America's Got Talent: Second Batch of 12 Perform

Hello America (and maybe other countries, I don't know)! It's time to examine the talent of our country. Although I'm not completely sure that this is a good sampling of the talent in our country. Let's get crackin'.

Side Note: I thought the show was on at 7 (my time), but it's not. So now I'm watching that lame show It's Worth What. This looks stupid, but obviously I watch stupid shows.

Good news guys! Two of my favorite gay performers are on tonight! That is the only reason I'll (try to) pay attention tonight.

Attack Dance Crew

According to Nick Cannon, these guys are passionate about the ladies. Good to know.
These guys walked out wearing track suits with neon green, it's pretty obnoxious. I think dance crews are pretty cool, but these guys aren't meeting my cool standards. The best part of the performance was when one dude was thrown over three guys. Otherwise, yawnfest (I guess I'm with Howie, I don't get it).
I agree with Sharon, "The choreography wasn't spectacular." I really want her and Piers to start use British slang, because I want to learn more British things.
Overall Grade: D

Justin Bieber's Sister: Dani Shay

Still not Justin Bieber.

Attention everyone: she is one of my favorite performers on this show. She's so super talented and just damn awesome.
Tonight Biebster's Sister is singing "Babylon." This stage setup is really stupid. Why the couch on stage? This song started out pretty weak. My mother kept mentioning that they're making her too poppy (as in pop-music like), and that's NOT good. I love Dani and I usually think her voice is great, she reminds of Brandi Carlisle, but tonight was her weakest performance. She sounded very nervous and shaky, and she can do so much better than that! I hope people vote for her despite this.
Sharon and Howie seemed to like it, but Piers mentioned that some was off key, and I agree.
Overall Grade: C-

Geechy Guy

I love comedians. I've always wanted to be a comedienne, but I worry that my humor may destroy the whole industry because all of the other comedians will leave because of me.
Geechy Guy walked onto the stage with two women dressed as whoopie cushions, which wad weird. So, this guy isn't very funny. Plus, he stole a joke from The Office. "Disposable cameras are great because you take pictures and then throw it away." You thief! Kelly from The Office did this with a disposable camera (it was really only funny then).
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan majorly insulted Geechy. I get it though, he wasn't funny at all.
Overall Grade: F
PS: His fingers are creepy. Just so you know.

Daniel Joseph Baker

Rachel, will you be my friend?

I love him! He's gay and wears bowties, so obviously I love him a lot. I want to be Daniel's best friend (I will post this in every recap until he responds to my request).
Holy crap. He has a zebra pattern piano. Oh my goodness, Daniel has such an amazing voice. And he's singing "Edge of the Glory" by Gaga! He does this song justice times a million dollars (in his words), and he sounds amazing and so fierce. Daniel truly has a unique voice and he definitely has a great stage presence. I love him so much!
Aww, when Piers asked him about his performance, he almost started to cry (he is practically begging me to be his friend). Pretty much, all of the judges love Daniel, and how could you not?
Overall Grade: A- Yes, that's right. I'm feeling a bit generous tonight.

The Rhinestone Ropers

This horse didn't do shit. But it did take a shit.

God these guys are pretty dorky. That's just the way I see it. But they do have a horse which could be cool.
Wow, the horse picked up a hat. Their first act was crazy exciting, and this is boring so far. Maybe if they spun the horse on the wheel and shot at it, this would be more exciting. Otherwise, this is like a ridiculous scene from an old Western movie. God that was lame!
The judges seemed to find this as boring as I did. Howie just made a sexual, bestiality-related innuendo ("Then you mounted it from behind"). Piers X'd them (rightfully so) and called it a train wreck.
Overall Grade: F

Dylan Andre

This guy's mom was a singer, so now she's probably living vicariously through him. When I have children, I plan on doing the same thing (but with child pageants).
I'm bored at the beginning of this song. Dylan's voice is way too quiet, and not very exciting at all. Holy crap!!! He's singing "Daughters" by John Mayer. I hate this song (my family and I have this excellent habit of mocking John Mayer songs, which isn't hard to do when most of them repeat the same words over and over again). Back to the performance, boring. Dylan has a flat voice, and I was done watching him right as he ended, so perfect timing.
The judges didn't seem too enthralled about Dylan's performance. The audience booed them (shut up, lame-o's).
Overall Grade: D This was especially low since he was wearing a denim shirt with jeans. Whoever chose that outfit should have serious consequences.

