a big deal? Chrystie's tattoos have affected her brain. She's just going to have to deal with it, because Reality Steve has told me JP's going to win.
Then JP went and complained to Ashley, who told him she's easily influenced by other people. That's awesome, she doesn't think for herself. Obviously the producers set up all this drama so it's SHOCKING when JP wins.

Before Ben comes to meet the family, Ashley decided to talk to her sister. Chrystie keeps calling herself rational (although I'm not sure how rational a girl can be when she has that many ridiculous tattoos), and pretty much calling Ashley dumb. Guess what? Chrystie is right, Ashley is dumb. She keeps wanting to hear what she wants to hear, but freaks the eff out whenever Chrystie is honest, which she asked for. This drama is getting ridiculous.

Ben

Let's face it, I'm pretty cool. And Ashley is annoying.

Look, this guy is my favorite, but obviously not Ashley's favorite, for some strange voice. When Ashley accepts JP's proposal, I'll marry Ben (if he doesn't mind a rather big age gap). They did my favorite thing about Ben, where he talks in his "dog voice", it's so hilarious. Seriously, Ben is awesome, she should choose him. I'm now on a search for a guy like Ben, so hopefully this will turn out well.
Chrystie has decided that as Ashley's older sister, it's her responsibility to be a bitch (I don't think this, but Ashley does). It seems that Ben has gotten the Chrystie Stamp of Approval. It seems like Chrystie likes Ben, at least judging by the cheesy music in the background.
It seemed that everything with Ben went well, right? That's what will make the ending even more shocking! Good editing, producers.

I don't feel like reviewing the final dates, but Ashley went on a final date with Ben and JP. (I'm still willing to date Ben, especially after he used the word swimmingly. That's only if me and Winston don't work out.)

After the dates, they show Ben and JP showering or shirtless (absolutely necessary). First up, Ben goes to pick a ring by Neil Lane, and he was pretty cool, as usual. Then JP goes to pick a ring, and he was boring, as usual. I think that the losers should get to keep the ring for future engagements, especially since it will be super expensive.

The Men Propose
Both Ben and JP are arriving on a seaplane, just like how normal engagements happen.
The first man to arrive is Ben.

Poor guy is about to get rejected so badly. He looks rather dashing in his suit, I don't know how Ashley could reject him. Ben totally put his heart out on the table, right before Ashley breaks it. She even let him get down on knee?! And say she would make him the happiest man on earth?! What a bitch... Poor Ben did not see that coming, I actually feel bad for him (even if I do think this show is crap). Ashley chased after Ben as he walked away. He said, "I don't need you to sugarcoat this." Poor guy, I feel bad for Ben. And then they make him take a crappy boat back, rather than the seaplane. He said that JP is a safe choice, and I concur.

Then comes JP, and we already know how this one is going to end, with a ring on Ashley's finger.

Is this really a "win" for me?

What a dumb choice, he is so boring. Chrystie was right, and Ashley should have listened. Look, I don't need to watch all of this sappy crap. I know it's going to be so cheesy and ridiculous. So my mom made me watch this (thanks a lot), and JP made himself out to be such a romantic. I hate this. I think it's ridiculous how all of these proposals are so heartfelt and "let's be together forever," but that just doesn't happen on this show.
To clarify, The Winner: JP

I'm just going to combine the finale with After the Final Rose.

First they brought out Ben, who everyone loves (of course). Chris decided to show Ben the clip of when Ashley denied his proposal. What a pleasant reminder of a great day. As Chris said, that was one of the most genuine responses ever. Probably because it was one of the few scripted/guided moments of the show. Ben mentioned that he left Fiji, and went to his best friend's wedding. That must have been fun for him.
Now they're pulling Ashley onstage to hopefully make Ben feel somewhat better about what happened. When she came out, Ben said, "Nice ring." Classic. Then Ashley told him that he was her first choice, but then she changed her mind. Ben also said that he wanted to leave with some dignity (after Ashley let him get down on one knee, and then rejected him). Then he said that he's ready to find love. Is that a hint about him being the next Bachelor? I hope not...

Now they're bringing JP out with Ashley, so that we can see the happy couple. How adorable, right? Ashley said that he makes her feel complete, then they kissed a bunch of times.
Chris brought Chrystie onto the stage to explain why she hated JP (because he's boring). I didn't think it needed much explaining. But she apologized, after the show made a whole big deal of the drama.

