Words of Wisdom: Stephen Colbert Speaks About ID Laws

Okay America, I'm posting more about Stephen Colbert's genuis. Tonight he was discussing the ridiculous ID laws that are being passed in many states that are making it harder for people (such as the poor, students, etc.) to vote. Let's check out Colbert's take.

"I'll tell you what, these ID laws prove Republican legislators are great judges of who should vote. So let's just cut out the middleman and let only Republican legislators be voters. That way we will finally be certain that only the right people get elected."

So there you go, folks. Colbert is truly wise, and if we lived by his words, I think the world could truly be a better place.

America's Got Talent: Second Batch of 12 Perform

Hello America (and maybe other countries, I don't know)! It's time to examine the talent of our country. Although I'm not completely sure that this is a good sampling of the talent in our country. Let's get crackin'.

Side Note: I thought the show was on at 7 (my time), but it's not. So now I'm watching that lame show It's Worth What. This looks stupid, but obviously I watch stupid shows.

Good news guys! Two of my favorite gay performers are on tonight! That is the only reason I'll (try to) pay attention tonight.

Attack Dance Crew

According to Nick Cannon, these guys are passionate about the ladies. Good to know.
These guys walked out wearing track suits with neon green, it's pretty obnoxious. I think dance crews are pretty cool, but these guys aren't meeting my cool standards. The best part of the performance was when one dude was thrown over three guys. Otherwise, yawnfest (I guess I'm with Howie, I don't get it).
I agree with Sharon, "The choreography wasn't spectacular." I really want her and Piers to start use British slang, because I want to learn more British things.
Overall Grade: D

Justin Bieber's Sister: Dani Shay

Still not Justin Bieber.

Attention everyone: she is one of my favorite performers on this show. She's so super talented and just damn awesome.
Tonight Biebster's Sister is singing "Babylon." This stage setup is really stupid. Why the couch on stage? This song started out pretty weak. My mother kept mentioning that they're making her too poppy (as in pop-music like), and that's NOT good. I love Dani and I usually think her voice is great, she reminds of Brandi Carlisle, but tonight was her weakest performance. She sounded very nervous and shaky, and she can do so much better than that! I hope people vote for her despite this.
Sharon and Howie seemed to like it, but Piers mentioned that some was off key, and I agree.
Overall Grade: C-

Geechy Guy

I love comedians. I've always wanted to be a comedienne, but I worry that my humor may destroy the whole industry because all of the other comedians will leave because of me.
Geechy Guy walked onto the stage with two women dressed as whoopie cushions, which wad weird. So, this guy isn't very funny. Plus, he stole a joke from The Office. "Disposable cameras are great because you take pictures and then throw it away." You thief! Kelly from The Office did this with a disposable camera (it was really only funny then).
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan majorly insulted Geechy. I get it though, he wasn't funny at all.
Overall Grade: F
PS: His fingers are creepy. Just so you know.

Daniel Joseph Baker

Rachel, will you be my friend?

I love him! He's gay and wears bowties, so obviously I love him a lot. I want to be Daniel's best friend (I will post this in every recap until he responds to my request).
Holy crap. He has a zebra pattern piano. Oh my goodness, Daniel has such an amazing voice. And he's singing "Edge of the Glory" by Gaga! He does this song justice times a million dollars (in his words), and he sounds amazing and so fierce. Daniel truly has a unique voice and he definitely has a great stage presence. I love him so much!
Aww, when Piers asked him about his performance, he almost started to cry (he is practically begging me to be his friend). Pretty much, all of the judges love Daniel, and how could you not?
Overall Grade: A- Yes, that's right. I'm feeling a bit generous tonight.

The Rhinestone Ropers

This horse didn't do shit. But it did take a shit.

God these guys are pretty dorky. That's just the way I see it. But they do have a horse which could be cool.
Wow, the horse picked up a hat. Their first act was crazy exciting, and this is boring so far. Maybe if they spun the horse on the wheel and shot at it, this would be more exciting. Otherwise, this is like a ridiculous scene from an old Western movie. God that was lame!
The judges seemed to find this as boring as I did. Howie just made a sexual, bestiality-related innuendo ("Then you mounted it from behind"). Piers X'd them (rightfully so) and called it a train wreck.
Overall Grade: F

Dylan Andre

This guy's mom was a singer, so now she's probably living vicariously through him. When I have children, I plan on doing the same thing (but with child pageants).
I'm bored at the beginning of this song. Dylan's voice is way too quiet, and not very exciting at all. Holy crap!!! He's singing "Daughters" by John Mayer. I hate this song (my family and I have this excellent habit of mocking John Mayer songs, which isn't hard to do when most of them repeat the same words over and over again). Back to the performance, boring. Dylan has a flat voice, and I was done watching him right as he ended, so perfect timing.
The judges didn't seem too enthralled about Dylan's performance. The audience booed them (shut up, lame-o's).
Overall Grade: D This was especially low since he was wearing a denim shirt with jeans. Whoever chose that outfit should have serious consequences.

