Wednesday, September 7, 2011

America's Got Talent: Announcing the Final Four

So, not much is going down on the recap tonight. I mean, I know they're announcing the four final acts, but let's be honest...we're all ready for this show to end.
Anyway, let's review my predictions.
Silhouettes
Smage Bros. Riding Show
iLuminate
PopLyfe

I hope I'm right (if only to keep up with my self-proclaimed prediction accomplishments)!

First Act to Move On: Team iLuminate
So, it appears that I'm now one for one, which makes me so mad, since one of my guesses was sent home! I was really starting to enjou Mr. Troy Smalls, and now he's just gone. Also, my streak has been ruined at the beginning.
But, hey, congrats to the neon lit group.

Second Act to Move On: PopLyfe
I knew it, unfortunately. I'm not a fan of wannabe teen pop bands (especially those who walk off stage before they're dismissed). Swanky was sent packing after possibly killing a fish last night. So now I'm two for two, and waiting to see the act I missed.

Before the next results, Il Divo performs and I hate opera so much. And when opera is in the form of a quartet, it's even worse.

Third Act Moving On: Silhouettes
Three for three, America! And I'm super pumped that an act from Colorado moved on. They are carrying the weight of the whole state on their shoulders for the finals. Good luck, golden clad warriors (can they be called that?).

Final Act to Move On (I hope it's Landau!!): Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Yay! Since I almost chose him yesterday instead of Smage Bros. (lesson learned: always listen to my mum), I'm going to count my prediction correctness as 3.5 for 4. I'm glad he made it, this man deserves it.

So there you go, folks. Tune in next week for the final four performances. Until then (if not sooner)!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

America's Got Talent: The Terrific (?) Ten

Hello, America and other countries, I'm back. I hope you didn't miss me too much in my absence (that's a lie, I hope you missed me so much it was devastating), but I've returned just for you, despite my busy schedule.

Let's get started with a new episode of America's Got Talent. It's the Final Ten, and I never thought they'd actually get this far.
Unfortunately, my dear, darling Daniel Joseph Baker went home a few weeks ago, and it made me very sad. I almost didn't come back.

First Michael Grimm is performing. I don't really care for this guy, he's nothing special in my eyes (or ears, whatever).

Miami All Stars
Yes, there was a chicken...
They made it? I'm not a huge fan of dance crews, unless they are absolutely amazing and unique. They really aren't all that amazing or unique.
I think the whole football and cheerleader theme is a little bit weird, and it makes me think of High School Musical or Glee or something. I don't know. I think all the lifts and tricks are cool, but otherwise I'm not overly impressed. Not to mention there is way too much going on on the stage (my attention span can only handle so much). I didn't care for them, sorry!
Piers X'd them because he didn't care for the cheer leading thing, and I'm with him. Me and Piers have very similar opinions, because we're both awesome. Sharon and Howie still kind of enjoyed it, but disliked the theme.
Overall Grade: C-

Lys Agn├Ęs
My mom and I are both bothered by this girl, and I'm not completely sure why. The only reason I have an inkling of support for her is because she's from Colorado (represent).
Why does she have chopsticks on her eyelids? And why does she sound like a man? Why is she standing in a giant dream catcher? These questions and more will most likely never be answered. This song is frightening me and my poor cat, who just dashed out of the room. I understand that people really seem to like her, but I don't. I just don't get it!!!
Sharon said she sounded like crap when singing in the low register (how very true). Howie didn't care for her risk. This is the one time I ever disagree with Piers...he likes her.
Overall Grade: F

Landon Swank
It's Swanky! I like this guy because of my awesome nickname for him. I hope his hot fiance is assisting him tonight, or else he won't get voted through, guaranteed.
Nick says I shouldn't try this at home (don't tell me what to do!)... So first he changed a goldfish cracker into a goldfish by eating it. Then he stuck his hand into an aquarium, but the fish disappeared, and water spilled out. All of that was cool, but then he finished by laying on a couch?! But what happened to the fish??
All of the judges loved it. Piers wondered how he did it, and I was confused too. But it was still rad.
Overall Grade: B

