Guess Who Decided to NOT Run for President?

I wish that this title could have been plural, as in "Guess Which Three People Decided to NOT Run for President?" That would make this post extra exciting, but I guess one will do (and this one is a biggie).

If you've already heard, pretend I'm breaking the news right now. So, the person who decided to NOT run for president is, drumroll please.....

I'm too rich for you, America.

Yes, America, feel free to let out a collective sigh. This orange haired and skinned man has decided to not run for President of this great country (thank Jesus H. Christ!). So why do you think he decided to not run? Because I'm almost positive it's because he didn't want to release any information about his economics or taxes. That could be terrible for him as a candidate and a businessman.
But enough of my speculating, let's see what The Donald said for himself (thank you, CNN):

"After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election."

Naturally, he would have won. He probably would have won and then taken over this country and made us all into Trump Robots (this was his new business idea).
So, again, why did he decide to not run?

"Business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."

 But of course. I'm super glad he's not running, because we need him for business, and the Celebrity Apprentice. Without him, what would I watch on Sunday nights? Nothing!

Look, I have a theory as to why he really decided to not run. Because Obama and Seth Meyers embarrassed the crap out of him at the Correspondents dinner on April 30th. Seriously, they slammed him. It was beautiful. And Trump hated it. Take a look:

Mr. President Obama slammed Trump. Amazing. 

Seth Meyers just put his name on Donald Trump's hit list. Worth it? I think yes. My favorite line: "Mr. Trump has been saying he'll run for President as a Republican, which is surprising since I had just assumed he was running as a joke." Boom.

So, America, you're welcome. I have broken this news, and we can all thank Donald Trump for not running for President. If only we could convince Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann to do the same...
In the meantime, here's a great picture of The Donald's hair (?):