Landon Swank

Call this number to vote for me, and possibly have sex with my fiance.

So this Alaskan guy is a magician. I wonder if he knows Sarah Palin (I sure hope he knows that annoying woman).
His fiance is dressed like a slut, which he probably hopes will get him more votes. Way to whore out your fiance. Nick Cannon is signing the mirror for Landon Swanky. Holy crapole!! Swanky just burst through the mirror! My mind has officially been blown. I'm beyond impressed.
Piers doubted Swanky and had him turn around the mirror, but it was still the same as it was before. Sharon was confused (what is there to be confused about?).
Overall Grade: B+

Smage Bros. Riding Show

That friend will eventually die during one of their shows.

These guys grew up on a farm, and I'm slightly jealous. I think I'm going to get a farm one day and raise kids on it (it seems like a good plan to me).
Tonight they've brought back their friend/prop that they always seems to want to kill. And they all risked their lives in order to entertain us non-risk takers. Holy crap I almost just peed my pants! They kept jumping over their friend (who is always in the face of death) and then took off his hat with the wheel (without smashing his skull, thank goodness).
The judges love these guys. Also, the friend/prop guy said, "I'm brother without a mother...of these guys." What?! Oh well. I'm just glad he's willing to risk my life in order to make me freak out.
Overall Grade: A

Thomas John

This guy was going to be a literary professor, but decided to be a juggler instead. Interesting career switch, dude. I want to remind everyone that he started juggling to impress ladies, which he thought didn't work. Um, excuse me, sir, but I enjoy comedic jugglers.
I want to rephrase my previous statement: I no longer enjoy comedic jugglers. Well, I wasn't very impressed. I don't know, it wasn't as good as I had hoped. The chest hair made it more interesting (is that weird?).
The judges didn't seem to like him very much.
Overall Grade: D-

Stephen Retchless

I think I have heels like those. If not, I want some.

This is my second favorite gay guy on the show. I just adore the fact that he is a pole dancer, and he even does it in heels. I can barely even walk in heels, but he makes dancing on a pole in heels seem effortless.
Like Daniel Joseph Baker, he chose a Gaga song for his performance. Holy shiy this was an amazing and beautiful performance. Stephen is so graceful yet so strong, and that impresses me so much. Seriously, Stephen is so talented and makes pole dancing so beautiful. Loved it! I also want to be best friends with him.
Piers X'd him?! Does he have a problem with the shorts he's wearing, or the feather eyelashes? (Because I think that adds to the brilliance of his performance.) Sharon adores him, and Howie compared his act to Lady Gaga mixed with a firefighter. Well, alrighty.
Overall Grade: A What can I say? I love my gay guys!

Mona Lisa

This act is made up of twins. I'm assuming one is named Mona and the other is Lisa. Otherwise, their name is stupid (at least in my eyes it is).
All the lit up paper lanterns made me think of the movie Tangled. Then I was disappointed when I realized they weren't singing a song from the movie. So, this song was boring, their voices were boring, and the performance was boring. They do not receive my good graces (and we all now how special that is).
The judges gushed over them. Unfortunately, I doubt they'll make it through to next week.
Overall Grade: C-

Silhouettes

There is a 3-year-old little girl named Emerson in this group. Doesn't that mean that this violates the child labor laws? Guess what, I just decided I liked this group significally more because they're from Denver (represent!).
Holy crapole this act was awesome! I've always found silhouette acts like this to be absolutely stunning. Guess what, you guys? You made me feel proud to be an American (and a Coloradan), but there was one image missing: Stephen Colbert. This performance was awesome.
The judges all loved it! They even made Sharon and Piers, the resident Brits, feel very patriotic (toward America, of course). Now that's talent.
Overall Grade: A

If I got to choose the 4 to make it through tomorrow:
Daniel Joseph Baker
Smage Bros. Riding Show
Stephen Retchless
Silhouette

But I think Stephen might not make it (which makes me sad), so it might be Swanky instead (who is still awesome).
That's all, folks!

Words of Wisdom: More Stephen Colbert

I have come to the realization that one can never have enough of Stephen Colbert. So here is another nugget of sarcastic genius. (This might become an almost daily occurance.)

"When someone becomes an American citizen can you see it happen? Because seconds before they were a citizen they were completely untrustworthy, freeloaders, here to take the jobs that Americans don't wanna do. That second they become an American they are the greatest, bravest people on Earth."

