Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Voice: And the Winner Is...

Who's ready to find out who the winner of The Voice is? I am (if only so this show will finally end)! So now, let's get it started.

Two observations right off the bat: Beverly is wearing a trench coat suit (cool), and Dia's hair is cut, or styled, ridiculously short (not cool). She looks like a geisha or something.
Onto the real stuff.

Vicci Martinez with Pat Monahan
I'm crrrazy! Just like Train's hair.

If you're like me, you're asking, "Who is Pat Monahan?" Apparently, he's some dude from Train (awesome band). Hold the phone! This Pat guy is the singer from Train. I had always called him train, I guess I just learned something new.Vicci and Train (this is how I will refer to him) are singing my favorite song of his, "Drops of Jupiter." Quality song. Train sounded great, and Vicci sounded just alright. I'm not sure this was the best pairing for her, Vicci should have been with someone a little crazy - not someone with crazy hair (seriously, Train's hair looked like he was just electrocuted). Despite that, this was one of Vicci's best performances, but it came just a little too late, huh?
CeeLo mumbled his admiration for Vicci, and I couldn't understand a word he said. But, I did love his blinged-out track suit (where can I get me one of those?).

Javier Colon with Stevie Nicks
I don't want to be a head nudist.
They got Stevie Nicks to come on this crap-tacular (copyrighted by Rachel) show? Wow. Someone must have done something they aren't proud of to get her, if you know what I mean... Something like being a producer on this show! Oh, snap.
Anyway, Javier decided to keep his Nude Head look. I can't decide whether or not I like it. Stevie Nicks keeps doing this weird thing with her hand, and it's really freaking me out. Also, Javier and Stevie are both acting and looking like they're a little high... Were they smoking pot together before the show? That would explain a lot. (By the way, I'm only kind of kidding.) I don't have anything serious to say about this performance, not that I ever have anything serious to say in general. This song annoys me a lot, and Stevie's weird hand movements are a huge distraction to me.
Adam Levine was about to cry - out of boredom? Because I was about to do that, too. Also, Adam almost implied that singing with Stevie Nicks was better than getting married or having kids (looks like someone is a tad jealous - Adam really needs to get over Javier).

Whoa! I just saw Christina practically grab her boobs. She gets stranger and stranger by the minute.
Have I annoyed you to tears yet?
Beverly McClellan with Ryan Tedder
I like singing with Teddy Bears...or at least Ryan Teddy Bear.
I want to call him Ryan Teddy Bear, because that's what I thought of when I heard his name. Fun Fact: OneRepublic is a hometown band! Woot woot (unfortunately, I'm not a very big fan).
I think this was a weird pairing. In fact, this performance is a mess. Ryan Teddy Bear doesn't sound very good live, and Beverly totally screwed up that screaming note, but decided to push through it anyway. Not a good choice. Ugh, this does not sound good at all! I've decided that I will never see Ryan Teddy Bear and OneRepublic in concert, because he is not good at all. The best part of the song was when Ryan Teddy Bear sang something about Colorado (I'm really trying to milk this nickname while I have a chance). Otherwise, this was a badly sung, weirdly danced, mess of a performance.
Christina looked skanky and complimented Beverly for being awesome. Then she tried, once again, to make a better image of herself by calling the judges "the brothers I never had." They must hate having the sister they never wanted.

Dia Frampton with Miranda Lambert
I. Will. Win!
I want to see a girl fight onstage. Why? Because I have a feeling that Miranda must be jealous of all of Blake's flirting with the soon-to-be winner of this show.
Anywhoo... They're singing Lambert's hit song "The House That Built Me." Miranda has a pink bedazzled microphone, and she kind of sounds sick (is that she is supposed to sound?). Dia's new hair is stupid!!! It makes me so mad that I'm using an excessive amount of exclamation points!!!!! She loses my vote just for that. Ugh this song is way too slow, they've pretty much lost my interest. Side note: there's a partial orchestra in the background. I've always loved when that's in a song, it makes it ten times cooler (except for in this instance). On another side note, I'm pretty sure I saw Miranda glare at Dia in jealousy. (I really want to start the rumor of Miranda hating Dia. Help me make it spread like wildfire!)
Blake is about to admit his undying love for Dia and his upcoming divorce from Miranda... No? Well darn, I was hoping for some drama. Instead, Blake just told Dia that she's like family to him now (that's practically and invitation to join them for Thanksgiving).

Okay, now it's time for 3 hearts breaking and 1 heart making (I know that doesn't make sense, but I really wanted it to rhyme), but 4 people crying...
The Moment of Truth
It's time to find out the winner... But, more importantly, it's time to find out whether I gain or lose $1 million (looking back on it, that might have been a bit of an extreme wager).
I hope they don't stretch this out and make everyone nearly pee their pants. Oh wait, Carson decided to make the contestants' hearts stop by announcing, "The voting was extremely close...that the top two were within only 2% of each other." Wow, let me think about that for a minute... No, wait, TELL ME THE RESULTS!!
Top Two Artists: Dia Frampton (duh!) and Javier Colon.
I have a lot of money riding on this...I better be right. Oh, and good-bye Not-Winners (aka losers), Beverly McClellan and Vicci Martinez.

And finally, after waiting for much too long...
The Winner.......JAVIER COLON!
What up, bitches?
Wait, what the eff??? Why would America vote for a guy who thinks lullabies can be about dead people, and whose last name reminds me of the organ that produces crap???
Dia should have won, because she was truly an artist (and also because I just lost $1 million, which I didn't even have to begin with). How disappointing... This is like when James Durbin got voted off of Idol (but to a much, much lesser degree. I had more money riding on him than Dia).

Hopefully America doesn't screw up next season, in which I will (most likely) appear. You better vote me through, America! Look for me on either American Idol or The Voice, struggling to sing and play the banjo (which I'm still learning. I guess the only song I'll be able to sing is Hush Little Baby).
Until then...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Words of Wisdom: More Stephen Colbert

I have come to the realization that one can never have enough of Stephen Colbert. So here is another nugget of sarcastic genius. (This might become an almost daily occurance.)

"When someone becomes an American citizen can you see it happen? Because seconds before they were a citizen they were completely untrustworthy, freeloaders, here to take the jobs that Americans don't wanna do. That second they become an American they are the greatest, bravest people on Earth."

Wow, those words truly inspire me... I can't even describe how awesome Colbert is.

No, sir, I salute you.

The Voice: The Final Showdown

Hello, America! It's time for The Voice: The Final Showdown.
The top 4 contestants will compete for the ultimate prize...winning the show! And a recording contract and other stuff, I think... Let's do this!!

So the show opens with the judges singing "Under Pressure." They tried to make it sound all touching and stuff, but it souds so cheesy. And to top it off, CeeLo is wearing a red bathrobe (at least I'm assuming that's what it is). This song makes me think that the producers were just trying to fill time. Bad way to fill the time, producers.

