The Bachelorette: And the Winner Is...

Okay everybody, let's see who wins! Although I don't think ending up with Ashley necessarily qualifies as "winning".

First Ashley is meeting with her family, including her incredibly tattooed sister (no hate, they're just ridiculous tattoos). I'm sure her family is so happy to have been flown out to Fiji. Free vacation!

JP

He starts out by saying, "I'm just going to be myself," and my mom said, "Really, you're not going to be somebody else?" After about 5 minutes, Ashley's mom invited him into the family. But then Chrystie asked if JP made her laugh, and it seemed it was a no. Also, Chrystie hates JP because he's boring, and that made Ashley cry. (She's obviously upset because her tattooed sister is right.) Then Ashley talked to her sweaty, hot brother Eliot. That poor guy looked like he was about to have a damn heatstroke.
Now Chrystie and JP are going to sit down to talk. She totally accused JP of being boring (which I said from the moment he stepped put of the limo) and old. Chrystie told JP that he's way too old for Ashley and he can't handle her. He is 34 and Ashley is 27, is that really a big deal? Chrystie's tattoos have affected her brain. She's just going to have to deal with it, because Reality Steve has told me JP's going to win.
Then JP went and complained to Ashley, who told him she's easily influenced by other people. That's awesome, she doesn't think for herself. Obviously the producers set up all this drama so it's SHOCKING when JP wins.

Before Ben comes to meet the family, Ashley decided to talk to her sister. Chrystie keeps calling herself rational (although I'm not sure how rational a girl can be when she has that many ridiculous tattoos), and pretty much calling Ashley dumb. Guess what? Chrystie is right, Ashley is dumb. She keeps wanting to hear what she wants to hear, but freaks the eff out whenever Chrystie is honest, which she asked for. This drama is getting ridiculous.

Ben

Let's face it, I'm pretty cool. And Ashley is annoying.

Look, this guy is my favorite, but obviously not Ashley's favorite, for some strange voice. When Ashley accepts JP's proposal, I'll marry Ben (if he doesn't mind a rather big age gap). They did my favorite thing about Ben, where he talks in his "dog voice", it's so hilarious. Seriously, Ben is awesome, she should choose him. I'm now on a search for a guy like Ben, so hopefully this will turn out well.
Chrystie has decided that as Ashley's older sister, it's her responsibility to be a bitch (I don't think this, but Ashley does). It seems that Ben has gotten the Chrystie Stamp of Approval. It seems like Chrystie likes Ben, at least judging by the cheesy music in the background.
It seemed that everything with Ben went well, right? That's what will make the ending even more shocking! Good editing, producers.

I don't feel like reviewing the final dates, but Ashley went on a final date with Ben and JP. (I'm still willing to date Ben, especially after he used the word swimmingly. That's only if me and Winston don't work out.)

After the dates, they show Ben and JP showering or shirtless (absolutely necessary). First up, Ben goes to pick a ring by Neil Lane, and he was pretty cool, as usual. Then JP goes to pick a ring, and he was boring, as usual. I think that the losers should get to keep the ring for future engagements, especially since it will be super expensive.

The Men Propose
Both Ben and JP are arriving on a seaplane, just like how normal engagements happen.
The first man to arrive is Ben.

Poor guy is about to get rejected so badly. He looks rather dashing in his suit, I don't know how Ashley could reject him. Ben totally put his heart out on the table, right before Ashley breaks it. She even let him get down on knee?! And say she would make him the happiest man on earth?! What a bitch... Poor Ben did not see that coming, I actually feel bad for him (even if I do think this show is crap). Ashley chased after Ben as he walked away. He said, "I don't need you to sugarcoat this." Poor guy, I feel bad for Ben. And then they make him take a crappy boat back, rather than the seaplane. He said that JP is a safe choice, and I concur.

Then comes JP, and we already know how this one is going to end, with a ring on Ashley's finger.

Is this really a "win" for me?

What a dumb choice, he is so boring. Chrystie was right, and Ashley should have listened. Look, I don't need to watch all of this sappy crap. I know it's going to be so cheesy and ridiculous. So my mom made me watch this (thanks a lot), and JP made himself out to be such a romantic. I hate this. I think it's ridiculous how all of these proposals are so heartfelt and "let's be together forever," but that just doesn't happen on this show.
To clarify, The Winner: JP

I'm just going to combine the finale with After the Final Rose.

First they brought out Ben, who everyone loves (of course). Chris decided to show Ben the clip of when Ashley denied his proposal. What a pleasant reminder of a great day. As Chris said, that was one of the most genuine responses ever. Probably because it was one of the few scripted/guided moments of the show. Ben mentioned that he left Fiji, and went to his best friend's wedding. That must have been fun for him.
Now they're pulling Ashley onstage to hopefully make Ben feel somewhat better about what happened. When she came out, Ben said, "Nice ring." Classic. Then Ashley told him that he was her first choice, but then she changed her mind. Ben also said that he wanted to leave with some dignity (after Ashley let him get down on one knee, and then rejected him). Then he said that he's ready to find love. Is that a hint about him being the next Bachelor? I hope not...

Now they're bringing JP out with Ashley, so that we can see the happy couple. How adorable, right? Ashley said that he makes her feel complete, then they kissed a bunch of times.
Chris brought Chrystie onto the stage to explain why she hated JP (because he's boring). I didn't think it needed much explaining. But she apologized, after the show made a whole big deal of the drama.

Ashley announced that she is moving to NYC with JP. They haven't booked a wedding yet (meaning it won't happen), and Chris warned them that they'll probably fail like everyone else. They're also being sent back to Fiji. Hooray.

That's it. It's finally over! I will not be watching Bachelor Pad, because that show is even worse. Next season, I'll be back for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.