Landon Swank

Call this number to vote for me, and possibly have sex with my fiance.

So this Alaskan guy is a magician. I wonder if he knows Sarah Palin (I sure hope he knows that annoying woman).
His fiance is dressed like a slut, which he probably hopes will get him more votes. Way to whore out your fiance. Nick Cannon is signing the mirror for Landon Swanky. Holy crapole!! Swanky just burst through the mirror! My mind has officially been blown. I'm beyond impressed.
Piers doubted Swanky and had him turn around the mirror, but it was still the same as it was before. Sharon was confused (what is there to be confused about?).
Overall Grade: B+

Smage Bros. Riding Show

That friend will eventually die during one of their shows.

These guys grew up on a farm, and I'm slightly jealous. I think I'm going to get a farm one day and raise kids on it (it seems like a good plan to me).
Tonight they've brought back their friend/prop that they always seems to want to kill. And they all risked their lives in order to entertain us non-risk takers. Holy crap I almost just peed my pants! They kept jumping over their friend (who is always in the face of death) and then took off his hat with the wheel (without smashing his skull, thank goodness).
The judges love these guys. Also, the friend/prop guy said, "I'm brother without a mother...of these guys." What?! Oh well. I'm just glad he's willing to risk my life in order to make me freak out.
Overall Grade: A

Thomas John

This guy was going to be a literary professor, but decided to be a juggler instead. Interesting career switch, dude. I want to remind everyone that he started juggling to impress ladies, which he thought didn't work. Um, excuse me, sir, but I enjoy comedic jugglers.
I want to rephrase my previous statement: I no longer enjoy comedic jugglers. Well, I wasn't very impressed. I don't know, it wasn't as good as I had hoped. The chest hair made it more interesting (is that weird?).
The judges didn't seem to like him very much.
Overall Grade: D-

Stephen Retchless

I think I have heels like those. If not, I want some.

This is my second favorite gay guy on the show. I just adore the fact that he is a pole dancer, and he even does it in heels. I can barely even walk in heels, but he makes dancing on a pole in heels seem effortless.
Like Daniel Joseph Baker, he chose a Gaga song for his performance. Holy shiy this was an amazing and beautiful performance. Stephen is so graceful yet so strong, and that impresses me so much. Seriously, Stephen is so talented and makes pole dancing so beautiful. Loved it! I also want to be best friends with him.
Piers X'd him?! Does he have a problem with the shorts he's wearing, or the feather eyelashes? (Because I think that adds to the brilliance of his performance.) Sharon adores him, and Howie compared his act to Lady Gaga mixed with a firefighter. Well, alrighty.
Overall Grade: A What can I say? I love my gay guys!

Mona Lisa

This act is made up of twins. I'm assuming one is named Mona and the other is Lisa. Otherwise, their name is stupid (at least in my eyes it is).
All the lit up paper lanterns made me think of the movie Tangled. Then I was disappointed when I realized they weren't singing a song from the movie. So, this song was boring, their voices were boring, and the performance was boring. They do not receive my good graces (and we all now how special that is).
The judges gushed over them. Unfortunately, I doubt they'll make it through to next week.
Overall Grade: C-

Silhouettes

There is a 3-year-old little girl named Emerson in this group. Doesn't that mean that this violates the child labor laws? Guess what, I just decided I liked this group significally more because they're from Denver (represent!).
Holy crapole this act was awesome! I've always found silhouette acts like this to be absolutely stunning. Guess what, you guys? You made me feel proud to be an American (and a Coloradan), but there was one image missing: Stephen Colbert. This performance was awesome.
The judges all loved it! They even made Sharon and Piers, the resident Brits, feel very patriotic (toward America, of course). Now that's talent.
Overall Grade: A

If I got to choose the 4 to make it through tomorrow:
Daniel Joseph Baker
Smage Bros. Riding Show
Stephen Retchless
Silhouette

But I think Stephen might not make it (which makes me sad), so it might be Swanky instead (who is still awesome).
That's all, folks!