Anna Graceman
I always want to be impressed by this girl, but every time that I've seen her, I haven't been blown away. Like Swanky, she's from Alaska.
Let me start by saying she's wearing a horrid dress. And why is she standing in a patch of grass indoors? So she has decided to not play the piano tonight, which I don't think was a good choice (it adds to her talent level). Anna's voice sounds pretty good, but she doesn't keep my interest. The only times I actually want to listen are during the choruses, otherwise it's a little boring because she misses notes. Anna is good, but not great. I'm torn. I think it was just a bad song choice.
Piers and I have similar opinions, like that she did miss some notes. Sharon was still lovey dovey toward her. Howie likes her and all, but not this song.
Overall Grade: B-

Silhouettes
There is a nearly blind girl on this team, and other sick kids. My mom pointed out that they're going for the sympathy vote, which is unnecessary; just the fact that they're from Colorado (represent) and have a cool act should be reason enough to vote.
I always find their act hard to recap, but pretty much they showed different aspects of life. It was pretty radical, and they always impress me.
Sharon loved this so much, she was shouting over the audience. Howie said they will make it to the final 4. Piers thought the story they told was pretty awesome. He said it makes people proud to be American, but he's British...
Overall Grade: A- Gotta love this act.

Smage Bros. Riding Show
Relax, you won't completely lose your body parts.
I love these guys! And, let's face it, Troy Smalls "The Unsung Hero" is pretty hot and a daredevil. He puts his life on the line to get his friends famous! That's true friendship.
So these guys are practically skateboarding on their motorbikes, all the while coming close to injuring poor Troy (in fact, once it looked like he got hit in the head). One of the brothers grinded on a rail! The scariest part of the performance was when Troy lay spread eagle on the floor. My first thought, "He's gonna lose his balls!!" When, in fact, one of them got his leg.
Howie loved them. Piers thought they were exciting, but not as good as last round (which I missed, so I can't atest to that). Sharon disagreed with Piers; she loved it.
Overall Grade: A  Love these guys!

PopLyfe
I hate them. They are just another teen pop band, and I hate that kind of music. I am no longer in elementary school, when Backstreet Boys and NSync were awesome. I don't want to watch them, I want it to end!
They're singing Michael Jackson?! Are they nuts or something? My mom said she has a good voice, but I told her she's not allowed to like them (the only music acts I liked on this show were Daniel Joseph Baker and The Fiddleheads). This is so cheesy and way too fast, I can hardly stand to listen to this. My mum says the girl looks like Prince! I don't like this at all...nope, no way.
Piers stood for them?! What is going on between us tonight? They all seemed to love it, and I don't understand why. I didn't enjoy it one bit. But then again, I'm kind of a music snob (hate to admit it) and I hate 98% of pop music.
Overall Grade: C- I think my issue is that they spelled life wrong...

West Springfield Dance Team
Ugh, another dance team... I don't have the patience for this tonight!! Seriously, why must I watch a gothic dance routine?
Mum has always said if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...seeing as I don't follow that advice anyway, here we go. This was dumb. It started out ridiculous and creepy, then they started dancing to dubstep (which is terrible music). The whole story was confusing and fed into the zombie craze, which I hate. The dancing wasn't spectacular, and I was bored. And annoyed, mostly with the horrid music.
Sharon feels they're very predictable. Howie didn't care for it very much. Piers X'd them (as I would have), and said they should have done something different and the choreography was boring.
Overall Grade: F

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Does this guy not have the coolest name ever?! It sounds like the name of an old British Lord or something... Landau is pretty rad.
My mum and I are always shocked when that 50s musical voice comes out of his mouth. He belongs in "Singing in the Rain," or in Las Vegas (can't you see him being a new Barry Manilow?). Not only is his voice great, but so is his story, which makes him that much more appealing. This was an excellent performance.
Landau received a standing ovation! All of the judges love him. Let's hope he makes it through.
Overall Grade: A

