Monday, June 27, 2011

The Bachelorette in Hong Kong

Who's ready for a night full of drama from "The Bachelorette?" Well, buckle up, because it's about to hit ya.

So now they've traveled to Hong Kong (I'll be adding this to my list of Future Places to Visit With Future Suitors). And Ashley is still bitching about Bentley. He was a tool, get over him, you dummy.

Oh, and guess who JUST found out Bentley was at the hotel? Ashley! (But she obviously knew, the producers had to tell her. She's a pretty bad faker.)
And check out Ashley's hotel decor... (Sorry about the quality, I took it with my cell phone.)

I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!
So now Ashley is going to go talk to Mr. Tool Bag, Bentley. I am going to mock this to no end.
They kissed? How stupid. Bentley didn't even want that to happen. And now he's asking for an update about what's happened since he left? Who is this loser? Oh, and he asked "Was it fun at least?" when talking about him leaving... (Does this guy have a brain?)
There was a lot of discussion of dots ("dot dot dot"), and Bentley being a tool. At one point, Ashley said, "I believe in fate. And I don't know why you came in my life." Uh, because the producers picked him. Duh.
Bentley hasn't even given her any explanations for his leaving, and now they have their period (which one are they talking about?). God this guy is the biggest TOOL ever. He could have just called her to talk in circles, but the producers wanted to create more drama by having him fly out to Hong Kong. What a loser (both Bentley and Ashley).

Major Tool.
 One-on-One Date
Lucas will be going on a date with the lovely (?) Ashley. Hopefully he doesn't screw this up.
Again, they go to a street market, where "they're selling things!" Nice observation, Ashley. I love how Ashley always makes these awesome date ideas sound like she came up with them, not that they were planned by the producers.
Now it's time for the serious talks at dinner. Turns out, Lucas was married before. Gasp! (Not like this isn't a common occurance.) According to Lucas, "God has a plan for me." Whatever gets you through the day, dude.
As Ashley ends every one of her words like a question, she offers Lucas the rose (say no! Say no!). And they kissed. Congratulations, guys. Scripted Love is beautiful.

Group Date
Mr. Sunshine (Ryan), Mickey Mouse, Constantine, Ben, Yale (Ames), and Blake will be competing for the affections of Ashley. She is looking especially skanky today with her exposed, overly-tanned stomach.
They'll be racing in teams on dragon boats, while recruiting other people to help them row.
Blue Team: Constantine and Ben
Red Team: Mr. Sunshine and Blake
Black Team: Yale and Mickey Mouse
After a bunch of crap and stuff which I skipped through, The Winners: Black Team. Wow, they won a trophy, they probably feel so good about themselves (that's what I pride myself on, rowing boats).
So after all the mingling and small talk, let's just skip to...
Who Gets the Rose: Mr. Sunshine. Nice job, you big ray of sunshine.
Hold up! It appears that everyone hates Ryan. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because he's a big ol' cheeseball.

One-on-One Date
JP, "The Jew From Long Island," gets to spend quality (?) time with the lovely (?) Ashley.
They're eating dinner at the Chinese Zodiac Park. Maybe the stars will align for them (gosh, I am clever). Now they're talking about some stupid stuff, and JP talks about proposing. Two months together and than a proposal? Sounds like Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed, to me! (They better run out and get finger tattoos, too.)
Fun Fact: The last thing that made JP cry was his ex. Be a man! Men don't cry, they're not even allowed to have tear ducts!
Then Ashley spilled about Bentley, and she's scared JP will flip out (but he's not a dramatic woman, so he should be able to control himself). I don't think JP cares too much, he was probably just picturing her naked. But he rebounded quickly and seemed like a sensitive guy! How touching.
Oh, and he gets the rose. Obviously.

Cocktail Party
Now it's time for Ashley to tell the rest of the guys about Bentley. She feels liberated after telling JP, aaaand, cue the cheesy, heroic music (the music on this show is laughable).
Whose ready for a bunch of grown men to freak out like a bunch of teenage girls? I am! So the guys are fuming, because Bentley is a douche who no one should waste their precious time on. Then JP stuck up for her after she left (awesome timing, I know).
Oh, and the guys are still totally pissed. Ashley was just being honest, and the guys were bitching about this ridiculousness. Get over it, dummies! Alas, Mickey Mouse is leaving because he can't get over his huge ego for two seconds to realize the producers love to stir up drama (oh, the trials of being on reality TV).

Rose Ceremony
Those who already have roses: Lucas, Mr. Sunshine, JP.
I have to say mine and Chris' classic line "Ashley, Gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." Seriously, how would anyone know when it was the final rose without Chris Harrison?
Leaving Us Tonight Is.......Blake Looks like he should have left when he had the chance...
The music they played during the Rose Ceremony made it sound like a backdrop to a Kung Fu Movie. I wish I was watching that, instead...
This would have made the show so much more interesting.
 So, after this dramatic episode of The Bachelorette, it's time for me to go wash my eyes out with soap. (This show is terrifying.)

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