The Bachelorette: And the Winner Is...

Okay everybody, let's see who wins! Although I don't think ending up with Ashley necessarily qualifies as "winning".

First Ashley is meeting with her family, including her incredibly tattooed sister (no hate, they're just ridiculous tattoos). I'm sure her family is so happy to have been flown out to Fiji. Free vacation!

JP

He starts out by saying, "I'm just going to be myself," and my mom said, "Really, you're not going to be somebody else?" After about 5 minutes, Ashley's mom invited him into the family. But then Chrystie asked if JP made her laugh, and it seemed it was a no. Also, Chrystie hates JP because he's boring, and that made Ashley cry. (She's obviously upset because her tattooed sister is right.) Then Ashley talked to her sweaty, hot brother Eliot. That poor guy looked like he was about to have a damn heatstroke.
Now Chrystie and JP are going to sit down to talk. She totally accused JP of being boring (which I said from the moment he stepped put of the limo) and old. Chrystie told JP that he's way too old for Ashley and he can't handle her. He is 34 and Ashley is 27, is that really a big deal? Chrystie's tattoos have affected her brain. She's just going to have to deal with it, because Reality Steve has told me JP's going to win.
Then JP went and complained to Ashley, who told him she's easily influenced by other people. That's awesome, she doesn't think for herself. Obviously the producers set up all this drama so it's SHOCKING when JP wins.

Before Ben comes to meet the family, Ashley decided to talk to her sister. Chrystie keeps calling herself rational (although I'm not sure how rational a girl can be when she has that many ridiculous tattoos), and pretty much calling Ashley dumb. Guess what? Chrystie is right, Ashley is dumb. She keeps wanting to hear what she wants to hear, but freaks the eff out whenever Chrystie is honest, which she asked for. This drama is getting ridiculous.

Ben

Let's face it, I'm pretty cool. And Ashley is annoying.

Look, this guy is my favorite, but obviously not Ashley's favorite, for some strange voice. When Ashley accepts JP's proposal, I'll marry Ben (if he doesn't mind a rather big age gap). They did my favorite thing about Ben, where he talks in his "dog voice", it's so hilarious. Seriously, Ben is awesome, she should choose him. I'm now on a search for a guy like Ben, so hopefully this will turn out well.
Chrystie has decided that as Ashley's older sister, it's her responsibility to be a bitch (I don't think this, but Ashley does). It seems that Ben has gotten the Chrystie Stamp of Approval. It seems like Chrystie likes Ben, at least judging by the cheesy music in the background.
It seemed that everything with Ben went well, right? That's what will make the ending even more shocking! Good editing, producers.

I don't feel like reviewing the final dates, but Ashley went on a final date with Ben and JP. (I'm still willing to date Ben, especially after he used the word swimmingly. That's only if me and Winston don't work out.)

After the dates, they show Ben and JP showering or shirtless (absolutely necessary). First up, Ben goes to pick a ring by Neil Lane, and he was pretty cool, as usual. Then JP goes to pick a ring, and he was boring, as usual. I think that the losers should get to keep the ring for future engagements, especially since it will be super expensive.

The Men Propose
Both Ben and JP are arriving on a seaplane, just like how normal engagements happen.
The first man to arrive is Ben.

Poor guy is about to get rejected so badly. He looks rather dashing in his suit, I don't know how Ashley could reject him. Ben totally put his heart out on the table, right before Ashley breaks it. She even let him get down on knee?! And say she would make him the happiest man on earth?! What a bitch... Poor Ben did not see that coming, I actually feel bad for him (even if I do think this show is crap). Ashley chased after Ben as he walked away. He said, "I don't need you to sugarcoat this." Poor guy, I feel bad for Ben. And then they make him take a crappy boat back, rather than the seaplane. He said that JP is a safe choice, and I concur.

Then comes JP, and we already know how this one is going to end, with a ring on Ashley's finger.

Is this really a "win" for me?