Team iLuminate
Um, excuse me, group, your team name is missing an L. It should be iLluminate, which makes me think of llamas (weird? Maybe). The cancer girl has an eye of Horus tattoo! How rad.
I think this act is bizarre, and I don't really get the appeal. Then again, I am a strong opponent of major uses of technology (I miss the days when there was just one kind of iPod...). This performance is strange, but they'll probably make it to the finals. I don't have much else to say, but it's mostly because I'm so over this show.
This group received a standing ovation, and Piers loved it (what's up with our disagreements?). Sharon and Howie also loved it.
Overall Grade: C

It's over! Here's my predictions for the finals:
Silhouettes
Smage Bros. Riding Show
iLuminate
PopLyfe

If I'm wrong, then I'm going to come back and change my predictions so that it appears I was right all along.
On that note, toodles!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Hilary Duff is Pregnant?!

I know, I know, I'm just as shocked as you are. But I was just informed that my favorite actress as a child is now expecting a child herself. This is so weird to me, especially since I remember her like this...
Disney stars do grow up...
This is shocking, America. I thought that Disney stars never aged, I thought that they stayed the same age that I remembered them. Obviously this isn't true (much to my dismay). I'll always have my fond memories of Hilary, such as her as Lizzie, and seeing her perform live for my first concert. And now she's going to throw all of that away with a child. Worst decision ever. Anyway, congrats to the 23-year-old and her husband for their first baby on the way.
PS: Who remembers when she dated Joel Madden?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

America's Got Talent: YouTube Week Results

After a rather disappointing night (at least in my eyes), it's time to announce those who move onto the next round. Since I forgot to make predictions yesterday about who will move on, I'll do that now...

My Predictions:
Gymkana
Beth Ann Robinson
Matt Wilhelm
Kevin Colis (even though he bored me)

Let's get started!

The First Act to Move On: Gymkana
Sweet! I'm one for one so far, and that's a good thing. No more terrible Powerhouse, and I have another reason to keep watching this show (next to my future best friend, Daniel Joseph Baker).

Tonight they are having a bunch of internet sensations perform. I'm not sure whether or not I'm excited...
Tay Zonday is up first, singing this song called "Chocolate Rain" (which literally lasted 30 seconds). It's a really dumb song...

After Tay, is a lip-synching guy called Keenan Cahill. I don't understand why people like him. Is it because he's a litle person (is that the politically correct term?)? Then Nick Cannon came onstage and started rapping, which was a skill I didn't know he possessed.

After the commercial break, OK Go is performing a song called "All Is Not Lost." While I'm really not a huge fan of their music, they do the sickest music videos. That one was amazing, I couldn't keep my eyes off of the screen. I want to find that on YouTube for you guys!


Second Act to Move On: Matt Wilhelm
I am two for two, hopefully I keep this streak going. I'm telling you, America loves my motto: Entertain me or die trying. Matthew sure as hell did that last night.

Ugh...next up is Rebecca Black. Why do people keep trying to bring her back for 15 more seconds of fame? She cannot sing well! (I hope Piers buzzes her, that would be downright hilarious.)
She's doing a mash up of "Friday" and her new single "My Moment." Even without the autotune, Rebecca has a terrible voice. Even though her performance was only one minute, I was waiting for it to end. When will she just go away?

Third Act to Move On: Kevin Colis
Three for three, I am awesome. Even though I'm not a big fan of his voice (it's a bit too average).
Oh Em Gee, Howie!! He just told Kevin that he has tough competition, like Daniel JACOB Baker. Excuse me? Nobody gets my Future Best Friend's name wrong, even if it will be difficult for the average Kevin to compete with the fierce Daniel JOSEPH Baker. (I've mentioned him a lot tonight, I miss him.)

Up and Over is the next YouTube sensation to perform. Apparently they're hand and foot dancers, all while sitting, and it's pretty cool. Were these the two on that McDonald commercial?

