The Voice: Let's Judge the Suck Factor of the Semi-Finals

Time for The Voice and Distracting Theatrics. It's the semi-finals, and it's about to get real. Stay tuned!

Christina's hair resembles a trashy Marie Antoinette tonight (seriously, crimped and pink stripes?). How fantastic.
Also, CeeLo is wearing TWO giant, bedazzled watches. Why two? In case one time happens to be a little off?
Does anyone else realize how The Voice never brags about the tons of votes (or lack thereof) they receive? That can't be good.

CeeLo's New Team: (If the Thompson Sisters get picked to stay, I'm throwing in the towel.)
-Vicci Martinez (America's save - Excellent job, America. Despite the suck factor of this show, you picked a relatively talented vocalist.)
and
-Nakia (CeeLo's choice - After about 10 minutes of intense deliberation and consulting both watches, he picked the Resident Caveman. He was right though, I do agree with this decision.)

Adam's New Team: (First, if Devin is picked I may or may not pitch a fit. Second, Adam is hot. That's all I have to say about that. How about a picture of this hottie?)

50% of our audience tunes in just to see my gorgeous face.

-Javier Colon (America's save - Nice job once again, America. Although this guy thinks children's lullabies could be about dead people, he has a semi-decent voice.)
and
-Casey Weston (Adam's choice - Look, Adam, I gotta thank you for not picking Devin, the singer worse than me, or Jeff, the Bieber Fish. But Casey is annoying, and she copied Taylor Swift's heart thing just now. New nickname, Taylor Swift Wannabe.)

Now it's time for the great music and distracting theatrics! Only of the previous assertions is true (hint: not the great music part).

Frenchie Davis

This bald, lovely lady will be singing "Like a Prayer." I think Frenchie belongs in church with Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk.
Wow this isn't very good at the beginning. Her vocals sound off and forced, and it's not at all what it should sound like. Also, the supposed church singers aren't dancing like they would in church. So, Frenchie stepped it up at the end of the song (but not soon enough for me to enjoy this song). All in all, this was a very annoying performance. Christina tried way too hard to combine church and dance music and the result was chaos.
The judges all seem to love Miss Frenchie Davis. I'm indifferent. Oh, Christina complimented Frenchie's lungs (boobs?).
Overall Grade: C

Nakia aka Resident Caveman

Who is apparently a diva. He was being fanned backstage. That would never happen on American Idol.
He will be performing "What Do You Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert. Hey, guess who realized that the way to make The Voice better was by adding some Idol into it? CeeLo. Congrats, man.
He has taken to the piano, which is always a good sign. After the beginning of this song, The Resident Caveman really kicked it into gear (he even kicked over the piano chair, which I was going to suggest before he did it). Here's my issue with Nakia: he isn't very consistent within a song. He has strong moments (such as the chorus), but he lost my interest during the verses because the vocal strength just wasn't there. I was expecting more oomph. Still pretty good, though.
Whoa, Adam! Nakia sang it better than "the original artist"? I don't think so, Mister. Adam Lambert is kick ass. Then Blake Shelton also insulted Lambert by saying it was like an award show performance, but on tune. (What a jerk.)
Overall Grade: C

Dia Frampton

Fun factoid about Miss Dia: She and her sister have a band called Meg & Dia. I checked them out, and they're not that great (despite Dia's wonderful voice), but you might like them.
She's singing "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. Love this song! Wow Dia is truly an artist, reminiscent of James' and Paul's directing abilities (it comes from being awesome).
Wow this is haunting already. Seriously, I dig Dia's originality, but it's genuine. Her voice is beautiful and I love the clapping thing (although I'm pretty sure that's in the original too). Also, Dia started rocking out while playing the guitar, which I love. This girl is rad! She can rock out while still being a cute, innocent singer. Way to go. Still, she's a bit too modest. Own your talent!
Christina expressed some jealousy of Dia's awesomeness. She's probably pissed she didn't pick Dia.
Overall Grade: B+ Yep! Can you believe it? I liked this song, and Dia has shown she's really an artist.