What a dumb choice, he is so boring. Chrystie was right, and Ashley should have listened. Look, I don't need to watch all of this sappy crap. I know it's going to be so cheesy and ridiculous. So my mom made me watch this (thanks a lot), and JP made himself out to be such a romantic. I hate this. I think it's ridiculous how all of these proposals are so heartfelt and "let's be together forever," but that just doesn't happen on this show.
To clarify, The Winner: JP

I'm just going to combine the finale with After the Final Rose.

First they brought out Ben, who everyone loves (of course). Chris decided to show Ben the clip of when Ashley denied his proposal. What a pleasant reminder of a great day. As Chris said, that was one of the most genuine responses ever. Probably because it was one of the few scripted/guided moments of the show. Ben mentioned that he left Fiji, and went to his best friend's wedding. That must have been fun for him.
Now they're pulling Ashley onstage to hopefully make Ben feel somewhat better about what happened. When she came out, Ben said, "Nice ring." Classic. Then Ashley told him that he was her first choice, but then she changed her mind. Ben also said that he wanted to leave with some dignity (after Ashley let him get down on one knee, and then rejected him). Then he said that he's ready to find love. Is that a hint about him being the next Bachelor? I hope not...

Now they're bringing JP out with Ashley, so that we can see the happy couple. How adorable, right? Ashley said that he makes her feel complete, then they kissed a bunch of times.
Chris brought Chrystie onto the stage to explain why she hated JP (because he's boring). I didn't think it needed much explaining. But she apologized, after the show made a whole big deal of the drama.

Ashley announced that she is moving to NYC with JP. They haven't booked a wedding yet (meaning it won't happen), and Chris warned them that they'll probably fail like everyone else. They're also being sent back to Fiji. Hooray.

That's it. It's finally over! I will not be watching Bachelor Pad, because that show is even worse. Next season, I'll be back for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Okay everyone, it's time for The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All. Yipee.

They started out with a clip of Chris and Ashley talking about a bunch of random crap. From the Masked Menace to Mr. Sunshine, they covered all of the subjects of the show. But the most discussed topic was Bentley (apparently he's controversial). Ashley wanted to let people know that she saw a great side of him, even though his ex-wife contacted her and said Bentley is a douche bag. I'm shocked at how dumb Ashley was about that.

After the commercial break, Chris and Ashley discussed the unseen moments. This was easily the best part of the whole season. They showed Mickey Mouse being a wine goddess in Vegas (someone who fetches the wine, hanging on a harness and rope). He put the harness on and said "my manhood is in my stomach." Classic moment. Holy crap!!!! The producers of The Bachelorette must have read my blog, because they noticed the penis shaped decor in her hotel room. That was a great moment, and I think it calls for another view of that picture, along with my genius caption.

I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!

I'm going to comment on all of the dumb stuff. Just so you guys know.

Important Observation: The Masked Menace is not very attractive without his mask. He should just keep that on.
Also, they showed Squilliam imitating George W. Bush, it was hilarious. Even if he does act like a catty girl at times. Oh my lord... When all of these guys are talking (or rather bitching) about William, they sound like the jealous women on the Bachelor. They need to chill out.
All the guys trashed on Mr. Sunshine, and they compared him to a camp counselor. I don't see an issue with that comparison.

Poor Squilliam, he's about to be completely ripped into by the guys. While watching the clips of his "comedy," he plugged his ears (from embarrassment). Then he made a "funny and self-depricating" comment that made everyone left, even me. Some guy said, "So why are we here?" Then William said, "Because none of us can find a girl to date." Classic moment.

He really effed this one up, huh?

Next up, Ryan P., Mr. Sunshine, was pulled into the hotseat. It's gonna get intense. Hmm... I wonder why Ryan was sent home? Oh, I know, maybe because he talked about water heaters on a date! The last time I did that, I was totally denied. Lesson learned. Oh, Mr. Sunshine also bought a bunch of books that he read before going on the show. (As West said, "So you're saying this was like a math test?" That was great. PS: After hearing hisn name I fell in love with it, so one day I might have a child named West. Wait and see!) I now don't like Ryan. He's rather annoying.

Chris Harrison reminded Ames how he not only failed at a fight, but also failed at getting Ashley. How kind. Ames discussed how he wanted to take things slow (dumb, this show takes place in the matter of a month or something) and he thought Ashley was perfect, so he was shocked when he went home. Luckily, he's a better person for it. Phew, that means that he'll truly understand love when he joins the cast of The Bachelor Pad 2 (another quality show).