Ashley announced that she is moving to NYC with JP. They haven't booked a wedding yet (meaning it won't happen), and Chris warned them that they'll probably fail like everyone else. They're also being sent back to Fiji. Hooray.

That's it. It's finally over! I will not be watching Bachelor Pad, because that show is even worse. Next season, I'll be back for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Music Review: Barry, "Yawnin' in the Dawnin'"

Hello again, folks. As I'm sure all of you know by now, I'm a huge music fan, especially music from unique, smaller bands. Today I'll be reviewing a folk rock band, Barry, comprised of three brothers from New York. Ben Barry is an English teacher (my future career), Pat and Ben are both former Marines, and Bradford is in school, but together they are following their musical dream. Major respect there. So, are you ready to rock and roll (or rock and folk, I don't know)? Good, let's get started.

Song by Song Review
Their EP starts out with the short song "Yawnin' in the Dawnin'", and at first I was skeptical. And then the foot stomping kicked in and I found myself tapping my feet along to the beat.
"For Your Own Good" starts out with a harmonica solo that is included throughout the song, and makes this rock song feel more bluesy. I love the voice of the singer (although I'm not completely sure which one is singing the most), and the harmonies with all three of them add to the folksy feel of their music. Easily my favorite off of the EP, this song skillfully balances folk and rock.
"Carnival(e)" has a darker feel with the fantastical lyrics and soft, low voice of the singer. This is another great example of how Barry can combine the folk and rock genres into one song. Not to mention the soft pounding of the bass drum makes this song very catchy.
"Three Years in Carolina" also features the excellent vocal harmonies of the brothers. The lyrics to this song feel very country and folksy, but the beat adds to the rock aspect of the band. As the song comes closer to the end, all we hear is the guitar and the singer, and that is truly a beautiful moment, and then it picks back up again (as all good songs do).
"Drink One More" comes up next, and it starts a little slow. I really like how the brothers switch off with the singing, and then harmonize in the choruses; it makes their songs much more interesting to listen to. The almost church choir-like harmonizing of their voices closer to the end of this song is haunting, I love it (I listened to it again after the song ended).
"Love Something Too Much" is another great example of the country-esque lyrics, but the folk rock feel makes the song less "hick-y" than if it were just another country song. One line from the song really got me, "She sang the saddest songs on the radio." The lyrics in this song are great, and I greatly admire when musicians write their own music, it adds to credibility and talent.
Last but not least, "Great Unknown" wraps up this EP. This song is one of those rock ballads that I could almost see being tied into a scene in a movie. I think this is another great song that epitomizes their balance of folk rock sound with emotional, almost country-style lyrics.

As I usually do with anything, Overall Grade of EP: B+
This was a great debut EP, and I can't wait to see what Barry has coming next. Their sound is unique and interesting, which makes them a great listen and I would (and will) suggest them to friends. They will appeal to many people because of how they combine rock music with country-style lyrics, which can be a hard thing to do. Overall, this was very good. My only problem is that sometimes it's hard to hear what they're saying over the loud music (specifically in "Great Unknown"), and their lyrics are truly great that deserve to be clearly heard. I can see Barry making it pretty big, and I really hope they do!

Here's more stuff about Barry for you music fans out there. A video, and a link to their website, and a message: PLEASE buy their music on iTunes. If you like this band (which I'm sure you do), please buy their music instead of downloading it elsewhere. They deserve the money and publicity for their music.
Check out Barry's website HERE!

"Carnival(e)"

Enjoy this dose of new music, guys!

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Okay everyone, it's time for The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All. Yipee.

They started out with a clip of Chris and Ashley talking about a bunch of random crap. From the Masked Menace to Mr. Sunshine, they covered all of the subjects of the show. But the most discussed topic was Bentley (apparently he's controversial). Ashley wanted to let people know that she saw a great side of him, even though his ex-wife contacted her and said Bentley is a douche bag. I'm shocked at how dumb Ashley was about that.

After the commercial break, Chris and Ashley discussed the unseen moments. This was easily the best part of the whole season. They showed Mickey Mouse being a wine goddess in Vegas (someone who fetches the wine, hanging on a harness and rope). He put the harness on and said "my manhood is in my stomach." Classic moment. Holy crap!!!! The producers of The Bachelorette must have read my blog, because they noticed the penis shaped decor in her hotel room. That was a great moment, and I think it calls for another view of that picture, along with my genius caption.