Fourth Act to Move On (it's up to the judges now): Beth Ann Robinson
Four for four, suckers! I'm so awesome at guessing. Plus, that girl is mega talented, I wish I could dance well, but I still do it anyway.

Okay guys, here's the list of Wild Card Acts performing next week (must they draw this out so much?)
West Springfield Dance Team (Sharon just decided that, I'm sure)
Landon Swank "Swanky"
Kinetic King
Summerwind Skippers
Charles Peachock
Yellow Designs Stunt Team
Shevonne
J Chris Newberg
Those Funny Little People (why?!)
Seth Grabel
The Fiddleheads (yes! I love them because of the banjo)
Avery and the Calico Hearts

They're not bringing back Bieber's Twin Sister?! Weird...

Until next week!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

America's Got Talent: YouTube Edition

It's time for America's Got Talent: YouTube Edition! I'm not completely sure how this will work out, but oh well. (PS: Sorry about missing last week, I was doing something else patriotic - watching Captain America.)

TNC Elite
This group is a modern clogging dance team. I'm pretty doubtful about how cool this will be, mostly because I hate the sound of the shoes.
Oh cool, they were all spray tanned before the show too (totally necessary). They clogged to a slowed down version of "I Got a Feeling," and their clogs annoyed me. The music and the noise together just bothered me, and the music didn't really work with the dance (even if they try to be "modern"). I have major respect for these guys because they just never stop moving, but I wasn't excited. Mostly because they weren't risking their lives.
Piers thought they were pretty good, Sharon was confused (as was I), and Howie was bored like I was.
Overall Grade: C-

Brett Daniels
I really effed it up this time, didn't I America? (See that Mum reference?)
This guy used to be a very successful illusionist, but then he lost a bunch of money investing in a new magic idea. Now he's back, at the ripe age of 50, to prove himself yet again.
Brett is doing a tribute to Marilyn Monroe, which I hope works out well. But wait!!! When the red curtain fell down over the picture, I saw him flip a lever and swtich the image to nothing (I hated to see that, but I did). Then some chick appeared, and then she disappeared. Also, the dancing thing was weird and unnecessary.
The judges see potential, but obviously didn't see what I saw.
Overall Grade: D+ Look, I'm always thrilled when illusionists makes someone disappear, but since I saw Brett pull the lever, I docked his grade...

Gabe Rocks
Gabe is a skateboarding bulldog, and I just don't see what's going to be so awesome about him. He isn't even that cute (and I only like cute dogs).
Okay, I'll be honest, I thought it was pretty amusing that the dog went on a rocking horse and a skateboard. But it was nothing mind blowing, I'm sure that I could teach my dog Jackson to do that (in fact, I just might). So, I wasn't enthralled.
Piers X'd this dog and implied that he might quit this show. Sharon and Howie seemed to love Gabe, but I'm not completely sure why.
Overall Grade: C-

Aeon
They're parkour guys!! Guess who loves parkour? This girl right here. I especially love the parkour thing from The Office (I'm going to find you guys a clip).

First thought: Those dancing girls and weird and pointless. Anyway, I love parkour! This was such a rad act, and they jumped off of all sorts of different things. Then one of the guys got into a giant hoop. Not to mention, there are 5 shirtless guys...
Piers X'd these guys, he clearly doesn't understand parkour (I usually like Piers, but he's a grumpy gills tonight). Sharon thought they were repetitive, and Howie enjoyed Aeon.
Overall Grade: B-

Breena Bell
She's an 8-year-old dancing contortionist. From her video clip, I'm going to guess she got her start in Toddlers and Tiaras.
Breena is adorable, I just think that having such a young girl do contortionist things is weird (and creepy to watch). But there's no doubt that she's an excellent dancer. I'm so impressed that she did an aerial cartwheel! If they left out the contortionist stuff, I'd be a bigger fan.
Piers X'd little Breena, and suggested that she should do gymnastics and maybe go for the Olympics (wowzers). Sharon and Howie pretty much agree with Piers, which means she's outta here.
Overall Grade: C