I look like a well-educated Ken doll.

"Let's talk about Bentley." Cue the boos. Oh, America, you've fed right into the producers' trap of hating this man. That is the only reason he's on the show, so everyone has someone to hate. All of the guys bashed on Bentley too, which is so strange since he was such a sweet, honest man! The best part about him is that he named his daughter Cozy (I wouldn't trust somebody who did that).
Then Chris pulled up Michelle, the one who warned Ashley about the douche baggery of Bentley. I think it's so dumb that she even trusted him. Seriously, Ashley is the dumbest bachelorette ever.

Okay, so then Ashley came out onstage, noticeably without an engagement ring (ooh, drama). Why does this show still continue when only ONE couple has ever stayed married, never mind engaged??
Now the guys are asking Ashley dumb questions, or making her feel like shit. Look, it's not her fault, the producers determined almost everything. Mr. Sunshine cheesed it up by thanking Ashley for being awesome (even though she isn't).

I'm so ready for this show to be over... But then, to make it worse, they've invited back 2 of the 3 most annoying bachelors/bachelorettes ever (Ali and DeAnna, just so it's clear), and they all look ridiculously tan and orange. Is Ali still engaged? I'm not really sure. I hate DeAnna, literally hate that girl. She is so annoying, and she "broke the heart" of Jesse who is from my home state, so naturally I sided with him. Observation: it appeared that Jason had on a wedding ring. Oh wait, he's married to Molly?! Say what?
Those are the only important things that happened. Everything else was stupid advice they were giving Ashley, and trying to make her seem better than she is (we all know how annoying she is, come on).

Here comes my absolute favorite part of the entire season: the funny moments we didn't see (the best ever will still be from Jillian's season). Also, it turns out that Ashley is a lot funnier than they made her out to be on the show. I love bloopers, on any show.

That's all, folks. Tomorrow night will be the season finale, and I can't wait (because I'll finally be able to stop watching this!), so tune in to my blog.

The Bachelorette: Drama and Fantasy Suites in Fiji

It's time, once again, for The Bachelorette. We are getting one step closer to learning who will win (although I wouldn't consider being with Ashley a "win"), which means it's time for the fantasy suites. Basically, this is the episode where Ashley has sex with three different guys in the matter of a few nights. That is the foundation of a great relationship.

This episode will not only contain "fantasy suites," but it will also have tons of drama. Why? Because someone is coming to Fiji to beg Ashley to give them one more chance! I can already tell you it's Ryan, Mr. Sunshine. I hate when the producers bring someone back, it's really stupid.
Anyway, onto the show.
Let me set up this dramatic scene for you. Ashley is told by the producers, "Okay, something crazy is going to happen before your date with Ben. So write in your diary and take a few minutes adjusting your earrings and shirt. Then act surprised when there is a knock at the door." That all happens, then Surprise! It's Mr. Sunshine at the door (I would like to thank Reality Steve for informing me of this ahead of time).

Mr. Sunshine "justifies" his coming to Fiji by saying, "What if she's regretting sending me home?" Uh, I doubt it, or else she wouldn't have sent you home. The whole exchange that will happen is going to be ridiculous, so I'm mostly going to mock everything.
So Mr. Sunshine pretty much told Ashley that he's getting old and desperate and realized she's young and pretty, hence he deserves another chance. Also, Ryan said he called Chris Harrison so he could see Ashley again. Really? I think he means that Chris called him. Ryan is in Fiji for a couple of days and wants Ashley to come see him. Does anyone else find it to be a strange "coincidence" that he came back on the fantasy suites episode? I don't, in fact I'm positive Ryan came back just to sleep with Ashley.

Ben

Someone doesn't look too excited about the fantasy suite...