Here's the low down for tonight: First, they'll sing an original song. This part makes me super excited. American Idol needed this, and this shows true artistry (and I can't wait to see what Dia Frampton does). Then, the contestants will sing a duet with their coaches/judges (which is weird).

Javier Colon
I have a hat for everyday of the week.
Adam fell in love with Javier. He clearly didn't learn the lesson about never falling for a married man (tsk, tsk).
Presenting his original song (but I don't think he wrote it): "Stitch By Stitch" about being a family man. Awesome.
Tonight Javier ditched his baseball cap for a leather hat that matches his jacket. Here's my thoughts: Javier had a decent voice, but it doesn't have the "wow" factor. He also keeps screwing up on some of the notes, and it doesn't sound great. Not to mention that the lyrics to this song are terrible (and cheesy). Seems like Javier is ready to sell out to the pop genre. Congratulations, dude. You'll be a successful sell out.
Now it's time to hear the overly enthusiastic judges gush over Javier's "family man" song. So Blake made no comment about his performance, Christina loved it, CeeLo talked nonsense but loved it. Adam got all choked up to try and garner some votes for Javier (what's in it for him, anyway?).
Overall Grade: B-

Dia Frampton feat. Blake Shelton
"I Won't Back Down" is the duet they'll be singing together. I'm sure Dia will rock it out! I want to make a wager: I wager $1 million that she'll win. (And if I'm wrong, then I'm deleting the previous sentence tomorrow.)
I have to admit...I love the sunglasses and suits thing. They kind of look like the Men in Black. Dia's voice sounds awesome, and her voice works well with Blake's. There's not much else to say about this performance, except that it's AWESOME. Boom. Oh, actually there is something else to say (sorry that I lied): I love their guitars, they're camo! Rock 'n roll.
Overall Grade: A-

Vicci Martinez
So, once again, the original song isn't really original - someone else wrote it. That angers me! Write your own damn songs! But whatever, we'll see what Vicci can do.
This (not really) original song is called "Afraid to Sleep." That's exactly how I feel. Insomniacs, unite!
This immediately shot down a ton of points because of the pre-recorded echoing of her voice in at the end of lines. How cheesy! And, to add to the cheesiness, everyone in the audience was given a glow stick to wave in the air (lame). The lyrics to this song suck, I hate pop music more than I can accurately describe. My thoughts: with Vicci, it's a hit or a miss on hitting notes. Sometimes she sounds great, but others it sounds terrible. I think she gets a bit too excited. The lyrics of the song killed it for me.
Let's hear the judges sugar coat their opinions. Tell it like it is, guys! Sheesh. Adam called her "a powerful little thing," and gave her his pants (weird, because either he wears girl's pants or she wears guy's pants). Blake and Christina blah blah blah-ed it up. And CeeLo sparkled in his bedazzled bathrobe and tried to sound philosophical.
Overall Grade: C

I am skipping through the crap-tacular (this is copyrighted by me, but I'll let you use it) Pitbull and Nee-Yo. I like listening to talented singers - which is why I can't wait to stop watching The Voice.

Beverly McClellan feat. Christina Aguliera
Guess what song Christina chose? "Beautiful." Gosh, she sure has a huge head, by choosing her own song and gushing about how awesome it is. I'm just glad that Beverly is singing it, as well because she is unique and talented.
Beverly starts it off sounding awesome, and then...Christina steps in, and tries to overshadow the contestant (but this isn't shocking). I think it's awesome that Beverly got to sing this, because you can feel the emotion behind the words for her. Her voice sounds great, very strong performance for Beverly (Christina, on the other hand, should probably sing different songs). I dug it! If Dia doesn't win, Beverly should. Actually, Beverly should win but I think Dia will win.
Overall Grade: A

Dia Frampton
She may be shy, but mess with her, and that coffee will be thrown in your face.
I'm really mad because Dia didn't get to choose her own original song! That must make her frustrated, because she's spent years writing her own lyrics. Dia is an artist, and she should be able to use her own music.
Here is "original" song "Inventing Shadows."
Dia took to the piano to sing this new song (when she should be singing her own song). Her voice is so unique and she shows so much emotion, and I love that about her. Unfortunately, the lyrics aren't the great so she probably isn't feeling as emotionally connected to this song. Also, the guys who are dancing behind the screens to seem shadows is super cheesy (my mom pointed out tht strippers usually do that).
Christina didn't even compliment Dia, but instead talked about herself (that's the point of being a judge). CeeLo said her song will be number 1 on iTunes, I sure hope so. Adam pointed out that the theatrics were stupid (agreed!). Blake pointed out that Dia is awesome.
Overall Grade: A- I'm still just angry that she didn't get to write her own song.

Javier Colon feat. Adam Levine
They'll be talking "Man in the Mirror" for their duet. How magical!
Javier removed his hat again! He looks old again, but better. Yeah, that might be a contradiction, but oh well. I'm not taking this performance seriously (sorry, guys). I think Adam should have chosen his own song, "Moves Like Jagger." Because, really, that song inspires me. Seriously though, their voices sound pretty good together. They're both high pitched, pop enhanced voices.
Overall Grade: B-

So, I skipped through Brad Paisley (sorry, bud). But I did see him pull Blake Shelton up onstage. Comradery at its finest.

Beverly McClellan
I hope there's a bagpipe in this song! If there is anything resembling pop music in this song, I'm giving up (on what? I'm glad you asked. This terrible show, is what).
This song has tons of crescendo, and it's called "Love Sick." Here we go again...
There's too much drum in this song, it's kind of poppy and rock-ish. I was hoping for some bagpipes or Beverly playing the piano, but it looks like I've been let down. Here's the thing...I'm not a fan of this song. It feels like the opposite of Beverly's style, and the horrible lyrics don't help (seriously, whoever they hired to write these songs should be fired or executed immediately). Beverly's short time at the piano was the highlight of the song...that's when her voice sounded the best, too. I'm more disappointed with the song than Beverly's voice.
CeeLo is like a philosopher, in a blinding bathrobe. Adam sat there and looked hot (I barely listen when he talks, he's just eye candy for me). Blake said, "If music were crack, you would have a serious problem." Story of my life... Christina gushed and gushed and blah blah blah.
Overall Grade: B for Beverly

Vicci Martinez feat. CeeLo Green
For this "explosive" duet, they'll be singing "Love is a Battlefield." I'm not completely sure what CeeLo said most of the time, but I did hear him say something about "whipper snappers."
So, according to Vicci and CeeLo, this will be epic (it sure seems that way). A rock version of a classic ballad, I can't wait.
CeeLo comes out looking like a character from World of Warcraft with young children bowing to him (that worries me). These over-the-top theatrics are ridiculous and super distracting. Also, my mom said, "CeeLo really is a freak." True that. I really liked the idea of making this into a rock song, but I much preferred watching this with my eyes closed (see what I did there?).
Overall Grade: D+ The ridiculous theatrics and CeeLo's semblance to a demon earned this performance a low grade.