Wow, those words truly inspire me... I can't even describe how awesome Colbert is.

No, sir, I salute you.

Words of Wisdom From My Hero, Stephen Colbert

This needed to be posted, because Stephen Colbert just said the funniest piece of wisdom I've ever heard to come from the mouth of this patriotic genius.

As I'm share you know, New York just legalized gay marriage (best thing to ever happen in New York, and soon the whole country). Stephen Colbert made a hilarious comment about it. (By the way, for those who aren't aware of Mr. Colbert, he's VERY sarcastic.)

Words of Wisdom:
"I am not happy, or 'gay,' that this law passed, I'm very sad, or 'heterosexual.'"

Is this man not just absolutely hilarious? He drips with sarcasm (thanks, Mom), and he makes such a valid point about our ridiculous ideas about gay people.

How weird, I have the exact same tattoo...

Quotes: From My Hero, Stephen Colbert

Dear Readers, I can only assume if you are fan of this blog (or just happened to stumble upon it), you are also a fan of Stephen Colbert. Going on this assumption, here are some quotes from the most patriotic man I've ever made my hero. Onward.

"So for Lent, I'm giving up Catholicism. But which non-Catholic religion to pick? They're all equally wrong..."
"All for you, not-Jesus."
"Who knows, maybe I'll be a Scientologist. I've always wanted to be in an action film."
"I believe that this nation is the most American country the United States has ever seen." (I have used this quote in two essays. One of those may or may not have been on my AP English exam.)
(Talking about a global warming conference) "Well you balance it, experts and ministers."
"Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority."
"There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell."
"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family."
"Happy Birthday, Charles Darwin...in hell."
"If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh that's right, you don't have a Pope. Because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one."
"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are."
"Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment."
"Once again, scientists are telling us what 'may' have happened. If they had any balls, they'd just say this is what 'did' happen, with or without evidence. That's what the Bible does."
"I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
"Success is being consistent...ly against what Obama says."
"When it comes to fighting AIDS, George Bush: great president or greatest president?"
"If February had any balls, it would be 3 days longer."
"Hey America, nice ass!"
"We're called America the Beautiful, not America, 'Well, At Least She Has a Nice Personality.'"
"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."
"If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke."
"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."
"I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl."
"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."
"What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?"
"I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory."
"I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake."
"I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of."
"The truthiness will set you free!"
"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts."
"Hey, what if we pulled out of our own civil war? We'd still have slaves! Why do you hate black people? Air tight logic!"
"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"
"A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel? Make up your mind, we're at war."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic."
"Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
"I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history."
"Isn’t a centrist someone who doesn’t have the balls to be a fanatic?"
"Congressmen are gonna need a hell of a name. Something bold. Something sexy. Something with a little more zazz than F.E.M.A. Here's what I propose: the Storm, Accident and Viral Emergency Unconditional Relief-Support and Emendation of Loss Federation (S.A.V.E. U.R.S.E.L.F.)"

I hope you have been enlightened by the genius of Stephen Colbert. Enjoy these quotes, they just may change your life.

The Voice: The Singers Duke it Out, Vocally - Part 1

It's time again for that show I'm not a huge fan of. The Voice. Why is their symbol a peace sign? Lame. (Just so it's clear, I actually get it.)

So it's the battle round, and Christina Aguliera makes it sound like if they don't win, they'll die! Intense. I'd also like to add that I'm pretty sure Christina got a boob job for this show. No one her size has boobs that big. Seriously.

I mean, come on...

First pairing is Frenchie Davis and Tarralyn something-or-other (oh, and there's tension, gotta love drama) and they're gonna sing "Single Ladies." When Christina was singing with them, she messed up the words and said she doesn't care about singing the words right. Duh! When she sang the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, she totally messed up the words. Lame.
Oh, and does anyone recognize Frenchie from American Idol (or some little thing called Broadway)? Apparently she was disqualified because she took topless pictures before the show. Here's Frenchie.

(She's a pretty big girl...)
So, Tarralyn Ramsey sounded terrible. Seriously. It's like she went to the Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk School of Singing. Frenchie did okay.
After much struggle and cluelessness from Christina and Australian lady, the Winner: Frenchie.
Haha! This is great. Tarralyn and her terrible wig are out. Of course Frenchie would make it, it's because American Idol spots talent first.

From Blake Shelton's team:
Patrick Thomas vs. Tyler Robinson. "Burning Love" by Elvis, and Tyler thinks Patrick is cute. He also wants to make people love him, and guess what? I already do (if someone is gay, I will immediately love them; and if they struggled with being gay and Mormon, double plus). Let's take a look at my dear little Tyler.