It's time for Ashley's date with Ben after they last saw each other in California. He is just glad to spend time with her on the water. Oh, and the date is on a huge, fancy boat. No big deal.
God, this episode is always my least favorite (since we get to watch the contestants in their most intimate moments). Including putting sunscreen on. Ashley said, "Do you wanna put it on my back?" Then my mom said, as if she were Ben, "I'd rather put it on your breasts." Then he did! This show is quality television. After the sunscreen ordeal, intense music started to play as they went scuba diving. I love it when I have dramatic background music to moments in my life.
Before Ashley sleeps with Guy #1, they have dinner together at some remote location. How is the food kept warm before delivering it to them? (These are the kinds of things I often ponder.) Anyway, they talk about a bunch of cheesy stuff during dinner, blah blah blah. Then Ben says, "We should say the whole I love you thing." (He's obviously a hopeless romantic.) Oh, and we get to hear every last, unnecessary sound of their kissing. How awesome!
Ben accepts the fantasy suite invite, so it's time for them to get it on. As the audience, we are so lucky because we get to watch everything up until they actually sleep together. They might as well make this god damn show a porno sometimes.

Constantine

Cheers...to me leaving.

Is anyone else still surprised this Greek caveman made it this far? I am! He's always flown under the radar. Speaking of flying, they're going to be riding in a helicopter. Hell yes! Oh my god Ashley is so annoying. "I have a Greek god to the left of me, and the blue water below me." Greek god, really? What is he the god of?
Anyway, they arrived at a waterfall after the helicopter. Ashley and Constantine are going to take "a leap of faith" off of a rocky waterfall. Aaand cue the dramatic orchestra (the music in this show literally kills me). After they swam for awhile, they had a picnic next to the water. Ashley complained about Constantine looking at a bunch of houses and compared it to women. She said, "You think things through. It takes time and effort." Duh! What is the problem she sees in this? Sorry that Constantine enters relationships like most normal people who aren't on a dumb reality tv show.
Time for dinner! Ashley asked if it's weird for Constantine to be dating the same girl as his friend, Ben. I think the way to make this show less weird is to feature only polygamists (although some might think they're weird). Anyway, during dinner Constantine pretty much said that he doesn't want to propose to Ashley. So he probably won't sleep with her that night, to Ashley's dismay.
Oh snap! Constantine decided it was time for him to go since he wasn't ready to be committed to Ashley. He left during dinner and didn't even pay before going, that jerk.

Funniest part of the episode: during Ashley's date with Constantine they flash to Ryan standing alone amongst tons of rocks at the beach. Then they keep showing clips of him alone. Poor Mr. Sunshine.

Ryan aka Mr. Sunshine

I'm super annoying, you're super annoying, we're perfect for each other!

Ashley actually chose to show up at his hotel! She decided to save Ryan from his desperate loneliness (the lonely shots were taken the same day that Ashley showed up, he's wearing the same shirt).
When they were talking, Ashley said she was "distraught" after sending him home (big word for her). She also said, "you're one of the best guys I've ever met, but........I know I made the right choice." She really knows how to let someone down lightly. Ryan has his head in the clouds because he thought he would come back and everything would end perfectly. Really, Ryan? Do you ever watch this show? No one ever ends up with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, even if they do "win."

JP

Let's get engaged for a few weeks.

So JP and Ashley blah blah blah-ed about a bunch of romantic crap before something came speeding toward them on the water. It's a plane. He's going to win. I guessed that Ben would, but Reality Steve has told me otherwise.
They flew on this sea plane and took in the view. I just love how realistic these dates are. I've mentioned my parents' first date before (the one in Taiwan or something), but their second date was on a sea plane in Fiji. They were engaged by the 5th date, and nearly 18 years later they're still together. That's exactly how Ashley and JP will end up! Right....?
JP told Ashley that his family had rave reviews about her. Is she a movie? Ugh I don't want to watch this anymore.
Here's the rest of what happened: they kept talking. And they splashed around the water and such. Then they had dinner and talked about cheesy stuff, because it's good material for TV.
After JP accepted the fantasy suite card, Ashley slept with Guy #2 of the week. Hopefully Ben didn't have an STD, or else all three of them could have it. (As you can probably tell, I find the fantasy suite thing ridiculous, especially since it's mostly all in front of cameras.)