Side Bar: Some people have complained about the American Idol judges being softies, but I'm convinced these guys are worse. Seriously. There are no mentions of pitchiness and no boos from the audience (which I'm convinced is necessary).

Casey Weston aka Taylor Swift Wannabe

I wish I were Taylor Swift. And that my voice would mature past age 5.

This girl with an annoyingly high voice (that makes her sound like a 5 year old) will be singing "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston.
Ugh it's way too shaky. I hate it already, stop being nervous! It sounds like Casey is singing into a fan (which I used to find funny as a kid, but now it's just stupid). Another annoying part: They are trying to make her the Lauren Alaina of The Voice. She's sickeningly sweet, and she always wears cowboy boots with prom dresses (stupid).
So, Blake pretty much implied he would dump his wife for this hot, recent high school grad. That's a problem. Casey's gots to go.
Overall Grade: D+

Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguliera
They'll be singing "Moves Like Jagger." Quite frankly, the title alone annoys me already. I really like Maroon 5, but Christina has gotten on my nerves more than usual since I started watching this dumb show.
Adam doesn't sound as good as he usually does, but what can you do (except complain)? I'm pretty sure he's singing about having sex with a girl, like Mick Jagger has sex... How does he know what that's like? But seriously, this song is quite terrible. Then Christina and her trashy Marie Antoinette hair came onstage...and it got even worse. I can easily and gladly go the rest of my life without hearing this song again.
PS - Is Christina pregnant? Or does she just have a little bit of a belly...?
PPS - My dad and I have had many discussions about Maroon 5, and we're convinced they can and will never top their first album (which was spectacular). How unfortunate. But they'll keep trying anyway, with terrible songs about Mick Jagger.

Side Bar: Try outs for the next season of The Voice start now! I'm going to try out with my banjo (I'm teaching myself to play right now). If Devin Barley can make it with his horribly horrible voice, I can make it with my marginally better voice.

Beverly McClellan

Christina picked for her to sing "The Thrill is Gone." I want to hear bagpipes and/or a saxophone. Preferably both, but I'm lenient. Hey Christina, Beverly is the contestant, not you (get off the damn mic)!
I like this lady. She is unique and her voice captures your attention. Plus, there's an orchestra and red piano (which makes up for the lack of sax and bagpipes). Beverly is an artist, and it is apparent she really loves music. Also, she's one of the only contestants that is consistent, within a song. She reminds me of a female James Durbin! And that is the highest compliment I can give.
The judges love this quirky artist. She's pretty kick ass.
Overall Grade: B+ I know, I know, what? Two B+s in one night? I guess I'm feeling nice.

Javier Colon

He'll be singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. I think he could pull this off.
Javier has a great voice, but there is a problem: his baseball cap. That thing needs to go when he's onstage. He listened to me, it's gone now (but now he looks older, to be honest... Put it back on).
Anyway, the vocals were good too. I'm verging on sleep (it's late, and I had a long day at the, uh, office), so I'm not fully aware of what's happening on the show. But the ending of this song was beautiful. Javier sings with tons of emotion in his voice. Awesome.
The judges are more excited about Javier taking off his hat than his actual vocals. Because that's the important thing to talk about. Then CeeLo dropped names (Chris and Gwyneth). Adam mocked him and said, "Hi I'm CeeLo and I know celebrities." Classic.
Overall Grade: B

I'm skipping through Blake Shelton. But first, there are two special guests which I will guess: Miranda Lambert and CeeLo.
Dammit I was wrong. The special guests are Dia and Xenia. This song is ridiculous, it belongs in a children's cartoon (this is country gone bad).

Xenia (this name should not be pronounced the way it is, because the spelling gets me all confused)

This is my prison-esque dress.