Okay guys, vote smartly (Dia, Beverly, Dia, Beverly). The fate of these singers is in your hands. Don't screw this up like you did with American Idol!
And with that, good night (vote for Dia).

Monday, June 27, 2011

Words of Wisdom From My Hero, Stephen Colbert

This needed to be posted, because Stephen Colbert just said the funniest piece of wisdom I've ever heard to come from the mouth of this patriotic genius.

As I'm share you know, New York just legalized gay marriage (best thing to ever happen in New York, and soon the whole country). Stephen Colbert made a hilarious comment about it. (By the way, for those who aren't aware of Mr. Colbert, he's VERY sarcastic.)

Words of Wisdom:
"I am not happy, or 'gay,' that this law passed, I'm very sad, or 'heterosexual.'"

Is this man not just absolutely hilarious? He drips with sarcasm (thanks, Mom), and he makes such a valid point about our ridiculous ideas about gay people.

How weird, I have the exact same tattoo...

The Bachelorette in Hong Kong

Who's ready for a night full of drama from "The Bachelorette?" Well, buckle up, because it's about to hit ya.

So now they've traveled to Hong Kong (I'll be adding this to my list of Future Places to Visit With Future Suitors). And Ashley is still bitching about Bentley. He was a tool, get over him, you dummy.

Oh, and guess who JUST found out Bentley was at the hotel? Ashley! (But she obviously knew, the producers had to tell her. She's a pretty bad faker.)
And check out Ashley's hotel decor... (Sorry about the quality, I took it with my cell phone.)

I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!
So now Ashley is going to go talk to Mr. Tool Bag, Bentley. I am going to mock this to no end.
They kissed? How stupid. Bentley didn't even want that to happen. And now he's asking for an update about what's happened since he left? Who is this loser? Oh, and he asked "Was it fun at least?" when talking about him leaving... (Does this guy have a brain?)
There was a lot of discussion of dots ("dot dot dot"), and Bentley being a tool. At one point, Ashley said, "I believe in fate. And I don't know why you came in my life." Uh, because the producers picked him. Duh.
Bentley hasn't even given her any explanations for his leaving, and now they have their period (which one are they talking about?). God this guy is the biggest TOOL ever. He could have just called her to talk in circles, but the producers wanted to create more drama by having him fly out to Hong Kong. What a loser (both Bentley and Ashley).

Major Tool.
 One-on-One Date
Lucas will be going on a date with the lovely (?) Ashley. Hopefully he doesn't screw this up.
Again, they go to a street market, where "they're selling things!" Nice observation, Ashley. I love how Ashley always makes these awesome date ideas sound like she came up with them, not that they were planned by the producers.
Now it's time for the serious talks at dinner. Turns out, Lucas was married before. Gasp! (Not like this isn't a common occurance.) According to Lucas, "God has a plan for me." Whatever gets you through the day, dude.
As Ashley ends every one of her words like a question, she offers Lucas the rose (say no! Say no!). And they kissed. Congratulations, guys. Scripted Love is beautiful.

Group Date
Mr. Sunshine (Ryan), Mickey Mouse, Constantine, Ben, Yale (Ames), and Blake will be competing for the affections of Ashley. She is looking especially skanky today with her exposed, overly-tanned stomach.
They'll be racing in teams on dragon boats, while recruiting other people to help them row.
Blue Team: Constantine and Ben
Red Team: Mr. Sunshine and Blake
Black Team: Yale and Mickey Mouse
After a bunch of crap and stuff which I skipped through, The Winners: Black Team. Wow, they won a trophy, they probably feel so good about themselves (that's what I pride myself on, rowing boats).
So after all the mingling and small talk, let's just skip to...
Who Gets the Rose: Mr. Sunshine. Nice job, you big ray of sunshine.
Hold up! It appears that everyone hates Ryan. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because he's a big ol' cheeseball.

One-on-One Date
JP, "The Jew From Long Island," gets to spend quality (?) time with the lovely (?) Ashley.
They're eating dinner at the Chinese Zodiac Park. Maybe the stars will align for them (gosh, I am clever). Now they're talking about some stupid stuff, and JP talks about proposing. Two months together and than a proposal? Sounds like Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed, to me! (They better run out and get finger tattoos, too.)
Fun Fact: The last thing that made JP cry was his ex. Be a man! Men don't cry, they're not even allowed to have tear ducts!
Then Ashley spilled about Bentley, and she's scared JP will flip out (but he's not a dramatic woman, so he should be able to control himself). I don't think JP cares too much, he was probably just picturing her naked. But he rebounded quickly and seemed like a sensitive guy! How touching.
Oh, and he gets the rose. Obviously.

Cocktail Party
Now it's time for Ashley to tell the rest of the guys about Bentley. She feels liberated after telling JP, aaaand, cue the cheesy, heroic music (the music on this show is laughable).
Whose ready for a bunch of grown men to freak out like a bunch of teenage girls? I am! So the guys are fuming, because Bentley is a douche who no one should waste their precious time on. Then JP stuck up for her after she left (awesome timing, I know).
Oh, and the guys are still totally pissed. Ashley was just being honest, and the guys were bitching about this ridiculousness. Get over it, dummies! Alas, Mickey Mouse is leaving because he can't get over his huge ego for two seconds to realize the producers love to stir up drama (oh, the trials of being on reality TV).

Rose Ceremony
Those who already have roses: Lucas, Mr. Sunshine, JP.
I have to say mine and Chris' classic line "Ashley, Gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." Seriously, how would anyone know when it was the final rose without Chris Harrison?
Leaving Us Tonight Is.......Blake Looks like he should have left when he had the chance...
The music they played during the Rose Ceremony made it sound like a backdrop to a Kung Fu Movie. I wish I was watching that, instead...
This would have made the show so much more interesting.
 So, after this dramatic episode of The Bachelorette, it's time for me to go wash my eyes out with soap. (This show is terrifying.)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Church of Mumford: The Meaning of "Sigh No More"

Hello, Blogosphere. I am here, once again, with a Mumford & Sons post (sorry I didn't do it yesterday, I was busy). Here's what's gonna go down:
Some pictures of the band and Country Winston (I think I'm in love with him right now), a video or two, then my interpretation of the meaning of the album. Then I will break down the meaning of every song (in the order in which it would make sense). You can skip over that part because I'm sure it will be long, but I need to release my theory to the world!

Pics and Videos (I'll insert more throughout the post, this is just an overall dump)
 "Sister" (Yes, I've already posted this song, but this person was FRONT ROW!! Plus, I get to see more of Winston, so I think it's a win-win.)