I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!

I'm going to comment on all of the dumb stuff. Just so you guys know.

Important Observation: The Masked Menace is not very attractive without his mask. He should just keep that on.
Also, they showed Squilliam imitating George W. Bush, it was hilarious. Even if he does act like a catty girl at times. Oh my lord... When all of these guys are talking (or rather bitching) about William, they sound like the jealous women on the Bachelor. They need to chill out.
All the guys trashed on Mr. Sunshine, and they compared him to a camp counselor. I don't see an issue with that comparison.

Poor Squilliam, he's about to be completely ripped into by the guys. While watching the clips of his "comedy," he plugged his ears (from embarrassment). Then he made a "funny and self-depricating" comment that made everyone left, even me. Some guy said, "So why are we here?" Then William said, "Because none of us can find a girl to date." Classic moment.

He really effed this one up, huh?

Next up, Ryan P., Mr. Sunshine, was pulled into the hotseat. It's gonna get intense. Hmm... I wonder why Ryan was sent home? Oh, I know, maybe because he talked about water heaters on a date! The last time I did that, I was totally denied. Lesson learned. Oh, Mr. Sunshine also bought a bunch of books that he read before going on the show. (As West said, "So you're saying this was like a math test?" That was great. PS: After hearing hisn name I fell in love with it, so one day I might have a child named West. Wait and see!) I now don't like Ryan. He's rather annoying.

Chris Harrison reminded Ames how he not only failed at a fight, but also failed at getting Ashley. How kind. Ames discussed how he wanted to take things slow (dumb, this show takes place in the matter of a month or something) and he thought Ashley was perfect, so he was shocked when he went home. Luckily, he's a better person for it. Phew, that means that he'll truly understand love when he joins the cast of The Bachelor Pad 2 (another quality show).

I look like a well-educated Ken doll.

"Let's talk about Bentley." Cue the boos. Oh, America, you've fed right into the producers' trap of hating this man. That is the only reason he's on the show, so everyone has someone to hate. All of the guys bashed on Bentley too, which is so strange since he was such a sweet, honest man! The best part about him is that he named his daughter Cozy (I wouldn't trust somebody who did that).
Then Chris pulled up Michelle, the one who warned Ashley about the douche baggery of Bentley. I think it's so dumb that she even trusted him. Seriously, Ashley is the dumbest bachelorette ever.

Okay, so then Ashley came out onstage, noticeably without an engagement ring (ooh, drama). Why does this show still continue when only ONE couple has ever stayed married, never mind engaged??
Now the guys are asking Ashley dumb questions, or making her feel like shit. Look, it's not her fault, the producers determined almost everything. Mr. Sunshine cheesed it up by thanking Ashley for being awesome (even though she isn't).

I'm so ready for this show to be over... But then, to make it worse, they've invited back 2 of the 3 most annoying bachelors/bachelorettes ever (Ali and DeAnna, just so it's clear), and they all look ridiculously tan and orange. Is Ali still engaged? I'm not really sure. I hate DeAnna, literally hate that girl. She is so annoying, and she "broke the heart" of Jesse who is from my home state, so naturally I sided with him. Observation: it appeared that Jason had on a wedding ring. Oh wait, he's married to Molly?! Say what?
Those are the only important things that happened. Everything else was stupid advice they were giving Ashley, and trying to make her seem better than she is (we all know how annoying she is, come on).

Here comes my absolute favorite part of the entire season: the funny moments we didn't see (the best ever will still be from Jillian's season). Also, it turns out that Ashley is a lot funnier than they made her out to be on the show. I love bloopers, on any show.

That's all, folks. Tomorrow night will be the season finale, and I can't wait (because I'll finally be able to stop watching this!), so tune in to my blog.

America's Got Talent: Results of July 27th

Here we go, America. It's time to send home 2/3 of the third dozen of performers. (I apologize for that truly terrible way of saying 8 performers will head home in shame tonight.) Let's get started!

To review, here were my predictions for the four moving on:
Professor Splash
Seth Grabel
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Lys Agnes

Oh my good lord... I must say that I hate when advertising is included in TV shows. Our world has become so full of advertisements and makes me mad! It's even worse when it's for some dumb kid's movie about small, blue creatures. I'm talking about the Smurfs, by the way.