She's performing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. Ooh, I want someone to attempt to sing Mumford & Sons (and then crash and burn, and Marcus and Winston somehow appear onstage and it turns into a full-fledged concert. Well, a girl can dream...).
I did not realize how good this girl's voice is. I'm going to give her Best Performance of the Night and be done with. (Minus that one awkward note, this was as flawless as a 16 year old singer can get.) Her tone is stunning, and so bluesy. Gotta love it. She needed a saxophone.
The judges adored her. And I sense a hint of jealousy in the other judges' voices. Xenia could (and probably will) win this thing.
Overall Grade: A- Sheesh, I am way too nice tonight!

Vicci Martinez

"Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. Love this song! Guess what? Florence + The Machine are on The Colbert Report tonight. I should be watching that right now...
Her hair is way too high. This is my least favorite of Vicci's performances, and, to be quite honest, her voice is kind of annoying in this song. But I did think the drum thing was pretty cool (despite how much I hate the over-the-top theatrics of this show). Not a fan tonight.
Adam liked her hair? You crazy, boy. Blake called this the most powerful of the night, but I think it was the most psycho performance of the night (okay, that might be a bit much).
Overall Grade: C

So, the voting is weird. I don't feel like explaining it, because your brain might explode. But pretty much America AND the judges decide who moves on (how American Idol should be, to prevent James Durbin from not winning).
Until next time (tomorrow)!

PS - The producers of The Voice need to turn off the damn fans. They're inside, their hair isn't really going to move like that. Thanks.

The Voice: Semi-Finals, Adam and Cee Lo's Teams Perform (Terribly)

Dear Blogosphere,
I'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode of "The Voice." I'm sure you're devastated, but I didn't even have a desire to watch. I do this for you!
Love,
Rachel

Have we annoyed the crap out of you yet?

So let's get this thing started. First, a quick recap from what I missed last week.
Christina and Blake's teams performed (and judging by the recap, they all did terrible), and they sang.

Before we get to the rest of the (crappy) singers, we have to see which of the (talentless) competitors made it to the next round.
Voting was open for a week (that's more than enough time for people to lose interest). One singer from each team will make it, then Christina and Blake will choose one more person. So, basically, two people from each team are eliminated.

Christina's new team (she's fake crying her way through this elimination while her orange boobs pop out of her dress):
Beverly McClellan (America's save - sweet, she wore a kilt and she's bald, I like her already)

and
Frenchie Davis (Christina's choice - apparently, this was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. She clearly hasn't made many hard decisions)

Christina's team is now comprised of two bald women.

Blake's team: Later in the show? Thanks, Carson! Way to be like Ryan Seacrest.

Tonight, Adam and Cee Lo's teams are competing. Exhilarating.

Tori & Taylor Thompson
So I just learned that the judges/coaches pick the songs for the artists (dumb). An all-red clad Cee Lo chose "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" by the Andrews Sisters. Well, this sounds like a song from The Wiggles to me (which actually makes sense, with their alliterative names).
Performance:
Sorry, I didn't realize this was a pageant competition! What the eff are these ridiculous sisters wearing? I can already tell you this will be terrible. I don't understand the whole choreographed, full out performance thing (this show is called "The Voice," if I'm not mistaken), but it's probably to distract from the obvious lack of talent. The Thompson Sisters sound terrible. In the words of my mom, "These girls do have something going for them, their cleavage." That's the only way they'll get votes.
While judging, Christina had to relate it to herself, of course. She enjoyed "the legs coming at me." Awesome. Oh, and they make Cee Lo proud to be an American. Strange, because I had the complete opposite feeling.
Overall Grade (new thing I'm trying): F

Casey Weston
Adam picked "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" for her to sing. This girl kind of annoys me.
Interesting, I didn't realize that a good way to showcase talent is to sing it exactly as it is sang by the original artist. What the eff is this show? Dancing backup singers, guys playing trash cans (like Stomp), and bizarre angles of her performance. I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'll continue to say it: This show sucks. Casey's voice is grating and I don't want to listen to this. She has missed quite a few notes or sang them wrong, and this was not very good.
I disagree with the judges/coaches. This was not a good performance.
Overall Grade: C