"White Blank Page" (notice how he says "this king" instead of "the king")

"I Gave You All"


Rachel, let me help you play the banjo.

So, I have pretty much gotten everyone close to me hooked on Mumford & Sons. Although no one is nearly as obsessed as I am (I spent a good chunk of my day decoding lyrics yesterday), my mom comes close. We have had countless conversations about what the album means, as a whole. Because, knowing these guys and how smart they are, the whole album is a story. Each song can be looked at individually, but collectively they are one whole story (like chapters in a book). 
Are you ready for it?
Drumroll please....
Meaning of the Album: The Theory
This whole album is about Marcus (assuming he wrote all the songs) in a relationship. He is in a relationship with this girl (I'm calling her Ms. Mum so we understand to whom I'm referring), but he cheats on her with another girl (calling her Lover). This whole album details the affair, his struggle with doing the right thing, and telling his girlfriend, and the inevitable breakup with Ms. Mum.
Quick summary of some of these songs:
"Winter Winds" - the affair
"The Cave" - saying he will change
"I Gave You All" - leading to the break up
"Thistle and Weeds" - aftermath of the breakup, his devastation
"After the Storm" - complete aftermath, when it's time to move on
Holy crapole,  guys. I think mine and my mom's theory just might be right (we are 99.9% sure, but I'm willing to bet a ton of money on this). I know that tons of these songs are based on literature, but those are symbols for the events going on in Marcus' life at the time the album was written.

Okay, now I'm moving on. Again, this next part is optional to read, but if you are a truly obsessed and dedicated member of the Church of Mumford (and you pray to The Mumford, The Sons, and The Holy Banjo), then you just might want to read on.
Meaning of Individual Songs: The Theory
Forewarning, this is going to be long. I am going through every song on the album, and in the order in which they would make sense, were their album a book. Let's get started!
But, if you want it to be shorter, just stop reading about every song when I get to the italicized, lyrics part. Because that's when I start delving deeper into the meaning, but the beginning part is an overall summary of the song.
Good luck on your journey, young Mumford Follower!

Timshel: So, I really have no idea where this one would go if it were a book, but I'm assuming it would be a prologue (I'm just going to run with this book metaphor). In case you didn't know, this song is based off of East of Eden by John Steinbeck (sorry, I can't summarize it for you, it's too complicated to do it quickly). But a main part of the book is about the Hebrew word "timshel" which means "thou mayest." Which pretty much says that humans have a choice between good and evil, and life is part destiny and part the choices you make. So this details Marcus' struggle between "good" and "evil," but he's made his choices.

Winter Winds: This one is about the affair.
"Oh the warmth in your eyes lead me into your arms. Was it LOVE or FEAR of the cold that lead us through the night? For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt." (See that? This is clearly about an affair he had, and despite his efforts, he couldn't resist.)
"My head told my heart, 'Let love grow.' But my heart told my head, 'This time no, this time no.'" (Usually it would be the other way around, but clearly there is some logical part of him saying it would be good to stay with Lover - maybe monetary reasons? keep that in mind - but his heart is somewhere else, with Ms. Mum.)
"So let the memories be good for those who stay." (He is only thinking in the moment, he doesn't care about the repercussions at the time.)
"You'll be happy and wholesome again, when the city clears and sun ascends." (He is talking to himself here, and this relates to another song. He is saying that he'll be fine when the sun ascends, meaning spring, when things are reborn.)

Sigh No More: This one is a good one. As I'm sure you know, this is based on the play "Much Ado About Nothing" by Shakespeare. And so many of the lines are from the play, but before I get to those...this song is an explanation to Ms. Mum as to why he had an affair with Lover. Onto lyric interpretations!
"Serve God, love me and mend." (Have faith, love me, and you will get better - kind of an apology)
 "Sigh no more, no more." (This is from a song in the play, and it means "accept infidelity as man's nature")
"One foot in sea and one on shore." (This is talking about man's indecisiveness, also from the song in the play)
"But man is a giddy thing." (This means that men are impulsive)
Okay, there are some Shakespeare interpretations. So he is saying "I had this affair, once, because it is in man's nature to do such a thing." Then at the end, he is saying that love is simple, and it just is, and it is his desire to find that love (which he may or may not have with Ms. Mum).

Roll Away Your Stone: This song is about, according to Mumford & Sons' website: "a man unsuccessfully filling the hole in his soul." This is clearly discussing the motives and reasons why he cheated on Ms. Mum with Lover. If he was unsuccessfully filling the hole in his soul, then there was obviously something missing his relationship with Ms. Mum. This also an attempt at reconciliation, "Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine, together we can see what we will find." (He is saying, I'll take responsibility for my faults, and you do the same.)
"Stars hide your fires." (This is a quote from MacBeth. It is saying that he doesn't want the stars to shine so that he would be blind to his own dark desires.)
"It's not the long walks home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with the restart." (He is saying that he won't change if Ms. Mum makes him keep trying to make it up to her, but with her acceptance and being forgiving, he will change his ways.)
"You had neither reason nor rhyme, with which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine." (Leading to the break up...)

Picture Break!
Rachel, you're a genius. Join our band.
White Blank Page: Okay, this one is his conflicting feelings with Ms. Mum, and it's pretty much the break up song. The first verse is where Marcus is asking HIMSELF (not anyone else, I just want to make that clear because most of his songs are personal conversations, and he shifts point of view a lot) if he can be with his girlfriend and admit what he did wrong, and confess to still loving her.
In the above acoustic version of this song, Marcus sings:
"And can you kneel before THIS king, and say I'm clean, I'm clean?" (Some people have interpreted this part as something about God, but Mumford & Sons are not a Christian band [when they, collectively, are god, how could they be?], but I think he's talking about his conscience. If he can be okay with himself for what he did, despite the fact that it's in his nature.)
"You did not think when you sent me to the brink, the brink. You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections." (Saying to his girlfriend that he wanted love from her, but he did not receive it, so, foolishly, he searched for it elsewhere.)
"Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life." (This is his attempt at reconciliation, saying "If you lead me to true love, I will stay with you. Please don't end this relationship.")

I Gave You All: This is my favourite Mumford & Sons song at the moment, it's so moving. This is pretty much a continuation of the break up song, where he is saying to Ms. Mum that he gave her all of his heart, and just because of one mistake she is throwing it all away. There are tons of things to interpret in this song.
"Rip the earth in two with your mind, seal the urge which ensues with brass wires." (So it's saying that her world is falling apart, all because of a connection Marcus had with Lover. But that's all it was, a connection.)
"Force from the world a patient smile." (This is my favorite line from this song. He just wants some time to explain and heal.)
"How can you say that your truth is better than ours?" (This is hard to explain, but pretty much it's saying that how can you say that what you think happened is better than the love we shared?)
"The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home." (Marcus, in the affair, was blind to what he had with Ms. Mum.)
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won." (This relates back to Winter Winds, when he is saying to make the most of the time they have.)
"But you rip it from my hands and you swear it's all gone. And you rip out all I had just to say that you've won." (Ms. Mum wants to feel like she had control of the relationship by ending it and breaking Marcus' heart.)
So now it's over.