Kevin Colis
He is a 33 year old musician from Texas. This guy is very cheesy about music, he said their was an empty space without music. Whatever.
Ugh, Kevin is singing "The Lazy Song," which I hate. Let me blunt, I'm not a huge fan of his voice. There is nothing special about it, and I'm not completely impressed (even though I wanted to be). Is this really the best singer they found of their YouTube auditions? If so, I should have tried out.
Howie liked his voice (??), so did Piers and Sharon. What is up with that?
Overall Grade: C- I didn't think he was nearly as good as they made him out to be... Kevin is just average.

Beth Ann Robinson
This is the second Southern girl who is overly peppy. For 14, she looks anorexic (as my mum pointed out).
Beth started out in a cage, which I think is way too stripper-esque for a young girl like her to do. Otherwise, she's really a good dancer. It's beautiful, elegant, and creative. I dig it! Favorite of the night so far.
Piers pretty much agreed with me (duh), Sharon and Howie loved it.
Overall Grade: A-

Gymkana
This group has been around since the 40s, and I think it's so rad how the group works. Also, it's dangerous, which we all know that I love.
They're performing to "The Edge of Glory," and that was fan-frickin-tastic. Seriously, I couldn't tear my eyes from the screen, it was that good. These guys were amazing and intense. New favorite of the night!
All of the judges were so impressed, and surprised that they aren't professionals.
Overall Grade: A for amazing!!

Kalani Basketball Freestyle
This guy is very attractive and Hawaiian, how cool. I can't wait to see what he can do with basketballs.
There's no doubt that this guy is super talented (and sometimes it looks like the ball is floating) and creative. That being said, I don't think that he'd make a great show in Vegas. I like watching him once, but that's probably it.
So, Piers X'd him (of course) because he accidentally dropped a ball. Howie agrees with my thoughts on the whole show thing...
Overall Grade: C+

West Springfield Dance Team
They actually want to look like this.
These dancers pretty much turn to zombies when they dance, which is weird. I'm not sure if I'm going to like them...
Not only was the music weird (and super irritating), it wasn't even great dancing. They seem to be going more for the scare effect more than anything. I'm not a fan, sorry. I'm all about things that are weird and different, but not dancing zombies.
All of the judges pretty much seemed to dig the creepy factor of the performance.
Overall Grade: C

Matt Wilhelm
This guy got the most votes on YouTube, and is a bike trickster. I hope that he is risking life and limb so that I am entertained. Good luck, sir.
It's really trippy because Matt is wearing all black and riding a red bike in the dark. That way we only see the red bike (which is kind of weird). So, I thought this act was pretty cool, but it trippy to just see the bike. Then he switched outfits and all we saw was him in the air, then he got back on the red bike. Now I'm impressed!!
The judges loved him, naturally. That's because Matt was frickin awesome.
Overall Grade: A

Powerhouse
Oh great, this is going to be a real life version of Glee. Apparently, the writer of Glee watched them which inspired the show.
I hate the song "Firework," so I already hate this performance. Not to mention, I don't think they sound very great together. As a (sometimes) fan of Glee, I think this is am annoying version of the show. At least the kids on the TV show are better performers and such. That was very cheesy.
Howie X'd them, because Glee set the bar, and they didn't meet it. Piers thought it was very cheesy (which it was), but it made him happy, same with for Sharon.
Overall Grade: D

Some of the American Idols Released Music Videos

Naturally the winner and runner up released music videos for their singles. I get that, because their singles are popular I guess (I heard "I Love You This Big" on the radio the other day and asked for it to be turned off, please). Anywhoo, Scotty da Body, Flute Extraordinaire and Lauren Alaina with her Sister/Mom made some musical videos. Woo hoo. Then my personal favorite, Miss Perfect Pia has a video for her new single. Does anybody still like her?