Let's move on...
The First Act Moving On: Gotcha!
None of the first three acts they pulled onstage are moving on. I have to say that I'm rather pleased because at first I was worried that my guessing streak would be ruined from the start. Luckily, that didn't happen.

Stevie Nicks performed next. I didn't care, so I skipped through it (also, I was on the phone with and I convinced my best friend Laura Mora to write on her whiteboard using her feet. She told me that she's right-footed).

First Act to Move On (for real this time): Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.

But wait, there's more!
Second Act to Move on: PopLyfe

Maybe if America listened to Adele, we wouldn't be here.

So far I'm one for two. Damn you, PopLyfe, for not only ruining my streak but also for getting America to vote for you after I'm certain you ruined that Adele song! I hate teen pop bands...

Third Act to Move on: Lys Agnes

Aaand she's back! Now I'm two for three tonight (even if I think that number should be higher). I think that Lys needs to get her hair cut, and America obviously likes Colorado. So far they've voted through two Coloradans, and hopefully Professor Splash is the third from my (awesome) state.

To break up the monotony, they've brought back one of the top three acts from last year, Defying Gravity. I pretty much never watched this embarrassing excuse for a talent show last year, but I've seen this guys and they're so cool. I enjoy acts that risk their lives or do things to trip my mind (preferably both, though). Also, some of these guys are pretty cute when they're not wearing a block bodysuit.

More Stevie Nicks?! Look, I already saw her on another terrible NBC talent (or lack thereof) show, I don't need to see her again. I'm looking at you, The Voice.

I have to preface this next elimination by saying if the Shabbot Boys move on, I'm going to hunt down the people who voted for them. I know I said this yesterday, but I feel this cannot be iterated enough.
Classic moment just happened... When Nick Cannon said, "The next act going home is" (insert unnecessarily long pause here) "The Sh'Boss Boys." One of the little boys started cheering until another one told him they were leaving, and he immediately looked devastated. Sad, but classic.

This last one was up to the judges, between Professor Splash and Seth Grabel.
Fourth Act to Move on: Professor Splash

America follows Rachel's motto: Entertain me or die trying.

I didn't really care too much about this one. Either way my streak for the night would be three for four (damn you, PopLyfe).

There you have it, folks. Tune in next week for more AGT (I just learned about this cool nickname for the show). Adios!

America's Got Talent: The Third Dozen Perform

Okay America, let's move onto the third dozen of the top 48. Every week I was hoping to come up with a new way to say 12, but it's kind of hard to do so. Anywhoo, let's get started with the show that my Potato (dad) compares to "a terrible school talent show."

Summerwind Skippers

First of all, what a lame name. Second of all, jump roping? Okay...
Let me be honest here, I've always been jealous of jump ropers. I've never been able to jump rope very well, and these guys are doing tricks. But nothing about this act excited me. It's jump roping, for goodness sake (how exciting can that get?). The music was annoying, all they did was jump some rope, and I wasn't a big fan.
Piers started out as a cynic, but said they made "skipping sexy." Um....
Overall Grade: C-

Sh'Boss Boys

We have no talent, beside being super adorable.

My mom said, "Oh, the shabbot boys?" If only... So these are three little boys whose are being exploited by their parents by rapping. Nothing is better than little kids rapping (actually, I can think of many things that are better, like even the jump roping).
If I'm not mistaken, it appears that this act is a joke. Someone told these adorable little boys to inhale tons of helium before performing. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. This is the worst thing that I've ever had the misfortune of watching/hearing.
All of the judges sidestepped the fact that they were absolutely terrible and just commented on how adorable they are. We all know how adorable they are! That's the only reason they made it through the first round.
Overall Grade: D- If they make it through to next week, I will track down whoever voted for them and yell at them (I don't want to be too violent).

Mauricio Herrera

Someone please remind me why this guy is still in the competition? I guess it's because he lost weight (that's what he told everyone).
Mauricio enters the stage wearing a horribly tacky outfit that has way too much leather. My mom has commented that she doesn't think he knows they're mocking him. I'm not sure how he doesn't know, it's rather obvious. This is such a horrid performance, I went back to up the grade of the Sh'Boss Boys just because this was worse.
Both Sharon and Piers X'd him. Is that surprising to anyone? (I'm just surprised that Howie didn't also X him.) Ugh that was so terrible.
Overall Grade: F- Please America, just send him home!

Seth Grabel

Vote for me and my creepily arched eyebrows.