Little Lion Man: First, let's see what Marcus Mumford himself had to say about this awesome song:
"It’s a very personal story, so I won’t elaborate upon too much. Suffice to say, it was a situation in my life I wasn’t very happy with or proud of…"
Come on, that's a dead give away! (At least it is to me.) So this song follows the break up, and how he wasn't proud of the affair he had and breaking Ms. Mum's heart and ruining the relationship.
This song is, without a doubt, a conversation Marcus is having with himself.
"But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really f***ed it up this time, didn't I my dear?" (He is so upset with himself for what he did, because he ruined the relationship that he and Ms. Mum had.)
"Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head." (Just an assumption, but he's probably pissed at himself for making up problems between him and Ms. Mum to, in a way, justify his affair.)

Thistle and Weeds: Aftermath of the break up, Part I. He's really upset about what all happened, and it's devastating him.
"Spare me your judgements and spare your dreams, 'cause recently mine have been tearing my seems." (He doesn't want anymore hatred from Ms. Mum because he knows what he did was wrong.)
"I sit alone in this winter, clarity which clouds my mind. Alone in the wind and the rain you left me." (So the symbol of winter is apparent in this album, because it's time of death and endings. And Ms. Mum left Marcus alone. The clarity which clouds my mind is so strong, because he knows why she left, but it still haunts him.)
"Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown, I know you have felt much more love than you've show." (Here he is talking to himself. Remember in Winter Winds when I talked about the head over heart thing? Well, this explains that - she was good for him for monetary reasons. And he knows that he can be much more loving than he was.)
"The sky above us shoots to kill." (I just love this song. It leads up to After the Storm, because this is referring to lightening, and he sings "rain down on me." The storm is the whole aftermath of the breakup.)
"I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones." (Here he is saying that there is more than just sex, and he loved Ms. Mum, Lover was just an accident, if you will.)

Awake My Soul: I think that this song is kind of an epiphany for Marcus, when he realizes that he didn't find his soul mate and that he needs to change (or, at least, that's what I think he means). This song is so beautiful, but the meaning to it still trips me up, so I'll do my best. I'm also not completely sure where this one fits as a chapter, but I'm just going to leave it here (mostly because the end of Thistle and Weeds leads seamlessly into the beginning of this one).
"How fickle my heart and woozy my eyes." (Fickle = not constant or loyal, likely to change; Woozy = stupidly confused. This relates to Sigh No More, because he is easily changeable.)
"Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all, but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes I can change what you see, but your soul you must keep totally free." (This is where Marcus is doubting himself and his ability to love. He feels that he will just ruin a relationship.)
"Awake my soul." (This is him wanting to change and be better, but it's hard for him to just yet.)

Another picture break!
Dust Bowl Dance: This song is based off of John Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath. Using SparkNotes, I looked up the themes, and here is one I found: "Refusal to be broken by the circumstances that conspire against them." I think this is a really important part of this song, because Marcus is coming to realize that he can't be broken by what happened. Let's interpret!
"I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill, and now I am sure my heart could never be still." (Marcus often uses the words "land" and "hill" in his songs, and I'm pretty sure they are symbolic of relationships. So he placed all of his love with Ms. Mum, and now his heart is broken.)
"Align my heart, my body, my mind, to face what I've done and do my time." (This is him admitting to what he did wrong, and realizing that he must accept the consequences of his actions.)
"Well yes sir, yes sir, yes it was me, I know what I've done 'cause I know what I've seen. I went out back and I got my gun." (In short, he's also admitting his faults. The gun part I just like, but I think it relates back to that theme I mentioned before.)

After the Storm: This is easily the most beautiful song on the whole "Sigh No More" album. It's heart wrenching, and is apologetic to Ms. Mum.
"And I took you by the hand, and we stood tall. And remembered our own land, what we lived for." (This is him and Ms. Mum looking back on their "land", otherwise known as their relationship.)
"But there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears." (This is the apologetic part. I feel like Marcus is apologizing to both himself and Ms. Mum for what happened, but to know that love like it is supposed to be will be good when it comes.)
"Well I'm scared of what's behind, and what's before." (This is hesitation for what will happen next in his life. This is also how, on the website, this song is explained. Marcus is scared of what happened and what will happen. Yet, it's after the storm, so he has to move on.)

The Cave: This is a biggie. First, it draws from The Odyssey and Plato's Allegory of the Cave. I think this is the last chapter/song in their album/book because it is the most optimistic song they have. Marcus made a change and is ready to move on. Also, at pretty much every concert they play, this is the last song or the encore. Let's get started!
"It's empty in the valley of your heart, the sun it rises slowly as you walk away from all the fears and all the faults you've left behind." (Marcus is moving on from his troubled relationship with Ms. Mum and all of the bad things he did. Also, remember in Winter Winds when he says "You'll be happy and wholesome again, when the city clears and sun ascends"? That's important, because the sun is rising here!)
"But I will hold on hope." (This is huge. The "I will hold" is repeated in so many of his songs, and he is saying that he won't let this defeat him.)
"And I'll find strength in pain, and I will change my ways." (Marcus will be stronger from this relationship, and he will change his cheating ways.)
"So make your siren's calls and sing all you want, I will not hear what you have to say." (He won't cheat anymore, despite the temptations.)
"Because I need freedom now, and I need to know to live my life as it's meant to be." (He is ready to move on from the Ms. Mum relationship and see life in a positive way.)

So there you have it, folks! Those are my interpretations of the songs and the album as a whole. Understanding the meaning behind each song has made me fall in love with Mumford & Sons even more. Try listening to the songs in that order, and see if it makes sense to you.
And, if you made it this far, I will leave you with a few more pictures (as a reward). Toodle-oo! And thanks for reading!

Gosh I love these dear, darling Country Winston Marshall, Marcus Mumford, Ben Lovett, and Ted Dwane. Gotta love Mumford & His Sons!

Also, I have to thank my Mother for our conjoined efforts in the interpretation of this majestic album. And my Father for discussing these ideas with me, as well. Also my friend Laura Mora for listening to these ideas for almost 2 hours last night. Thanks for this Mummy! (I'm preparing for the Mummy Award, meaning greatness in all things Mumford, I'm sure the band will award me...)