Here's the videos...
Pia Toscano's "This Time"
So there's that... I'm not sure if she (or to be correct the person who wrote the song) understands correct grammar. "My bags is packed at the back of your door?" As a future English teacher, I'm disappointed. Not to mention: Pia has way too much hair (just get a hair cut already) and for most of this video she looks likes she's posing for a senior portrait.
Overall, terrible music video. Her voice sounded okay, but I think we all know how much I dislike her.

The Runner Up: Lauren Alaina's "Like My Sister/Mom Does" oops, I mean "Like My Mother Does"
There is so much to make fun of in this music video! Seriously, she made it way too easy. First: Lauren, do you think your orange skin color looks natural? Do you think your two-toned, new extension hair looks natural? (It doesn't.) I love how they have her standing in the kitchen and sitting on the couch. If that's what her Sister/Mom does, it shouldn't be hard to be like her. Oh, and she wants to bow her head and pray (I'm so glad my mom doesn't do that).
Does anyone else think they've given Miss Lauren way too much cleavage for a 16 year old? Because I sure do. I also loved that tear she added for POW when looking at a family photo album.
PS: Lauren's Sister/Mom was just glad she had a cameo.

Finally, the winner, Scotty McCreery's "I Love You This Big"
It was really tough for me, but I managed to push past the cheesy opening line "I know I'm still young" (the first time I tried to watch it, I turned it off right away). I also just love how Scotty wants to remind people that he loves Jesus a lot by wearing that cross necklace all the time. There were way too many close ups of his face, and it started to freak me out.
Look, I just want everybody to know something: Whatever American Idol producer that told Scotty to stop holding the microphone like a flute should be fired immediately (if not something more drastic). He is Scotty da Body, Flute Extraordinaire for a reason.
Before I go, I should mention just how much I dislike this video and the song. It was hard just to watch it.
PS: Does anybody else find it hard to believe that deep voice comes from him? When we saw Scotty in concert, I realized it's completely real, but on a video it seems fake.

Okay, there you go Idol fans. Enjoy.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Have You Heard of Thylane Lena-Rose Blondeau?

I bet you think that you haven't heard of her, but you probably have. She is the French 10 year old girl who appeared on the cover of Vogue Enfants. Although she apparently was on the cover a few months ago, she is just now caught in a storm of controversy (over her terrible name, I'm assuming).

Here are some shots of this 10 (yes, 10, keep that age in mind) year old girl on the cover and in a spread for Vogue. It is shocking and maybe a little disturbing.

Even most women in their twenties don't own anything that low cut.


So there you have it. A ten year old model who looks older than most other cover girls. I think this is a bad case of Toddlers & Tiaras gone wrong.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Project Runway: Unconventional Challenge Recap

Okay, so I'm going to start blogging about Project Runway. My mum and I are huge fans - it's about gay guys and clothes, can't get much better than that. Let's make it work (I love Tim Gunn)!

Today these fabulous designers will be making clothes out of supplies from a pet store. It's the "Unconventional Challenge." I can't wait to see someone make a dress out of dog poop bags.
So I don't really have a plan for how I'm going to recap this, I'm just going with the flow.

Designer Breakdown

Danielle (one of mum's favorites): She's using wee wee pads, too! And netting of some sort.
Overall Grade: B+

Fallene (one of my favorites): She's a creative, native Coloradan. Couldn't ask for me. She's using some plastic plants for this, and it looks so super rad.
Overall Grade: B

Anthony "Rockin' One": He is in the top 4 of both me and my mum. He's making a pattern out of birdseed for the whole dress. I just want him to pull this off.
Overall Grade: A+ (This guy is amazing, how did he do that?)
I never thought I'd say that I'd wear a dress made out of bird seed.
Bert: He's in mine and mum's top 4. The dress is looking rather ugly, but he's just lucky to have immunity (which he knows).
Overall Grade: D (I'm disappointed.)

Julie: Another one from Colorado, way to represent. She's weaving the paper of cat food bags, which should be interesting.
Overall Grade: C+

Anya: This is the girl who apparently didn't know how to sow. Then why are you on the show?
Overall Grade: B+

Bryce: He's another one of my favorites. He's using a bunch of wee wee pads (funny name), and so are a bunch of other people.
Overall Grade: C- (The skirt looks like a bunch of tissues.)