This guy is an illusionist. I hope that he has a fiance hotter than Swanky's, or else he'll be going home. Either that or his tricks are better (but really, who cares about the magic part?).
Apparently Seth is "going to risking my life for you, America." This is the way the entertainment industry should be - if you're not entertaining, you die. I'm genius. The whole set up for this illusion was so ridiculously cheesy, I almost didn't want to watch the act. After he fell into the tar, they "put" him into a cannon and blasted it when he "suddenly" appeared in that water thing. Uh, that was so obvious. He was in the water thing after falling and they carried a dummy. That was dumb, I figured it out so easily (and if I can figure it out, it isn't very good).
The judges seemed to love it. Why? Could they not figure out the simplicity in the illusion?
Overall Grade: C-

PopLyfe

Firstly, I hate that they spelled life wrong. That is so stupid to me. Secondly, I hate teen pop groups. Thirdly, I hate all of the drama the producers set up before the act to make it seem amazing when they pull it off.
Tonight they're singing "Rolling in the Deep." Sorry folks, I've decided to skip through this. I don't want some teeny boppers to ruin one of my favorite songs.
The judges seemed to love them. Clearly they don't listen to Adele (which they should).
Overall Grade: N/A Sorry everyone.

Ian Johnson

Nick Cannon said, "You won't believe what this guy can do with a yo-yo." Oh Nick, you don't know the yo-yo things I've seen (think what you will about that comment).
Let's see Ian try to make yo-yoing cool. First thoughts, the dancers are unnecessary. As my Potato said, "It's cool, but it's not a Vegas show." I couldn't have said it better myself. Ian is talented with a yo-yo, but I don't know how many people would go to watch a whole show of his (I wouldn't).
Piers X'd this guy and said, "it's still bloody boring." Howie said he'll be the best yo-yo act in the world, but agrees with my thoughts on the headline act thing.
Overall Grade: C-

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.

This guy has a shocking voice, let's see how he does.
He's singing "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra, which was one of my parents' wedding songs. They have high expectations for Landau! This is one of the best performances of the night, so far... His voice is interesting enough, but I think he belongs on Broadway (I'm totally right about that one). I loved watching his overwhelmed reaction to looking out at the audience. Special moment, my friends.
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan was brutally honest, as usual. The other two judges blah blah blahed all about how wonderful he was. Sharon said how proud she was of him, and Potato said, "Oh, did you raise him?" Classic.
Overall Grade: B

Purrfect Angelz

What we lack in talent we make up for in hotness.

Are they dead cats or something? Because that's what their name implies. Oh, wait, sorry, they've informed us, "We're besties!" This is sure to be a great act (sarcasm alert)!
Oh my lordy... These girls are pretty much dancing like strippers. Like Swanky's fiance, they're relying solely on their hotness (and some talent). Otherwise, this dance is reminiscent of some kind of weird, kinky porno. I'm not a huge fan, even if they can kind of dance. But it was terribly cheesy, to be honest.
Piers X'd them (rightfully so) because he thinks they don't have a chance of getting through. Howie compared this act to something at Hooters.
Overall Grade: C-

Monét

What a fancy shmancy name. This young girl is a singer who was left homeless after a hurricane. What a tragedy. The homelessness and singing don't relate, but I had to mention both of them.
So, when Monét said she would be singing "Home," my mind first went to Mumford & Sons (naturally). Then I realized it was probably the Daughtry one, and got excited. But no, it's some "Home" I've never heard before. Anyway, my Potato has mimicked the buzzer quite a few times already, and I agree. This little girl cannot hit any notes correctly, she was boring, and the only thing she has going for her is her sad story. Sorry, Monét, you gotta go.
How come nobody X'd her (my dad did)? Howie mentioned the missed notes, Piers also mentioned the pitchiness (but he sees real promise), and Sharon reminded her that she's poor and couldn't afford singing lessons. Rude.
Overall Grade: D Sorry, if you're going to sing, you better do it well. Exception: Me.

Captain & Maybelle

This tattooed, dangerous couple are constantly putting themselves in scary situations. But they measure up to my hopes for the entertainment industry (entertain me or die trying).
The 50's kitchen set up is really cheesy. Holy shit!! They hung a pan from their tongue and nose. And then I just about died when Captain put hooks into his lower eyelids and smung stuff around from it. I pretty much did what the judges did and kind of turned away from the screen. But I tried to watch everything for you, America (you're welcome).
The judges expressed their disgust and intrigue with this act. I couldn't agree more.
Overall Grade: B+ After hearing Captain's mini-speech about not judging by what they look like, I upped the score. And also, I enjoy the life risking thing.