Friday, June 24, 2011

News: JLo, Bieber, and Ron Artest (For Now)

Let's begin with Jennifer Lopez
Apparently, her husband Marc Anthony wants her to quit judging American Idol next season to "spend more time with him and their children." Really, Marc? That's your argument? JLo is making bank being a judge (if that's what she still wants to be called, but I think they should change the name to "I-Don't-Want-to-Hurt-Your-Feelings-Too-Much Semi-Judge), and that helps out the kids, right?
I mean, she is a celebrity, so she might as well do what every other Hollywood mom does: Hire a nanny or three. Who needs a mom when you have a nanny?
Go swim in the ocean, kids. Your new nanny is now responsible.
The Biebster
This guy...crazy. There isn't much a story here, I just thought it was funny. But pretty much, J Biebs wore a shirt of Tiffany Thiessen (from "Saved by the Bell"), so she wore a shirt of him. Crazy!!
Ron Artest (For Now)
If there is one thing I don't understand about sports, it is the desire for the athletes to legally change their names, or to start being called something different. It's just stupid.
Some past examples: Chad Ochocinco (Chad Johnson - this one just takes the cake)
Magic Johnson (Earvin Johnson)
The Rock (Dwayne Johnson)
Tiger Woods (Eldrick Woods)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Frederick Ferdinand Lewis Alcindor, Jr. - changed after converting to Islam), Nene (Maybyner Rodney Hilario - don't blame him)

All of these examples are pretty ridiculous, no? Well, now Ron Artest wants to change his name to, wait for it... Metta World Peace.
Are you kidding me?! How egotistical must one be to have the desire to change one's name to include World Peace? Every time I hear his name announced during a game, I will probably die of laughter.
I think I'm the shit.
PS: Tonight I will do another, much anticipated, Mumford & Sons post. (Please join the Church of Mumford.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Voice: Announcing The Final Four

Hello America. Let me be honest with you guys... I have only seen the last 12 minutes of The Voice because I was out and did not know the show was on at 7. So I apologize for this relatively lame-ish post! I feel pretty embarrassed (not really)...
Forgive me? Thanks.

So, I don't know all the other drama that went down in the previous 48 minutes of the show. So all you get is who moves on and my opinion.

CeeLo's Team: Vicci Martinez
My dog days are over, losers.
She has decent vocals. Although I was hoping Nakia would stay (mostly so I could still refer to him as The Resident Caveman).

Adam's Team: Javier Colon
He has a decent voice. Although I don't remember much from his performance last night, other than him taking off his baseball cap (which, apparently, was more exiting than his singing).

Blake's Team: Dia Frampton
Woot woot! Give it up for true artists. I really like Dia, if only because she is truly artistic and writes her own music. I have tons of respect for that. Nice job, America!

Christina's Team: Beverly McClellan
Guess who thinks this is awesome? Me. I love people who are interesting, unique, and different, and Beverly is all of that. The tattoos, the bald head (and hopefully a sax and/bagpipes next week), all of it make for coolness.

Well, good luck contestants! It's time for America to pick the best of the worst. And the winner is announced next week. That's way too early (just another reason why American Idol is better).

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Voice: Let's Judge the Suck Factor of the Semi-Finals

Time for The Voice and Distracting Theatrics. It's the semi-finals, and it's about to get real. Stay tuned!

Christina's hair resembles a trashy Marie Antoinette tonight (seriously, crimped and pink stripes?). How fantastic.
Also, CeeLo is wearing TWO giant, bedazzled watches. Why two? In case one time happens to be a little off?
Does anyone else realize how The Voice never brags about the tons of votes (or lack thereof) they receive? That can't be good.

CeeLo's New Team: (If the Thompson Sisters get picked to stay, I'm throwing in the towel.)
-Vicci Martinez (America's save - Excellent job, America. Despite the suck factor of this show, you picked a relatively talented vocalist.)
-Nakia (CeeLo's choice - After about 10 minutes of intense deliberation and consulting both watches, he picked the Resident Caveman. He was right though, I do agree with this decision.)

Adam's New Team: (First, if Devin is picked I may or may not pitch a fit. Second, Adam is hot. That's all I have to say about that. How about a picture of this hottie?)
50% of our audience tunes in just to see my gorgeous face.
-Javier Colon (America's save - Nice job once again, America. Although this guy thinks children's lullabies could be about dead people, he has a semi-decent voice.)
-Casey Weston (Adam's choice - Look, Adam, I gotta thank you for not picking Devin, the singer worse than me, or Jeff, the Bieber Fish. But Casey is annoying, and she copied Taylor Swift's heart thing just now. New nickname, Taylor Swift Wannabe.)

Now it's time for the great music and distracting theatrics! Only of the previous assertions is true (hint: not the great music part).

Frenchie Davis
This bald, lovely lady will be singing "Like a Prayer." I think Frenchie belongs in church with Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk.
Wow this isn't very good at the beginning. Her vocals sound off and forced, and it's not at all what it should sound like. Also, the supposed church singers aren't dancing like they would in church. So, Frenchie stepped it up at the end of the song (but not soon enough for me to enjoy this song). All in all, this was a very annoying performance. Christina tried way too hard to combine church and dance music and the result was chaos.
The judges all seem to love Miss Frenchie Davis. I'm indifferent. Oh, Christina complimented Frenchie's lungs (boobs?).
Overall Grade: C

Nakia aka Resident Caveman
Who is apparently a diva. He was being fanned backstage. That would never happen on American Idol.
He will be performing "What Do You Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert. Hey, guess who realized that the way to make The Voice better was by adding some Idol into it? CeeLo. Congrats, man.
He has taken to the piano, which is always a good sign. After the beginning of this song, The Resident Caveman really kicked it into gear (he even kicked over the piano chair, which I was going to suggest before he did it). Here's my issue with Nakia: he isn't very consistent within a song. He has strong moments (such as the chorus), but he lost my interest during the verses because the vocal strength just wasn't there. I was expecting more oomph. Still pretty good, though.
Whoa, Adam! Nakia sang it better than "the original artist"? I don't think so, Mister. Adam Lambert is kick ass. Then Blake Shelton also insulted Lambert by saying it was like an award show performance, but on tune. (What a jerk.)
Overall Grade: C

Dia Frampton
Fun factoid about Miss Dia: She and her sister have a band called Meg & Dia. I checked them out, and they're not that great (despite Dia's wonderful voice), but you might like them.
She's singing "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. Love this song! Wow Dia is truly an artist, reminiscent of James' and Paul's directing abilities (it comes from being awesome).
Wow this is haunting already. Seriously, I dig Dia's originality, but it's genuine. Her voice is beautiful and I love the clapping thing (although I'm pretty sure that's in the original too). Also, Dia started rocking out while playing the guitar, which I love. This girl is rad! She can rock out while still being a cute, innocent singer. Way to go. Still, she's a bit too modest. Own your talent!
Christina expressed some jealousy of Dia's awesomeness. She's probably pissed she didn't pick Dia.
Overall Grade: B+ Yep! Can you believe it? I liked this song, and Dia has shown she's really an artist.