Kimberly: I didn't pay much attention to her, sorry. She used a lot of rope.
Overall Grade: B- (One side looked incomplete.)

Josh C.: This is the one who thinks he's straight, even though we all know he's not. His outfit is a little bit boring.
Overall Grade: C-

Viktor: Another one using wee wee pads! After dying them purple, he made them look surprisingly good. I'm impressed.
Overall Grade: B+

Cecilia: She's putting a bunch of aquarium rocks onto muslin.
Overall Grade: C

Olivier: So, he is from Ohio...his accent is fake! I am no longer a fan (not that I ever was). Also, his name must be really be Oliver, but he calls himself Olivier. Onto the outfit, he's made a skirt out of rabbit bedding, and had some put on the girl's eyebrows.
Overall Grade: D+
Rabbits can live in my eyebrows.
Becky: She's using a lot of plastic plants. Awesome. It's very colorful.
Overall Grade: C-

Laura Kathleen "Barbie": Oh my gosh this girl is kind of dumb. She didn't think of how transparent the dog cone collar would be. (This is almost as good as last week, "You speak foreign?") Oh, and it's way too short, how did she not think of that?? So now she's making a skirt of a cat scratch thing.
Overall Grade: C

Josh McKinley "Pretty Boy": My mom loves him, he's in her top 4. I think she's also jealous of how perfect his eyebrows and hair look. Anyway, he's going way over the top. He's using tons of dog toys to make these heels looks rad. Then he made a top out of aquarium rocks.
Overall Grade: A- (PS: He kind of reminds me of these two fabulous gay guys my mum and I met in Portland. It makes me like him more.)

Results
Winner: Olivier/Oliver What?! His eyebrow thing was dumb, his accent is fake, and his dress wasn't that great.
Going Home: Josh C. I hope he goes home and finds a great man, er, woman (according to him, which is wrong).

Announcement: I think Anthony Ryan "Rockin' One" is going to win the whole thing. I usually say this the first episode, but I think this counts.

Monday, August 1, 2011

The Bachelorette: And the Winner Is...

Okay everybody, let's see who wins! Although I don't think ending up with Ashley necessarily qualifies as "winning".

First Ashley is meeting with her family, including her incredibly tattooed sister (no hate, they're just ridiculous tattoos). I'm sure her family is so happy to have been flown out to Fiji. Free vacation!

JP
He starts out by saying, "I'm just going to be myself," and my mom said, "Really, you're not going to be somebody else?" After about 5 minutes, Ashley's mom invited him into the family. But then Chrystie asked if JP made her laugh, and it seemed it was a no. Also, Chrystie hates JP because he's boring, and that made Ashley cry. (She's obviously upset because her tattooed sister is right.) Then Ashley talked to her sweaty, hot brother Eliot. That poor guy looked like he was about to have a damn heatstroke.
Now Chrystie and JP are going to sit down to talk. She totally accused JP of being boring (which I said from the moment he stepped put of the limo) and old. Chrystie told JP that he's way too old for Ashley and he can't handle her. He is 34 and Ashley is 27, is that really a big deal? Chrystie's tattoos have affected her brain. She's just going to have to deal with it, because Reality Steve has told me JP's going to win.
Then JP went and complained to Ashley, who told him she's easily influenced by other people. That's awesome, she doesn't think for herself. Obviously the producers set up all this drama so it's SHOCKING when JP wins.

Before Ben comes to meet the family, Ashley decided to talk to her sister. Chrystie keeps calling herself rational (although I'm not sure how rational a girl can be when she has that many ridiculous tattoos), and pretty much calling Ashley dumb. Guess what? Chrystie is right, Ashley is dumb. She keeps wanting to hear what she wants to hear, but freaks the eff out whenever Chrystie is honest, which she asked for. This drama is getting ridiculous.