Ashley talked to Chris Harrison, because he's pretty much her therapist. Obviously no one will be going home, because next week is the proposal. Yippee.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley says her "heart is on the line." It is? Because there are two guys left, and the next episode is two guys...
Did anyone see the side boob in Ashley's dress? Because my mom did and pointed it out to me and Potato (PS - that's the nickname for my dad).

Who Goes Home Tonight: Constantine But not by Ashley's doing, he left on his own. Good choice, he got out of there unscathed!

Next week is the engagement episode. Prepare yourselves, America, it's gonna get real (read: scripted). See you then!
Oh, Sunday is The Men Tell All episode. I may or may not watch it, I haven't decided yet.

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

Okay people, tonight is the hometown dates on The Bachelorette. Ashley will be meeting the guys' families, which is always a pivotal point in any serious relationship (even if that isn't the best wording for what goes on in this show). Sorry I missed the recap of last week! I was in Oregon and totally busy, but now I'm back. Let's get this shit over with.

Will you accept this...apology for being super annoying?

I want everyone to know that I've fast forwarded through all this crap.

Constantine

This Greek guy lives in Georgia, even though I expected him to live in Greece, obviously. The first thing Ashley said about why likes Constantine is because "physically, he's everything I'm looking for." (Wow, she sure has her priorities straight.)
Constantine kind of owns/cooks at an Italian restaurant. How fancy. After teaching Ashley how to make a pizza, the waitresses spied on them as they talked. Good plan, producers.
Okay, here's a recap of what happened: Ashley met Constantine's Greek family, then they talked to family members and had dinner. After that about 100 more people came over and they all danced and someone threw money at Ashley (I doubt that this is a regular occurance at his house). Then they talked again.
Here's my favorite thing that Ashley said: "You can see there's a lot of love in this family, and it inspired me." So cheesy.

Ames

Spoiler alert: this awesome picnic doesn't win him a rose.

Apparently he lives on a farm with horses. If Ashley won't marry him (and Winston won't marry me), then I'll marry Ames. Even if he is way too perfect looking.
Holy crap! Guess what I just realized? Ames has a brother named Jim, meaning his full name is James. Brothers named James and Ames?! Their parents must hate them or something...
Then Ashley and Ames' sister, Serena, sat down for a serious talk. Then Ames talked to his mom, then Ashley talked to his mom, then Ames talked to his sister. God, I hate all this bullshit! Seriously, it's all crap and I feel like I pull my hair out watching this.
After the family crap, Ashley and Ames had a picnic on the farm (I really want a farm now). They learned shocking things about each other. Ashley learned that Ames was a bad student in high school and went to boarding school. Ames learned that Ashley is super annoying and leans toward the dumb side. Then they rode on a horse pulled carriage, after Ames said he finds magic in the ordinary. What's ordinary about a carriage ride?!

Ben

Ashley went to his vineyard and remarked, "Everything about him screams sexiness." Well, alrighty then. I'm thinking that Ben is planning on getting Ashley wasted so they can have sex before the "Fantasy Suite" episode (my least favorite episode, even though I hate them all).
It appears that Ben lives in a cabin-like house on a vineyard. I'm willing to bet that there is no electricity or air conditioning. While they're talking about family and blah blah, Ashley keeps bringing up Ben's dead dad (way to rub salt in the wound).
So they had dinner and they talked, and blah blah. And Ben was a total wussy and cried about his dead dad. Get over it!
PS: I still think he is going to win. If I am right, America owes me a lot of money. If I am wrong (and according to Reality Steve, I am), then I will hide in shame.

I've always wondered something about this show: what if some guy's family hated the Bachelorette, but Ashley had no clue and then she gave the rose to the guy, and then he had to say no. I would love to see that happen. Actually, I would love to see someone tell ther son, "Ashley is a dumb bitch. If you propose to her, we will disown you." That would make my day.