Side Bar: Some people have complained about the American Idol judges being softies, but I'm convinced these guys are worse. Seriously. There are no mentions of pitchiness and no boos from the audience (which I'm convinced is necessary).

Casey Weston aka Taylor Swift Wannabe
I wish I were Taylor Swift. And that my voice would mature past age 5.
This girl with an annoyingly high voice (that makes her sound like a 5 year old) will be singing "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston.
Ugh it's way too shaky. I hate it already, stop being nervous! It sounds like Casey is singing into a fan (which I used to find funny as a kid, but now it's just stupid). Another annoying part: They are trying to make her the Lauren Alaina of The Voice. She's sickeningly sweet, and she always wears cowboy boots with prom dresses (stupid).
So, Blake pretty much implied he would dump his wife for this hot, recent high school grad. That's a problem. Casey's gots to go.
Overall Grade: D+

Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguliera
They'll be singing "Moves Like Jagger." Quite frankly, the title alone annoys me already. I really like Maroon 5, but Christina has gotten on my nerves more than usual since I started watching this dumb show.
Adam doesn't sound as good as he usually does, but what can you do (except complain)? I'm pretty sure he's singing about having sex with a girl, like Mick Jagger has sex... How does he know what that's like? But seriously, this song is quite terrible. Then Christina and her trashy Marie Antoinette hair came onstage...and it got even worse. I can easily and gladly go the rest of my life without hearing this song again.
PS - Is Christina pregnant? Or does she just have a little bit of a belly...?
PPS - My dad and I have had many discussions about Maroon 5, and we're convinced they can and will never top their first album (which was spectacular). How unfortunate. But they'll keep trying anyway, with terrible songs about Mick Jagger.

Side Bar: Try outs for the next season of The Voice start now! I'm going to try out with my banjo (I'm teaching myself to play right now). If Devin Barley can make it with his horribly horrible voice, I can make it with my marginally better voice.

Beverly McClellan
Christina picked for her to sing "The Thrill is Gone." I want to hear bagpipes and/or a saxophone. Preferably both, but I'm lenient. Hey Christina, Beverly is the contestant, not you (get off the damn mic)!
I like this lady. She is unique and her voice captures your attention. Plus, there's an orchestra and red piano (which makes up for the lack of sax and bagpipes). Beverly is an artist, and it is apparent she really loves music. Also, she's one of the only contestants that is consistent, within a song. She reminds me of a female James Durbin! And that is the highest compliment I can give.
The judges love this quirky artist. She's pretty kick ass.
Overall Grade: B+ I know, I know, what? Two B+s in one night? I guess I'm feeling nice.

Javier Colon
He'll be singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. I think he could pull this off.
Javier has a great voice, but there is a problem: his baseball cap. That thing needs to go when he's onstage. He listened to me, it's gone now (but now he looks older, to be honest... Put it back on).
Anyway, the vocals were good too. I'm verging on sleep (it's late, and I had a long day at the, uh, office), so I'm not fully aware of what's happening on the show. But the ending of this song was beautiful. Javier sings with tons of emotion in his voice. Awesome.
The judges are more excited about Javier taking off his hat than his actual vocals. Because that's the important thing to talk about. Then CeeLo dropped names (Chris and Gwyneth). Adam mocked him and said, "Hi I'm CeeLo and I know celebrities." Classic.
Overall Grade: B

I'm skipping through Blake Shelton. But first, there are two special guests which I will guess: Miranda Lambert and CeeLo.
Dammit I was wrong. The special guests are Dia and Xenia. This song is ridiculous, it belongs in a children's cartoon (this is country gone bad).

Xenia (this name should not be pronounced the way it is, because the spelling gets me all confused)
This is my prison-esque dress.
She's performing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. Ooh, I want someone to attempt to sing Mumford & Sons (and then crash and burn, and Marcus and Winston somehow appear onstage and it turns into a full-fledged concert. Well, a girl can dream...).
I did not realize how good this girl's voice is. I'm going to give her Best Performance of the Night and be done with. (Minus that one awkward note, this was as flawless as a 16 year old singer can get.) Her tone is stunning, and so bluesy. Gotta love it. She needed a saxophone.
The judges adored her. And I sense a hint of jealousy in the other judges' voices. Xenia could (and probably will) win this thing.
Overall Grade: A- Sheesh, I am way too nice tonight!

Vicci Martinez
"Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. Love this song! Guess what? Florence + The Machine are on The Colbert Report tonight. I should be watching that right now...
Her hair is way too high. This is my least favorite of Vicci's performances, and, to be quite honest, her voice is kind of annoying in this song. But I did think the drum thing was pretty cool (despite how much I hate the over-the-top theatrics of this show). Not a fan tonight.
Adam liked her hair? You crazy, boy. Blake called this the most powerful of the night, but I think it was the most psycho performance of the night (okay, that might be a bit much).
Overall Grade: C

So, the voting is weird. I don't feel like explaining it, because your brain might explode. But pretty much America AND the judges decide who moves on (how American Idol should be, to prevent James Durbin from not winning).
Until next time (tomorrow)!

PS - The producers of The Voice need to turn off the damn fans. They're inside, their hair isn't really going to move like that. Thanks.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Bachelorette: In Chiang Mai, A Very Romantic City?

The Bachelorette!! Excitement.
But seriously, I know you guys love the recaps, so I'm watching this show for you (I am that awesome). So let's get started with this scripted madness.

Will you accept this...apology for me being really annoying?
So, this episode starts off with the Bachelors heading to Chiang Mai, Thailand. You know what I love about this show? How real it is. When I eventually start to date and fall in love with someone, I plan on traveling to at least 5 different countries within a 3 week period. Right after we meet. (Are my expectations too high?)

According to Ames, Chiang Mai is famous for being romantic, what with all the monks and temples. Yep. Nothing screams romance like Buddhism.
JP agrees with him, "If you can't find romance in this kind of environment, you're hopeless." Awesome.

Last week Bentley left, and I'm really upset I missed that. Let me just repeat myself: He was a tool. Ashley was beyond stupid for even thinking he was genuine. (Also, he was dumb. His daughter was named after a blanket, Cozy?!)

One-on-One Date
Ben F. was picked for the coveted date in Chiang Mai. To remind everyone, he is my Chosen One as the winner of this show.
I am the chosen one. By Rachel and possibly the producers.
But, Ashley has her doubts (or, at least, doubts the producers told her to have).
So first, they'll "experience real life" as Ashley said, by going to a street market. After, they went to this beautiful, old temple (which I don't think they fully appreciated). But they couldn't kiss there! It's sacrilegious. But Ashley was tempting him to kiss her. Tease.
Now it's time for dinner and making out (after an outfit change, of course). Wow this place is stunning, with tons of flowers and candles intricately set up. But the question is, "Who does this? On a real first date?" My mom said, "Uh, your dad did." Liar.
So, Ben is a wine maker, and Ashley is ready to join him on the vineyard to stomp some grapes (that's what I assume wine makers do). After some intense soul searching and comparing agendas, Ashley gave Ben a rose. Oh, and then some belly dancers holding candles came out! I wonder if this happened on my parents first date, too?