Ben
Let's face it, I'm pretty cool. And Ashley is annoying.
Look, this guy is my favorite, but obviously not Ashley's favorite, for some strange voice. When Ashley accepts JP's proposal, I'll marry Ben (if he doesn't mind a rather big age gap). They did my favorite thing about Ben, where he talks in his "dog voice", it's so hilarious. Seriously, Ben is awesome, she should choose him. I'm now on a search for a guy like Ben, so hopefully this will turn out well.
Chrystie has decided that as Ashley's older sister, it's her responsibility to be a bitch (I don't think this, but Ashley does). It seems that Ben has gotten the Chrystie Stamp of Approval. It seems like Chrystie likes Ben, at least judging by the cheesy music in the background.
It seemed that everything with Ben went well, right? That's what will make the ending even more shocking! Good editing, producers.

I don't feel like reviewing the final dates, but Ashley went on a final date with Ben and JP. (I'm still willing to date Ben, especially after he used the word swimmingly. That's only if me and Winston don't work out.)

After the dates, they show Ben and JP showering or shirtless (absolutely necessary). First up, Ben goes to pick a ring by Neil Lane, and he was pretty cool, as usual. Then JP goes to pick a ring, and he was boring, as usual. I think that the losers should get to keep the ring for future engagements, especially since it will be super expensive.

The Men Propose
Both Ben and JP are arriving on a seaplane, just like how normal engagements happen.
The first man to arrive is Ben.
Poor guy is about to get rejected so badly. He looks rather dashing in his suit, I don't know how Ashley could reject him. Ben totally put his heart out on the table, right before Ashley breaks it. She even let him get down on knee?! And say she would make him the happiest man on earth?! What a bitch... Poor Ben did not see that coming, I actually feel bad for him (even if I do think this show is crap). Ashley chased after Ben as he walked away. He said, "I don't need you to sugarcoat this." Poor guy, I feel bad for Ben. And then they make him take a crappy boat back, rather than the seaplane. He said that JP is a safe choice, and I concur.

Then comes JP, and we already know how this one is going to end, with a ring on Ashley's finger.
Is this really a "win" for me?
What a dumb choice, he is so boring. Chrystie was right, and Ashley should have listened. Look, I don't need to watch all of this sappy crap. I know it's going to be so cheesy and ridiculous. So my mom made me watch this (thanks a lot), and JP made himself out to be such a romantic. I hate this. I think it's ridiculous how all of these proposals are so heartfelt and "let's be together forever," but that just doesn't happen on this show.
To clarify, The Winner: JP

I'm just going to combine the finale with After the Final Rose.

First they brought out Ben, who everyone loves (of course). Chris decided to show Ben the clip of when Ashley denied his proposal. What a pleasant reminder of a great day. As Chris said, that was one of the most genuine responses ever. Probably because it was one of the few scripted/guided moments of the show. Ben mentioned that he left Fiji, and went to his best friend's wedding. That must have been fun for him.
Now they're pulling Ashley onstage to hopefully make Ben feel somewhat better about what happened. When she came out, Ben said, "Nice ring." Classic. Then Ashley told him that he was her first choice, but then she changed her mind. Ben also said that he wanted to leave with some dignity (after Ashley let him get down on one knee, and then rejected him). Then he said that he's ready to find love. Is that a hint about him being the next Bachelor? I hope not...


Now they're bringing JP out with Ashley, so that we can see the happy couple. How adorable, right? Ashley said that he makes her feel complete, then they kissed a bunch of times.
Chris brought Chrystie onto the stage to explain why she hated JP (because he's boring). I didn't think it needed much explaining. But she apologized, after the show made a whole big deal of the drama.

Ashley announced that she is moving to NYC with JP. They haven't booked a wedding yet (meaning it won't happen), and Chris warned them that they'll probably fail like everyone else. They're also being sent back to Fiji. Hooray.

That's it. It's finally over! I will not be watching Bachelor Pad, because that show is even worse. Next season, I'll be back for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.