America's Got Talent: Last Auditions and Some of the Top 48

Okay, so I apologize for missing America's Got Talent yesterday. My best friend Laura Mora dragged me away to attend to more important matters (like shining a laser pointer around the house).
Anywhoo, I'm back. I'll do a quick recap of the auditions, and maybe about the top 48.

First up,
The Calico Hearts No, wait, it's Avery and the Calico Hearts
Guess who the bossy one is...? So, these 8 year old girls are singing. They will be doing this forever, and will always be best friends. News flash girls: No you won't. I don't even talk to the girls I was friends with when I was 8 (they're not as cool as they were when they were 8). Sorry girls, but you need to know.
So Avery and the Calico Hearts sound perfect for Kidz Bop. Am I wrong? No. They're singing a song by The Biebster, they're a shoe-in for the pre-tween pop scene (is this a real thing?). They were decent for being 8, but it kind of resembled what I imagine my cat would sound like could she sing.
Verdict: Going to Vegas! That's the perfect place for 8 year olds to become famous.

More people that went to Vegas:
Some dude broke a bunch of wood with his forehead, and wound up splitting open his forehead. Stupid or talented? You decide. (Hint: It's not talented.)
Dezmond Meeks is a piano player/singer, and he has an inkling of talent.
Thomas John is a juggler, because he thought it would impress the ladies. Howie Mandell said it perfectly, "Nothing a lady likes more than a man who spends all day playing with his balls."
Four Play is an annoying girl group consisting of four bimbo-looking girls who play up their looks. (See how clever their name is? They're smart.)
J. Chris Newberg
This guy sings funny songs. I think he's pretty hilarious, because I love humorous singers. Speaking of singing comedians (whom I love, just to be clear), check out Stephen Lynch. He is comedy gold. And a lot funnier than J. Chris, just so you know.

King Diamond
I'm scared to see this guy perform, considering he does this at Hooters. Oh lord, I would have buzzed him as soon as the music started.
You know what I hate about this show? The audience. They shouldn't be there, because they boo people, which would suck (even if the performers deserved it).
Verdict: Triple X's

Chicago's Ultimate Tumblers
This group is amazing. They keep these kids away from gangs and drugs, and most of these kids are without one or both parents. Amazing.
Holy shit these guys are crazy! They're doing flips through the air and over a bunch of people. Whoa!!! They knocked one girls over! That would be my fear (I won't be joining this group).
Verdict: Going to Vegas!

My favorite act of the night: some guy who removed about 15 pairs of underwear. Now that's talent. Then he flashed everyone (can't he get arrested for that?).
Next up are a bunch of clips of people doing stupid things that they think make them talented. Well, they're wrong. Being stupid doesn't equal being talented (at least, not usually).

Meet Me At Fairfax and 3rd
This act consists of two really, really old guys who met during karaoke. My favorite part is one guy says, "I'm 67 and a half." (Usually people who are 1/10 his age say that.) Also, they formed a few weeks ago. I think it's time to split and then do a reunion tour.
So the younger of the two does gymnastics or something on a chair.
I'm surprised he's so flexible at 67 and a half, because usually that goes at age 67. That was truly bizarre.
Verdict: Going to Vegas! Who else is shocked?

Okay, I'm moving right along. It appears that I'll be writing about narrowing down to the Top 48, as well. You're welcome.
First, I have some thoughts about Nick Cannon: A) His pastel suits are ridiculous, and B) Why is he famous again? (I know he's married to Mariah Carey, but what else?)

Classic line said by some dude with tons of tattoos: "This is the dream I've always dreamed of." How profound.
I just want everyone to know something; If there is someone on here who is gay and has struggled I will root for them. Gay people are always my first favorites (I have a soft spot for people who have struggled or are a very discriminated against minority).

First, Piers Morgan tells ten acts to stand up (and they all have amusing names, like Squonk Opera and Captain Stab Toggo). And these people........are going straight through to Hollywood!
The Groups That Made It:
Silhouettes, Squonk Opera, Lys Agnes, Professor Splash, The Rhinestone Ropers, Fearless Flores Family (gotta love alliteration), Melissa Villasenor, Captain Stab Tuggo, Team iLluminate, and Miami All-Stars.