Lys Agnès

She sings opera...I hate opera. Sorry but I tend to find it rather annoying. Lys has really long hair and that also bothers more. But I'll try to get over these short comings (even if it's difficult) and judge her correctly.
Hey guess what? She's from Colorado, gotta support my home state acts. This set up is so cheesy. Lys is standing behind a giant picture frame, and this reminds me of the painting from Harry Potter (the ones that move). I'm not a fan of opera! I don't know what the heck she's saying, and I doubt she knows either. Luckily, Lys has a relatively decent voice, but she did miss a few notes here and there.
Piers wasn't moved, but Howie and Sharon were. Whatever, I was bored.
Overall Grade: C

Professor Splash

For this final act (please be the final act), this crazy professor will be outside. He'll be jumping from a really extreme height (I don't remember what it was) into a kiddie pool into 12 inches of water. This is nuts.
I must admit that I'm rather terrified for this man's safety. What will happen to this man's School of Splash if he dies? (Since he's a Professor, I only assume that he has a school.) This guy is also from Denver! I'm so excited about all of my fellow Coloradans on this show. When he jumped, I held my breath. I think this guy gets off on scaring the crap out of people. Oh, he also set a world record of highest jump from 36 feet, 7 inches.
The judges seemed to love it. Of course, what's not to love about this death-defying stuntman?
Overall Grade: A How could I give him any less? He followed my motto, "Entertain me, or die trying."
Question: What made Professor Splash decide to go into this line of work? Did he wake up one morning and say, "Hey, maybe I should start jumping from extreme heights into small amounts of water."? What a crazy guy.

Here's my top 4 predictions:
Professor Splash
Seth Grabel
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Lys Agnès

See you tomorrow!

The Bachelorette: Drama and Fantasy Suites in Fiji

It's time, once again, for The Bachelorette. We are getting one step closer to learning who will win (although I wouldn't consider being with Ashley a "win"), which means it's time for the fantasy suites. Basically, this is the episode where Ashley has sex with three different guys in the matter of a few nights. That is the foundation of a great relationship.

This episode will not only contain "fantasy suites," but it will also have tons of drama. Why? Because someone is coming to Fiji to beg Ashley to give them one more chance! I can already tell you it's Ryan, Mr. Sunshine. I hate when the producers bring someone back, it's really stupid.
Anyway, onto the show.
Let me set up this dramatic scene for you. Ashley is told by the producers, "Okay, something crazy is going to happen before your date with Ben. So write in your diary and take a few minutes adjusting your earrings and shirt. Then act surprised when there is a knock at the door." That all happens, then Surprise! It's Mr. Sunshine at the door (I would like to thank Reality Steve for informing me of this ahead of time).

Mr. Sunshine "justifies" his coming to Fiji by saying, "What if she's regretting sending me home?" Uh, I doubt it, or else she wouldn't have sent you home. The whole exchange that will happen is going to be ridiculous, so I'm mostly going to mock everything.
So Mr. Sunshine pretty much told Ashley that he's getting old and desperate and realized she's young and pretty, hence he deserves another chance. Also, Ryan said he called Chris Harrison so he could see Ashley again. Really? I think he means that Chris called him. Ryan is in Fiji for a couple of days and wants Ashley to come see him. Does anyone else find it to be a strange "coincidence" that he came back on the fantasy suites episode? I don't, in fact I'm positive Ryan came back just to sleep with Ashley.

Ben

Someone doesn't look too excited about the fantasy suite...

It's time for Ashley's date with Ben after they last saw each other in California. He is just glad to spend time with her on the water. Oh, and the date is on a huge, fancy boat. No big deal.
God, this episode is always my least favorite (since we get to watch the contestants in their most intimate moments). Including putting sunscreen on. Ashley said, "Do you wanna put it on my back?" Then my mom said, as if she were Ben, "I'd rather put it on your breasts." Then he did! This show is quality television. After the sunscreen ordeal, intense music started to play as they went scuba diving. I love it when I have dramatic background music to moments in my life.
Before Ashley sleeps with Guy #1, they have dinner together at some remote location. How is the food kept warm before delivering it to them? (These are the kinds of things I often ponder.) Anyway, they talk about a bunch of cheesy stuff during dinner, blah blah blah. Then Ben says, "We should say the whole I love you thing." (He's obviously a hopeless romantic.) Oh, and we get to hear every last, unnecessary sound of their kissing. How awesome!
Ben accepts the fantasy suite invite, so it's time for them to get it on. As the audience, we are so lucky because we get to watch everything up until they actually sleep together. They might as well make this god damn show a porno sometimes.