JP

Sorry, I didn't realize they were 13 year-old's in the 70's

When Ashley arrived in New York, JP decided to take her to a roller rink. Of all the places to go on a date in New York, JP chose a roller rink. Then he fell down while skating. He's made a fool of himself twice in one day (way to go, loser). After their skating and falling, they sat down for a serious talk. This show is full of serious talks.
Now Ashley is going to have dinner wth JP's family, and I'm not going to pay very much attention. Then more talking occurred. Boring. Everyone expressed some concern over Ashley (but not one of them mentioned how annoying she is).
The best part of this episode was when JP's mom took out this giant picture of him when he was a kid where he looked like he belonged in an '80s TV show. Complete with stupid hair and a bowtie. Classy.

The Broken Heart of Tonight: Ames
Sorry, pal. But maybe if you would just stop being so perfect looking all the time, she would have liked you. Oh, it also probably has something to do with the fact that he is ten times smarter and deeper than Ashley.

The Bachelorette in Hong Kong

Who's ready for a night full of drama from "The Bachelorette?" Well, buckle up, because it's about to hit ya.

So now they've traveled to Hong Kong (I'll be adding this to my list of Future Places to Visit With Future Suitors). And Ashley is still bitching about Bentley. He was a tool, get over him, you dummy.

Oh, and guess who JUST found out Bentley was at the hotel? Ashley! (But she obviously knew, the producers had to tell her. She's a pretty bad faker.)
And check out Ashley's hotel decor... (Sorry about the quality, I took it with my cell phone.)

I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!

So now Ashley is going to go talk to Mr. Tool Bag, Bentley. I am going to mock this to no end.
They kissed? How stupid. Bentley didn't even want that to happen. And now he's asking for an update about what's happened since he left? Who is this loser? Oh, and he asked "Was it fun at least?" when talking about him leaving... (Does this guy have a brain?)
There was a lot of discussion of dots ("dot dot dot"), and Bentley being a tool. At one point, Ashley said, "I believe in fate. And I don't know why you came in my life." Uh, because the producers picked him. Duh.
Bentley hasn't even given her any explanations for his leaving, and now they have their period (which one are they talking about?). God this guy is the biggest TOOL ever. He could have just called her to talk in circles, but the producers wanted to create more drama by having him fly out to Hong Kong. What a loser (both Bentley and Ashley).

Major Tool.

 One-on-One Date
Lucas will be going on a date with the lovely (?) Ashley. Hopefully he doesn't screw this up.
Again, they go to a street market, where "they're selling things!" Nice observation, Ashley. I love how Ashley always makes these awesome date ideas sound like she came up with them, not that they were planned by the producers.
Now it's time for the serious talks at dinner. Turns out, Lucas was married before. Gasp! (Not like this isn't a common occurance.) According to Lucas, "God has a plan for me." Whatever gets you through the day, dude.
As Ashley ends every one of her words like a question, she offers Lucas the rose (say no! Say no!). And they kissed. Congratulations, guys. Scripted Love is beautiful.

Group Date
Mr. Sunshine (Ryan), Mickey Mouse, Constantine, Ben, Yale (Ames), and Blake will be competing for the affections of Ashley. She is looking especially skanky today with her exposed, overly-tanned stomach.
They'll be racing in teams on dragon boats, while recruiting other people to help them row.
Blue Team: Constantine and Ben
Red Team: Mr. Sunshine and Blake
Black Team: Yale and Mickey Mouse
After a bunch of crap and stuff which I skipped through, The Winners: Black Team. Wow, they won a trophy, they probably feel so good about themselves (that's what I pride myself on, rowing boats).
So after all the mingling and small talk, let's just skip to...
Who Gets the Rose: Mr. Sunshine. Nice job, you big ray of sunshine.
Hold up! It appears that everyone hates Ryan. I'm not sure why, but it's probably because he's a big ol' cheeseball.

One-on-One Date
JP, "The Jew From Long Island," gets to spend quality (?) time with the lovely (?) Ashley.
They're eating dinner at the Chinese Zodiac Park. Maybe the stars will align for them (gosh, I am clever). Now they're talking about some stupid stuff, and JP talks about proposing. Two months together and than a proposal? Sounds like Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed, to me! (They better run out and get finger tattoos, too.)
Fun Fact: The last thing that made JP cry was his ex. Be a man! Men don't cry, they're not even allowed to have tear ducts!
Then Ashley spilled about Bentley, and she's scared JP will flip out (but he's not a dramatic woman, so he should be able to control himself). I don't think JP cares too much, he was probably just picturing her naked. But he rebounded quickly and seemed like a sensitive guy! How touching.
Oh, and he gets the rose. Obviously.