Seriously, look at him. If he goes home, I'll be very upset. I mean, Tyler is wearing big, nerdy glasses with a suit and bowtie. I'm rooting for my gay Mormon! I'm trying to find a Paul McDonald-like contestant (as in compared to my fandom, but maybe to a lesser degree) on The Voice, but it may not ever happen again.
Patrick sounds like he's trying way too hard to sound country and distinctive - be yourself (and his vest is horrid)! Tyler is so soulful. Guess what they made him? "I'm flaming." Shame on you, The Voice. I really like Tyler, and his attempts to show up Patrick (which he did, in my opinion).
Alright, intense deliberation time between Blake and Reba. They better choose Tyler, my darling gay Mormon! Cee Lo agrees with me, rock on, and so does Adam Levine.
Winner: Patrick.
What the hell Blake?! Why didn't you choose Tyler? Bad choice, my friend. Because you have lost a fan (one which you never even really had in the first place), hopefully this makes you understand your decision was wrong. Sheesh.

Sorry, America, I've had enough heartbreak for one night (actually, it's just time for Stephen Colbert). I'll recooperate from this sudden lost, and post the rest tomorrow night.

American Idol, Stephen Colbert, and so much more

Dear Reader (if you're out there),
Sorry I didn't blog last week, it was just too hard. But I'm back for a quick post. I'll talk about whatever I feel like talking about.

Paul McDonald
First of all, Nikki Reed? For reals? I'm not sure if this rumor is true or false (I'm going to assume it's false for my own benefit), but I'm a little hurt by Paul if it's true. Whether he knows it or not, he is my Future Fiancé and is bound to me for life. But maybe it's just for PR and he really doesn't like Nikki, which I'm fine with.
Secondly, I sent Paul that fanmail I discussed two weeks ago! He called it, and I quote, "One of the best fanmails ever." Check it out (although, knowing who reads this, you've already seen this or were with me when I saw it):
http://plixi.com/p/90360560
Yipee!
Third, I want to hear P McD sing "Brown-Eyed Girl." Can you imagine? The hearts of American girls - and boys! - would melt. That would be awesome.

Stephen Colbert
First of all, HE'S AWESOME! Seriously. If I could, I would spend a whole day with Stephen, he is that awesome.
Second! I quoted him twice today in an essay for English. I patriotically declared that the penny should not be abolished because of American pride! Stephen would be proud. I quoted him with these profound quotes: "George Bush - great president, or greatest president?" (Just so it's clear, I had no reason to put that part in my paper, I was just so on the patriotic ball that Colbert's words were practically flowing out of me. Plus, I got a kick out of writing that.) Then I used this in the conclusion, which I think should earn me an A, "I firmly believe that this nation is the most American country the United States has ever seen." BOOM! Mind blown? I think yes. Colbert is possibly the most patriotic man alive, and I hope to be half the awesome he is today. When this essay is returned to me, I may or may not send it to Colbert. I want his praise.
Thirdly... On his show yesterday, he showed a clip of Republican Jon Kyl saying that Planned Parenthood shouldn't receive government funding because 90% of what the services they provide is abortion! Wrong. As Colbert so greatly pointed out, abortion is 3% of what they actually do. Then Kyl's people released a statement saying "It was not intended to be a factual statement." ....What?!?! Then why did he say it? I hate how Republicans can blatantly lie to the American people, then apologize or retract their statement later, and it's all okay. That is truly idiotic.
Anywhoo, Colbert has posting statements about Kyl on his Twitter all day, then says "NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement." These are hilarious! A few of my favorites:
-"Jon Kyl is an accomplished nude hula dancer. He is not welcome in Hawaii. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement"
-"Jon Kyl sponsored S.410, which would ban happiness. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement"
-"Citing religious reasons, Jon Kyl refuses to utter the number 8. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement"
-"Jon Kyl assassinated Archduke Ferdinand. #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement"

Haha! Colbert is awesome. I especially love the last one. My time in AP European History has helped me appreciate history jokes. I'll thank my teacher tomorrow.

Other Random Babblings
My cat squeaks. It annoys the crap out of me.
Watch "An Idiot Abroad." It is one of the funniest shows on television.
Today my friend and I decided that the worst part about summer is mosquitoes. Otherwise, summer is the bomb shizzle.
I hate Vote For The Worst. Do they really think P McD is the worst? Pfft.

Deep Thought of the Week
Why is socialism considered "bad" in America? Is capitalism really that great?

That's it for now. I think I'm going to try doing a "Deep Thought of the Week" every week. It may or may not really be a deep question. And I may or may not address my question later in the week.

Alrighty, toodle-oo!
Tune in tomorrow for my American Idol opinions!