Vicci Martinez
Cee Lo chose "Jolene" for Vicci. I love this song! When Brooke White sang this on season 7 of American Idol, I immediately loved it (I bet Brooke did it better).
Vicci is one of the few contestants I actually like on this train wreck of a show. The acoustic in the beginning was pretty, and quite frankly, she should have continued with that. But I hate the candle set-up, totally cheesy. Vicci's voice works with this song, it isn't forced and works very well with the lyrics and feel of the song. But, she sang it at almost the exact tempo as the original (although it felt different).
The judges dig it. Christina said some stuff about it being sexy. Guess who needs more bronzer? Christina. Seriously, I don't think she's orange or sparkly enough yet.
Overall Grade: B

Devin Barley
Yuck. Anyone who reads this blog knows how much I hate this kid. Adam chose "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic for him to sing (it's going to be terrible, it's just so overdone).
Blow your nose! Clear your sinuses! Or stop singing like you're sick! (No one should naturally sound like he does, it's clearly a forced, faked originality. It doesn't work.) Agh! It's too painful to watch. This is possibly the least talented person I've ever heard sing (and I've heard myself sing). This poor guy literally cannot hit any note. He should've stopped before he began. The only amusing part? Devin started grinding on the mic stand. Adam said he should treat the mic stand as an anchor, not a stripper pole.
Carson asked, "Are you glad that's over?" YES!! Oh, and Christina hit on him while twirling her giant braid, then her miscellaneous tiny braids (seriously, is she ten? An adult woman should never wear her hair like that).
Overall Grade: F--

Quick montage: Cee Lo's team members in robes (something I did not want to see). I'm not sure why he had them all wear robes, but I think we can figure out they're at a spa. Also, Cee Lo encouraged murder and the use of nun chucks. Umm...
Oh great, this love fest isn't over. Now they're all dressed as hippies and singing some lame song. I'm fast forwarding. My brain cannot handle this corniness.

Nakia
For The Resident Caveman, Cee Lo chose "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon. Well, alrighty then.
So, I think Nakia's voice can definitely pull off the Kings of Leon sound - but that is precisely the problem (for me). He should sing something that is a challenge, that surprises us when he can pull it off. No doubt, this was a solid performance, but nothing that blew me away. Oh, and did you see the fire dancers? See what they did there, since he's singing "Sex on Fire" (nice attempt to be clever, Cee Lo)?
Blake is turned on by Nakia. How will his new wife, Miranda Lambert, feel about this new knowledge?
Overall Grade: B-

Jeff Jenkins
Adam chose "Jesus Take the Wheel" for this Southern boy. I love this song, I love Carrie Underwood, and I don't want to hear him destroy this song (in a bad way).
This poor guy looks like a sad fish, with gross Bieber hair (family tradition, we compare people to animals all the time). I already don't like it. He's cheesing it up on stage by looking off when he's singing to try to look thoughtful. Ugh this is horrendous! He literally has no talent and no cool factor (although they clearly tried, by putting him in a lame leather jacket that he would otherwise never wear). When he dragged out the "wheel" near the end, it was so bad. Jeff cannot hit notes!
Overall Grade: D+

Now Team Adam assembled and they talked and then performed some horrible rendition of what was probably a good song. I'm skipping through it because it might make me puke.

Curtis Grimes
Cee Lo chose "Addicted to Love," to challenge him to make it country. Awesome.
Guess who he kind of sounds like (but not as deep)? America's favorite teenage country star, Scotty McCreery, Flute Extraordinaire. America loves country music, so I predict him as the winner.
This humble, conservative guy has strippers dressed as cowgirls parading around the stage (how stupid). His voice is way too quiet for this song. The instruments overpower his voice, which could be halfway decent if he was singing an actual country song. But whatever, I don't make the important, executive decisions Cee Lo has to make (which clearly involves hiring strippers to dance on stage).
Adam's comment is that he really wears a cowboy hat well. Okay, thanks for that helpful criticism. Then the other judges talked about themselves some more. I didn't think it was possible, but these judges are worse and more ADD than the ones from American Idol.
Overall Grade: C