Group Date
The guys: Constantine, Yale (Ames), Nick, Blake, Lucas, Mr. Sunshine (Ryan P.), JP, and Mickey Mouse.
The guys are going to be duking it out for Ashley. Literally. They will be attempting to kill or seriously injure one another in order to win the rose and Ashley's heart. Things like this happen to me all the time (okay, I may have over exaggerated the killing part).
Ames is the only one who is about to wuss out on this fighting practice. Use your muscles, Yale!
Does anyone else find it ridiculous that all of these guys are ripped? In real life, if she picked a random group of 10 guys, maybe 3 of them would have abs like this group (I can't help but wonder if that is part of the application process).
Here are the duels (winner in bold).
Blake vs. Lucas
•Mickey Mouse vs. JP (He's ready to take a beating like a man. Awesome. His new nickname is "The Jew from Long Island." Said it himself.)
•Yale vs. Mr. Sunshine (These guys are terrible fighters. Especially Ames. He's all messed up.)
•Nick vs. Constantine
So, this was obviously the worst idea the producers have ever had for a date, ever. Why the eff would they risk someone getting hurt? That could be a legal huge issue.
Ugh this group date is getting on my nerves. I can't watch this because these guys are ridiculous. But wait! Yale shows up! Turns out, Ames just had a mild concussion and was "totally in love" (what a wuss). Can't damage that Triple Ivy Leaguer brain, can ya?
Rose Winner: Blake

Two-on-One Date
Ben C. and William (Squilliam) are going with Ashley to the Elephant Life Experience. I may or may not be jealous about the elephant part.
As Squilliam says, "It's two dudes, one girl. It's awkward." Um, is he still talking about the date? Now he's throwing Ben C. under the bus about looking at dating websites (but I kind of feel like he's lying). Ashley is about to lose it! I hope she has a breakdown.
Ashley is about to send home one unfortunate fella: Ben C. Now he's going to fly back home to America. Chiang Mai isn't all that romantic for some, eh?
Now it's a one-on-one date. Nice job, Squilliam. Another outfit change and it's time for another ridiculously romantic dinner! I want to skip through all this cheesy crap (so I will).
Long story short: Ashley loved the first date, but this one sucked. Squilliam is pissed that he lost the spark.
Rose Winner: No one.
Both Squilliam (or, as he called himself, "the world's biggest effing asshole") and Ben C. were sent home.
Apparently, the guys didn't like William either because Ryan practically kicked his suitcase out of the house.

Rose Ceremony
I skipped through all the crap again (I know how it goes). Ashley talks to all the guys, really stupid moments. Then she talks to Chris Harrison, host/therapist, about her decision. Good thing he's there, or else Ashley would never be able to decide!
"Gentleman, good evening. Six roses to hand out, one of you will be executed tonight." Wow, tough elimination process. Then, after five roses are given out, Chris' famous line that I know so well by now, "Ashley, gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." (Chris is the only reason I watch this show.)
 Does anyone ever wonder what would happen if Ashley asks, "Will you accept this rose?" and the dude says, "No." What then? If I ever go on the show (which I won't) I will say this.
Leaving Us Tonight.....Nick aka Matthew McConaughey

That's all, folks! Tune in next week for more laughable moments (?) in Hong Kong. This is another place I'll add to my list of places for my future boyfriend of 3 weeks to take me. Hopefully Paul McDonald is taking notes.
Peace out.

Miss USA, Glee, and Other Random Stuff You Don't Care to Know But Will Read About Anyway

Miss USA
Last night was the Miss USA Pageant. I've always said that there is nothing more patriotic than skinny woman prancing around a stage in bikinis while answering questions to try and sound smart. Ah, America. Here's the winner:
My self-worth is dependent on this crown!
Congratulations, Alyssa Campanella. You've made it.
Now, here's the girl who should have won, Blair Griffiths. She is from Denver, Colorado (represent) and is homeless (yes, homeless).
Oh well. I guess the Miss USA pageant and Donald Trump are heartless and don't care about helping those who are deserving and in need. Oh, wait... (that sounds about right)

Whenever I say that, I hear the way they say it on the show in my head. It is quite amusing.
Unfortunate news for you Glee fans out there (which includes me, sometimes): The current cast is graduating in 2012. Yes, that's right. This is last year you will see Rachel, Quinn, Finn, Puck, Brittany, and Trouty Mouth! To be quite honest, I am beyond relieved that Quinn and her annoying voice and facial expressions will be out of here soon. But Brittany, Finn, and Curt? Who will make dumb comments? Who will I stare at on Glee? And, most importantly, who will I fantasize about being my gay friend (seriously, I wish Curt were real and would be best friend and we'd go shopping together)?

According to Ryan Murphy, this devastating event is happening because...

"The thing that I wanted to do and the cast wanted to do, we didn't want to have a show where they were in high school for eight years. We really wanted it to be true to that experience. We thought it would be really cool if we were true to the timeline."
No, Mr. Murphy, that is NOT cool. Who doesn't want to stay in high school for eight years? Wait, no one does... The plus side is Matthew Morrison and Jane Lynch are staying on the show (I pretty much only watch this show for Lynch's hilarious quips).
Artie can walk?!
50 Cent
The rapper. Big news from this talented (?) guy. He is writing a novel for teenagers! Guess who will be first in line to buy that book? Not me.
This book will hit stands in January, and is called Playground. It is about bullying, and 50 Cent said...
"I had a strong desire to write Playground because I wanted to explore how a kid becomes a bully. I drew on events from my own childhood and adolescence, but was excited to see the story take on its own life. This book would have been very helpful for me growing up and now that I have a teenage son, it is my goal that this will have a positive influence on all teenagers."
Look, everyone has dealt with bullies and it sucks. But I know how bullies get started (blame it on the home life, for real). And let's be real, I doubt 50 Cent actually wrote the book. Who knows? Maybe he did, but I'm willing to bet 50 cents (gosh I am clever) that there was a ghost writer or two.
Plus, he's been shot! Why doesn't he write a book about how to avoid that?

Amy Winehouse
It's great storage space.
Apparently, she got booed off stage quite a few times recently. Yesterday, in Serbia, she got booed off stage again after coming in late and forgetting the lyrics. Hence, her European tour has been cancelled.
Is any else just shocked that she had a tour? Or that anyone bought tickets to it (this is the most surprising part to me)?