Cocktail Party
Now it's time for Ashley to tell the rest of the guys about Bentley. She feels liberated after telling JP, aaaand, cue the cheesy, heroic music (the music on this show is laughable).
Whose ready for a bunch of grown men to freak out like a bunch of teenage girls? I am! So the guys are fuming, because Bentley is a douche who no one should waste their precious time on. Then JP stuck up for her after she left (awesome timing, I know).
Oh, and the guys are still totally pissed. Ashley was just being honest, and the guys were bitching about this ridiculousness. Get over it, dummies! Alas, Mickey Mouse is leaving because he can't get over his huge ego for two seconds to realize the producers love to stir up drama (oh, the trials of being on reality TV).

Rose Ceremony
Those who already have roses: Lucas, Mr. Sunshine, JP.
I have to say mine and Chris' classic line "Ashley, Gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." Seriously, how would anyone know when it was the final rose without Chris Harrison?
Leaving Us Tonight Is.......Blake Looks like he should have left when he had the chance...
The music they played during the Rose Ceremony made it sound like a backdrop to a Kung Fu Movie. I wish I was watching that, instead...

This would have made the show so much more interesting.

 So, after this dramatic episode of The Bachelorette, it's time for me to go wash my eyes out with soap. (This show is terrifying.)
Toodle-oo!

The Bachelorette: In Chiang Mai, A Very Romantic City?

The Bachelorette!! Excitement.
But seriously, I know you guys love the recaps, so I'm watching this show for you (I am that awesome). So let's get started with this scripted madness.

Will you accept this...apology for me being really annoying?

So, this episode starts off with the Bachelors heading to Chiang Mai, Thailand. You know what I love about this show? How real it is. When I eventually start to date and fall in love with someone, I plan on traveling to at least 5 different countries within a 3 week period. Right after we meet. (Are my expectations too high?)

According to Ames, Chiang Mai is famous for being romantic, what with all the monks and temples. Yep. Nothing screams romance like Buddhism.
JP agrees with him, "If you can't find romance in this kind of environment, you're hopeless." Awesome.

Last week Bentley left, and I'm really upset I missed that. Let me just repeat myself: He was a tool. Ashley was beyond stupid for even thinking he was genuine. (Also, he was dumb. His daughter was named after a blanket, Cozy?!)

One-on-One Date
Ben F. was picked for the coveted date in Chiang Mai. To remind everyone, he is my Chosen One as the winner of this show.

I am the chosen one. By Rachel and possibly the producers.

But, Ashley has her doubts (or, at least, doubts the producers told her to have).
So first, they'll "experience real life" as Ashley said, by going to a street market. After, they went to this beautiful, old temple (which I don't think they fully appreciated). But they couldn't kiss there! It's sacrilegious. But Ashley was tempting him to kiss her. Tease.
Now it's time for dinner and making out (after an outfit change, of course). Wow this place is stunning, with tons of flowers and candles intricately set up. But the question is, "Who does this? On a real first date?" My mom said, "Uh, your dad did." Liar.
So, Ben is a wine maker, and Ashley is ready to join him on the vineyard to stomp some grapes (that's what I assume wine makers do). After some intense soul searching and comparing agendas, Ashley gave Ben a rose. Oh, and then some belly dancers holding candles came out! I wonder if this happened on my parents first date, too?