Okay, so here's how I'm gonna do it: I'll list those who make it, and I'll only comment on whoever I enjoyed.

People Who Made It to Hollywood (Side Note: I have on the captions so I can spell names right, and for the song playing in the background it said, "melancholy pop ballad." Classic.)
•J. Chris Newberg
•Geechy Guy - Comedian (I love comedians! I've always felt that I could go in that direction, but instead I'm sharing my comedy with my select few readers on this blog. You're welcome, readers. But he was funny.)
•Scott Alexander
•Charles Peachock - Fire Guy
•Yellow Designs Stunt Team
•Frank Miles - The Knife Guy (I thought he was going to die. Luckily he didn't.)
•Fiddle Heads - Band (Fiddle Heads?! There's a banjo, a mandolin, a bass, and a guitar. Um, check yes for me!! But, they should do original songs and they'll be ten times better.)
•Pop Life
•Those Funny Little People
•Tim Fort
•Echo the Bird (really?)
•Mona Lisa (twin sister singers)
•Fatally-Unique
•Dezmond Meeks
•Snap Boogie
•Steve - Pole Dancer (He's gay! I already love him. And he's excellent on the pole, for reals. But I do find it funny that pole dancing is on this family show, but I don't care.)
•Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. - Singer (He belongs in a musical movie from the 50s or 60s. He's okay.)
•Dancers in fur
•Dani Shay aka Justin Bieber's Twin Sister - Singer/Songwriter (Funny story: My mom told me, "There's this girl who looks like she could be Bieber's sister." I was confused at first, but not anymore. She wrote her own song! Unfortunately, she choked with that. Luckily, she did a cover of "Trouble" and ROCKED it! Dani has an awesome voice.)

Separated at birth? I think yes.

News: JLo, Bieber, and Ron Artest (For Now)

Let's begin with Jennifer Lopez
Apparently, her husband Marc Anthony wants her to quit judging American Idol next season to "spend more time with him and their children." Really, Marc? That's your argument? JLo is making bank being a judge (if that's what she still wants to be called, but I think they should change the name to "I-Don't-Want-to-Hurt-Your-Feelings-Too-Much Semi-Judge), and that helps out the kids, right?
I mean, she is a celebrity, so she might as well do what every other Hollywood mom does: Hire a nanny or three. Who needs a mom when you have a nanny?

Go swim in the ocean, kids. Your new nanny is now responsible.

The Biebster
This guy...crazy. There isn't much a story here, I just thought it was funny. But pretty much, J Biebs wore a shirt of Tiffany Thiessen (from "Saved by the Bell"), so she wore a shirt of him. Crazy!!

Ron Artest (For Now)
If there is one thing I don't understand about sports, it is the desire for the athletes to legally change their names, or to start being called something different. It's just stupid.
Some past examples: Chad Ochocinco (Chad Johnson - this one just takes the cake)
Magic Johnson (Earvin Johnson)
The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)
Tiger Woods (Eldrick Woods)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Frederick Ferdinand Lewis Alcindor, Jr. - changed after converting to Islam), Nene (Maybyner Rodney Hilario - don't blame him)

All of these examples are pretty ridiculous, no? Well, now Ron Artest wants to change his name to, wait for it... Metta World Peace.
Are you kidding me?! How egotistical must one be to have the desire to change one's name to include World Peace? Every time I hear his name announced during a game, I will probably die of laughter.

I think I'm the shit.

PS: Tonight I will do another, much anticipated, Mumford & Sons post. (Please join the Church of Mumford.)

Sean Kingston and Movies

Yeah, those are completely opposite topics, but I figured why not group them together.

Let's start with Sean Kingston... As you may or may not have heard (hopefully not, I love feeling like I'm breaking news), Kingston was in a jet ski crash with some girl and was severely injured. According to TMZ, he is out of the Trauma Unit and into Intensive Care Unit.

Luckily for Sean (and the rest of us), The Biebster was there to wish for a safe recovery. What would we do without this little pop star?

Word.