And, finally, the last performance of the night (I was worried this would never end).
Javier Colon (pronounced like the sweet smelling fragrance, not the gross body part)
Adam chose "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. Another song I adore, and if it is ruined I will cry every time I hear it (not that I don't already, what with the association of the heartbreaking ASPCA commercials).
Javier said this reminds him of a lullaby he would sing to his children. Yeah, of course. When I couldn't sleep as a baby my parents would sing songs to me about a dead person. Very comforting to young children.
Javier has a pretty good voice (probably the best of Adam's team), and this was a solid performance. Nothing remarkable either way, but probably good enough to keep him through to next week. No matter how mediocre this is (but, in terms of The Voice's level of talent, mediocre = show stopping), Sarah McLachlan's version is amazing to an exponential degree. I give up on Javier now.
Christina flirted with him, of course. That's her shtick, unnecessarily flirting with nervous contestants. Nice.
Overall Grade: B

Onto more eliminations. Goodbye, losers (harsh? Yes).
Blake's New Team:
Dia Frampton (America's save - good decision, America. She's actually talented.)

and
Xenia (Blake's choice - I don't know who she is. That's all I have to say about that.)

Okay America, enjoy your recap. Tune in next week for another snarky, unnecessarily (but hilariously) rude commentary on this talentless talent competition.
Good night!

The Voice: The Singers Duke it Out, Vocally - Part 1

It's time again for that show I'm not a huge fan of. The Voice. Why is their symbol a peace sign? Lame. (Just so it's clear, I actually get it.)

So it's the battle round, and Christina Aguliera makes it sound like if they don't win, they'll die! Intense. I'd also like to add that I'm pretty sure Christina got a boob job for this show. No one her size has boobs that big. Seriously.

I mean, come on...

First pairing is Frenchie Davis and Tarralyn something-or-other (oh, and there's tension, gotta love drama) and they're gonna sing "Single Ladies." When Christina was singing with them, she messed up the words and said she doesn't care about singing the words right. Duh! When she sang the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, she totally messed up the words. Lame.
Oh, and does anyone recognize Frenchie from American Idol (or some little thing called Broadway)? Apparently she was disqualified because she took topless pictures before the show. Here's Frenchie.

(She's a pretty big girl...)
So, Tarralyn Ramsey sounded terrible. Seriously. It's like she went to the Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk School of Singing. Frenchie did okay.
After much struggle and cluelessness from Christina and Australian lady, the Winner: Frenchie.
Haha! This is great. Tarralyn and her terrible wig are out. Of course Frenchie would make it, it's because American Idol spots talent first.

From Blake Shelton's team:
Patrick Thomas vs. Tyler Robinson. "Burning Love" by Elvis, and Tyler thinks Patrick is cute. He also wants to make people love him, and guess what? I already do (if someone is gay, I will immediately love them; and if they struggled with being gay and Mormon, double plus). Let's take a look at my dear little Tyler.

Seriously, look at him. If he goes home, I'll be very upset. I mean, Tyler is wearing big, nerdy glasses with a suit and bowtie. I'm rooting for my gay Mormon! I'm trying to find a Paul McDonald-like contestant (as in compared to my fandom, but maybe to a lesser degree) on The Voice, but it may not ever happen again.
Patrick sounds like he's trying way too hard to sound country and distinctive - be yourself (and his vest is horrid)! Tyler is so soulful. Guess what they made him? "I'm flaming." Shame on you, The Voice. I really like Tyler, and his attempts to show up Patrick (which he did, in my opinion).
Alright, intense deliberation time between Blake and Reba. They better choose Tyler, my darling gay Mormon! Cee Lo agrees with me, rock on, and so does Adam Levine.
Winner: Patrick.
What the hell Blake?! Why didn't you choose Tyler? Bad choice, my friend. Because you have lost a fan (one which you never even really had in the first place), hopefully this makes you understand your decision was wrong. Sheesh.

Sorry, America, I've had enough heartbreak for one night (actually, it's just time for Stephen Colbert). I'll recooperate from this sudden lost, and post the rest tomorrow night.