Group Date
The guys: Constantine, Yale (Ames), Nick, Blake, Lucas, Mr. Sunshine (Ryan P.), JP, and Mickey Mouse.
The guys are going to be duking it out for Ashley. Literally. They will be attempting to kill or seriously injure one another in order to win the rose and Ashley's heart. Things like this happen to me all the time (okay, I may have over exaggerated the killing part).
Ames is the only one who is about to wuss out on this fighting practice. Use your muscles, Yale!
Does anyone else find it ridiculous that all of these guys are ripped? In real life, if she picked a random group of 10 guys, maybe 3 of them would have abs like this group (I can't help but wonder if that is part of the application process).
Here are the duels (winner in bold).
•Blake vs. Lucas
•Mickey Mouse vs. JP (He's ready to take a beating like a man. Awesome. His new nickname is "The Jew from Long Island." Said it himself.)
•Yale vs. Mr. Sunshine (These guys are terrible fighters. Especially Ames. He's all messed up.)
•Nick vs. Constantine
So, this was obviously the worst idea the producers have ever had for a date, ever. Why the eff would they risk someone getting hurt? That could be a legal huge issue.
Ugh this group date is getting on my nerves. I can't watch this because these guys are ridiculous. But wait! Yale shows up! Turns out, Ames just had a mild concussion and was "totally in love" (what a wuss). Can't damage that Triple Ivy Leaguer brain, can ya?
Rose Winner: Blake

Two-on-One Date
Ben C. and William (Squilliam) are going with Ashley to the Elephant Life Experience. I may or may not be jealous about the elephant part.
As Squilliam says, "It's two dudes, one girl. It's awkward." Um, is he still talking about the date? Now he's throwing Ben C. under the bus about looking at dating websites (but I kind of feel like he's lying). Ashley is about to lose it! I hope she has a breakdown.
Ashley is about to send home one unfortunate fella: Ben C. Now he's going to fly back home to America. Chiang Mai isn't all that romantic for some, eh?
Now it's a one-on-one date. Nice job, Squilliam. Another outfit change and it's time for another ridiculously romantic dinner! I want to skip through all this cheesy crap (so I will).
Long story short: Ashley loved the first date, but this one sucked. Squilliam is pissed that he lost the spark.
Rose Winner: No one.
Both Squilliam (or, as he called himself, "the world's biggest effing asshole") and Ben C. were sent home.
Apparently, the guys didn't like William either because Ryan practically kicked his suitcase out of the house.

Rose Ceremony
I skipped through all the crap again (I know how it goes). Ashley talks to all the guys, really stupid moments. Then she talks to Chris Harrison, host/therapist, about her decision. Good thing he's there, or else Ashley would never be able to decide!
"Gentleman, good evening. Six roses to hand out, one of you will be executed tonight." Wow, tough elimination process. Then, after five roses are given out, Chris' famous line that I know so well by now, "Ashley, gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." (Chris is the only reason I watch this show.)

 Does anyone ever wonder what would happen if Ashley asks, "Will you accept this rose?" and the dude says, "No." What then? If I ever go on the show (which I won't) I will say this.
Leaving Us Tonight.....Nick aka Matthew McConaughey

That's all, folks! Tune in next week for more laughable moments of...love (?) in Hong Kong. This is another place I'll add to my list of places for my future boyfriend of 3 weeks to take me. Hopefully Paul McDonald is taking notes.
Peace out.

The Bachelorette: The Highlights

Sorry I missed The Bachelorette last night (trust me, I'm just devastated). But I did catch up on what happened last night and I share my thoughts.

First, Bentley confirmed my assumption of his toolishness. He repeated a bunch of times last night, "She's just not my type." So, why are you on the show? He also mentioned that he would hate to plan a wedding with her, and that when he kissed her it was alright, but the end sucked (he seems rather charming, doesn't he?).
Here's a picture of this major tool bag.

I'm a tool.

Looking at him, it is obvious to me that he's a jerk. Clearly Ashley doesn't have an ability to detect jerks, because he's still around. Check out something she said about him last night.

"I have a pretty good radar in terms of somebody who's not being sincere, and I'm seeing such sincerity in him."

Really? You saw sincerity in him? Where? Because it is quite obvious to everyone else that he is only there to promote himself and his baby/blanket, Cozy (this still gets my nomination for worst name ever). Also, Ashley was warned by Bentley's ex-wife that he was there for the wrong reasons, yet she was dumb enough to keep him around.

Ashley was also dumb enough to keep The Phantom around for another week. Yipee.

If I have to, I will marry you in this mask.

So there you go. This show gets me every time. Seeing people fall in love in a course of 6 weeks gives me hope for my future - hopefully one day I, too, can be the Bachelorette and deal with tools like Bentley and The Phantom.