The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

Okay people, tonight is the hometown dates on The Bachelorette. Ashley will be meeting the guys' families, which is always a pivotal point in any serious relationship (even if that isn't the best wording for what goes on in this show). Sorry I missed the recap of last week! I was in Oregon and totally busy, but now I'm back. Let's get this shit over with.

Will you accept this...apology for being super annoying?

I want everyone to know that I've fast forwarded through all this crap.

Constantine

This Greek guy lives in Georgia, even though I expected him to live in Greece, obviously. The first thing Ashley said about why likes Constantine is because "physically, he's everything I'm looking for." (Wow, she sure has her priorities straight.)
Constantine kind of owns/cooks at an Italian restaurant. How fancy. After teaching Ashley how to make a pizza, the waitresses spied on them as they talked. Good plan, producers.
Okay, here's a recap of what happened: Ashley met Constantine's Greek family, then they talked to family members and had dinner. After that about 100 more people came over and they all danced and someone threw money at Ashley (I doubt that this is a regular occurance at his house). Then they talked again.
Here's my favorite thing that Ashley said: "You can see there's a lot of love in this family, and it inspired me." So cheesy.

Ames

Spoiler alert: this awesome picnic doesn't win him a rose.

Apparently he lives on a farm with horses. If Ashley won't marry him (and Winston won't marry me), then I'll marry Ames. Even if he is way too perfect looking.
Holy crap! Guess what I just realized? Ames has a brother named Jim, meaning his full name is James. Brothers named James and Ames?! Their parents must hate them or something...
Then Ashley and Ames' sister, Serena, sat down for a serious talk. Then Ames talked to his mom, then Ashley talked to his mom, then Ames talked to his sister. God, I hate all this bullshit! Seriously, it's all crap and I feel like I pull my hair out watching this.
After the family crap, Ashley and Ames had a picnic on the farm (I really want a farm now). They learned shocking things about each other. Ashley learned that Ames was a bad student in high school and went to boarding school. Ames learned that Ashley is super annoying and leans toward the dumb side. Then they rode on a horse pulled carriage, after Ames said he finds magic in the ordinary. What's ordinary about a carriage ride?!

Ben

Ashley went to his vineyard and remarked, "Everything about him screams sexiness." Well, alrighty then. I'm thinking that Ben is planning on getting Ashley wasted so they can have sex before the "Fantasy Suite" episode (my least favorite episode, even though I hate them all).
It appears that Ben lives in a cabin-like house on a vineyard. I'm willing to bet that there is no electricity or air conditioning. While they're talking about family and blah blah, Ashley keeps bringing up Ben's dead dad (way to rub salt in the wound).
So they had dinner and they talked, and blah blah. And Ben was a total wussy and cried about his dead dad. Get over it!
PS: I still think he is going to win. If I am right, America owes me a lot of money. If I am wrong (and according to Reality Steve, I am), then I will hide in shame.

I've always wondered something about this show: what if some guy's family hated the Bachelorette, but Ashley had no clue and then she gave the rose to the guy, and then he had to say no. I would love to see that happen. Actually, I would love to see someone tell ther son, "Ashley is a dumb bitch. If you propose to her, we will disown you." That would make my day.

JP

Sorry, I didn't realize they were 13 year-old's in the 70's

When Ashley arrived in New York, JP decided to take her to a roller rink. Of all the places to go on a date in New York, JP chose a roller rink. Then he fell down while skating. He's made a fool of himself twice in one day (way to go, loser). After their skating and falling, they sat down for a serious talk. This show is full of serious talks.
Now Ashley is going to have dinner wth JP's family, and I'm not going to pay very much attention. Then more talking occurred. Boring. Everyone expressed some concern over Ashley (but not one of them mentioned how annoying she is).
The best part of this episode was when JP's mom took out this giant picture of him when he was a kid where he looked like he belonged in an '80s TV show. Complete with stupid hair and a bowtie. Classy.

The Broken Heart of Tonight: Ames
Sorry, pal. But maybe if you would just stop being so perfect looking all the time, she would have liked you. Oh, it also probably has something to do with the fact that he is ten times smarter and deeper than Ashley.