Constantine

Cheers...to me leaving.

Is anyone else still surprised this Greek caveman made it this far? I am! He's always flown under the radar. Speaking of flying, they're going to be riding in a helicopter. Hell yes! Oh my god Ashley is so annoying. "I have a Greek god to the left of me, and the blue water below me." Greek god, really? What is he the god of?
Anyway, they arrived at a waterfall after the helicopter. Ashley and Constantine are going to take "a leap of faith" off of a rocky waterfall. Aaand cue the dramatic orchestra (the music in this show literally kills me). After they swam for awhile, they had a picnic next to the water. Ashley complained about Constantine looking at a bunch of houses and compared it to women. She said, "You think things through. It takes time and effort." Duh! What is the problem she sees in this? Sorry that Constantine enters relationships like most normal people who aren't on a dumb reality tv show.
Time for dinner! Ashley asked if it's weird for Constantine to be dating the same girl as his friend, Ben. I think the way to make this show less weird is to feature only polygamists (although some might think they're weird). Anyway, during dinner Constantine pretty much said that he doesn't want to propose to Ashley. So he probably won't sleep with her that night, to Ashley's dismay.
Oh snap! Constantine decided it was time for him to go since he wasn't ready to be committed to Ashley. He left during dinner and didn't even pay before going, that jerk.

Funniest part of the episode: during Ashley's date with Constantine they flash to Ryan standing alone amongst tons of rocks at the beach. Then they keep showing clips of him alone. Poor Mr. Sunshine.

Ryan aka Mr. Sunshine

I'm super annoying, you're super annoying, we're perfect for each other!

Ashley actually chose to show up at his hotel! She decided to save Ryan from his desperate loneliness (the lonely shots were taken the same day that Ashley showed up, he's wearing the same shirt).
When they were talking, Ashley said she was "distraught" after sending him home (big word for her). She also said, "you're one of the best guys I've ever met, but........I know I made the right choice." She really knows how to let someone down lightly. Ryan has his head in the clouds because he thought he would come back and everything would end perfectly. Really, Ryan? Do you ever watch this show? No one ever ends up with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, even if they do "win."

JP

Let's get engaged for a few weeks.

So JP and Ashley blah blah blah-ed about a bunch of romantic crap before something came speeding toward them on the water. It's a plane. He's going to win. I guessed that Ben would, but Reality Steve has told me otherwise.
They flew on this sea plane and took in the view. I just love how realistic these dates are. I've mentioned my parents' first date before (the one in Taiwan or something), but their second date was on a sea plane in Fiji. They were engaged by the 5th date, and nearly 18 years later they're still together. That's exactly how Ashley and JP will end up! Right....?
JP told Ashley that his family had rave reviews about her. Is she a movie? Ugh I don't want to watch this anymore.
Here's the rest of what happened: they kept talking. And they splashed around the water and such. Then they had dinner and talked about cheesy stuff, because it's good material for TV.
After JP accepted the fantasy suite card, Ashley slept with Guy #2 of the week. Hopefully Ben didn't have an STD, or else all three of them could have it. (As you can probably tell, I find the fantasy suite thing ridiculous, especially since it's mostly all in front of cameras.)

Ashley talked to Chris Harrison, because he's pretty much her therapist. Obviously no one will be going home, because next week is the proposal. Yippee.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley says her "heart is on the line." It is? Because there are two guys left, and the next episode is two guys...
Did anyone see the side boob in Ashley's dress? Because my mom did and pointed it out to me and Potato (PS - that's the nickname for my dad).

Who Goes Home Tonight: Constantine But not by Ashley's doing, he left on his own. Good choice, he got out of there unscathed!

Next week is the engagement episode. Prepare yourselves, America, it's gonna get real (read: scripted). See you then!
Oh, Sunday is The Men Tell All episode. I may or may not watch it, I haven't decided yet.