Onto movies... The top of the box office this weekend was The Hangover Part II. I think that movie looks terrible, and according to a reliable source (namely, my hair stylist), it was not very good. But I'm not shocked that it was top of the box office. Following it was Kung Fu Panda (which was supposedly better than said Hangover sequel).

The same crap happens again. And we're shocked.

This looks a movie we can skip. Agreed? Another one to skip is "Thor." I saw that last weekend and it wasn't great (I love superhero movies, but this one was a bore). Only go see if it you plan on seeing "The Avengers" next year. Which I plan on seeing.

That's all for now, folks!

News I Missed This Week

Since Blogger has been down for awhile, I may have missed posting some important information (really important, because you need to know).
Let's break it down.

Story #1: The Biebster's Tattoos
It appears that our little pop star is growing up and getting some tattoos. Here's a picture of one of them.

Jesus is on my side.

You're probably wondering what that lovely tattoo means. It is Hebrew for "Yeshua," otherwise known as "Jesus." Look, I'm all about personal expression and yadda yadda (I have nothing against tattoos, I think they can be pretty rad), but I think it is really stupid when people get tattoos of languages they don't speak. I'm pretty sure The Biebster isn't Jewish (because they don't believe that Jesus was the son of God, I used to be Jewish so I know), nor does he read or understand Hebrew. For all he knows, that could actually say "Devil."
Here is my reasoning as to why it's ridiculous for people to get tattoos in languages they don't speak or have any connection to: Let's imagine you (I'm pretending you're a white American) get a tattoo on your back that says "family" in Japanese. You probably got it because you like the symbols, they're cool looking. Now, imagine a Japanese man getting the word "family" tattooed on his back in English. Weird, right? That's my logic. Boom.

Story #2: Kim Kardashian is Engaged
She's engaged to some guy named Kris Humphries (I don't know who the eff this guy is, but he plays basketball or something). Here's a picture of her and her giant ring.

So, apparently this ring is super expensive. According to ABC news....

"Designed by Kardashian's friend, celebrity jeweler Lorraine Schwartz, the reality TV star's newest accessory includes a 16.5 carat emerald cut center stone flanked by a pair of 2-carat trapezoids. NBA baller Humphries reportedly dished out $2 million for the diamonds, to Kardashian's delight. "It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen," she told People. 'It's perfect.'"

Yes, you read that right, $2 million for an engagement ring (I want to see a normal person spend even close to that much on a wedding ring) that she will probably only wear for a few months. How much will the wedding ring cost, $4 million? But then again, she'll probably only wear that one for a few months too... Harsh, but true. Kim and Kris have only been together for 6 months, so using my marriage theorem.... They'll last about 3 months.

Story #3: Tony Romo is Marrying Candice Crawford
"Who is Candice Crawford?" You must be asking yourself. According to my sources (and by that, I mean TMZ), Candice Crawford is Chace Crawford's little sister. They are getting married in a few hours, according to my schedule, in Texas. Here is their massive tent in which they will be wed.

And here is a picture of the lovely couple.

She looks just like Carrie Underwood. Not a coincidence.

I'm kind of hoping that Tony wears his football uniform instead of a suit. That would make for one memorable wedding! Good luck to this couple, and may their marriage last as long as Tony's career (assuming his career lasts awhile, although I could actually care less about either).

Last, Story #4: Apparently, Scotty isn't Dating Lauren...
But she just might be dating him. According to the NY Daily News, Scotty said,

"Everybody keeps asking me about the smooch. She told me she was gonna do that before the show. She's a character, isn't she? We're really close friends. I don't know about the dating part. She's just being funny. She's such a sweetheart. We've grown so close. It's a special relationship we have."

It sure is special, Scotty. It sure is. Especially considering what Lauren Alaina said about the dating speculation.

"I kissed him on the lips, yeah. He might be my boyfriend, he might not be my boyfriend. I'll never tell! Secret's safe with me!"

So this is clearly a one-way relationship (Lauren Alaina just really wants to make her sister/mom proud by dating a good, Christian, Southern boy). I broke the news on Wednesday night about their possible romance, and I'm happy to say that I just might be right (in fact, I probably am right). Just look at this young, Idol couple.

This is our "special relationship."

 What? You need more proof? Here ya go. Here are some picture they took backstage.

Done and done.


Enjoy the news!