Monday, July 25, 2011

The Bachelorette: Drama and Fantasy Suites in Fiji

It's time, once again, for The Bachelorette. We are getting one step closer to learning who will win (although I wouldn't consider being with Ashley a "win"), which means it's time for the fantasy suites. Basically, this is the episode where Ashley has sex with three different guys in the matter of a few nights. That is the foundation of a great relationship.

This episode will not only contain "fantasy suites," but it will also have tons of drama. Why? Because someone is coming to Fiji to beg Ashley to give them one more chance! I can already tell you it's Ryan, Mr. Sunshine. I hate when the producers bring someone back, it's really stupid.
Anyway, onto the show.
Let me set up this dramatic scene for you. Ashley is told by the producers, "Okay, something crazy is going to happen before your date with Ben. So write in your diary and take a few minutes adjusting your earrings and shirt. Then act surprised when there is a knock at the door." That all happens, then Surprise! It's Mr. Sunshine at the door (I would like to thank Reality Steve for informing me of this ahead of time).

Mr. Sunshine "justifies" his coming to Fiji by saying, "What if she's regretting sending me home?" Uh, I doubt it, or else she wouldn't have sent you home. The whole exchange that will happen is going to be ridiculous, so I'm mostly going to mock everything.
So Mr. Sunshine pretty much told Ashley that he's getting old and desperate and realized she's young and pretty, hence he deserves another chance. Also, Ryan said he called Chris Harrison so he could see Ashley again. Really? I think he means that Chris called him. Ryan is in Fiji for a couple of days and wants Ashley to come see him. Does anyone else find it to be a strange "coincidence" that he came back on the fantasy suites episode? I don't, in fact I'm positive Ryan came back just to sleep with Ashley.

Someone doesn't look too excited about the fantasy suite...
It's time for Ashley's date with Ben after they last saw each other in California. He is just glad to spend time with her on the water. Oh, and the date is on a huge, fancy boat. No big deal.
God, this episode is always my least favorite (since we get to watch the contestants in their most intimate moments). Including putting sunscreen on. Ashley said, "Do you wanna put it on my back?" Then my mom said, as if she were Ben, "I'd rather put it on your breasts." Then he did! This show is quality television. After the sunscreen ordeal, intense music started to play as they went scuba diving. I love it when I have dramatic background music to moments in my life.
Before Ashley sleeps with Guy #1, they have dinner together at some remote location. How is the food kept warm before delivering it to them? (These are the kinds of things I often ponder.) Anyway, they talk about a bunch of cheesy stuff during dinner, blah blah blah. Then Ben says, "We should say the whole I love you thing." (He's obviously a hopeless romantic.) Oh, and we get to hear every last, unnecessary sound of their kissing. How awesome!
Ben accepts the fantasy suite invite, so it's time for them to get it on. As the audience, we are so lucky because we get to watch everything up until they actually sleep together. They might as well make this god damn show a porno sometimes.

Constantine me leaving.
Is anyone else still surprised this Greek caveman made it this far? I am! He's always flown under the radar. Speaking of flying, they're going to be riding in a helicopter. Hell yes! Oh my god Ashley is so annoying. "I have a Greek god to the left of me, and the blue water below me." Greek god, really? What is he the god of?
Anyway, they arrived at a waterfall after the helicopter. Ashley and Constantine are going to take "a leap of faith" off of a rocky waterfall. Aaand cue the dramatic orchestra (the music in this show literally kills me). After they swam for awhile, they had a picnic next to the water. Ashley complained about Constantine looking at a bunch of houses and compared it to women. She said, "You think things through. It takes time and effort." Duh! What is the problem she sees in this? Sorry that Constantine enters relationships like most normal people who aren't on a dumb reality tv show.
Time for dinner! Ashley asked if it's weird for Constantine to be dating the same girl as his friend, Ben. I think the way to make this show less weird is to feature only polygamists (although some might think they're weird). Anyway, during dinner Constantine pretty much said that he doesn't want to propose to Ashley. So he probably won't sleep with her that night, to Ashley's dismay.
Oh snap! Constantine decided it was time for him to go since he wasn't ready to be committed to Ashley. He left during dinner and didn't even pay before going, that jerk.

Funniest part of the episode: during Ashley's date with Constantine they flash to Ryan standing alone amongst tons of rocks at the beach. Then they keep showing clips of him alone. Poor Mr. Sunshine.

Ryan aka Mr. Sunshine
I'm super annoying, you're super annoying, we're perfect for each other!
Ashley actually chose to show up at his hotel! She decided to save Ryan from his desperate loneliness (the lonely shots were taken the same day that Ashley showed up, he's wearing the same shirt).
When they were talking, Ashley said she was "distraught" after sending him home (big word for her). She also said, "you're one of the best guys I've ever met, but........I know I made the right choice." She really knows how to let someone down lightly. Ryan has his head in the clouds because he thought he would come back and everything would end perfectly. Really, Ryan? Do you ever watch this show? No one ever ends up with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, even if they do "win."

Let's get engaged for a few weeks.
So JP and Ashley blah blah blah-ed about a bunch of romantic crap before something came speeding toward them on the water. It's a plane. He's going to win. I guessed that Ben would, but Reality Steve has told me otherwise.
They flew on this sea plane and took in the view. I just love how realistic these dates are. I've mentioned my parents' first date before (the one in Taiwan or something), but their second date was on a sea plane in Fiji. They were engaged by the 5th date, and nearly 18 years later they're still together. That's exactly how Ashley and JP will end up! Right....?
JP told Ashley that his family had rave reviews about her. Is she a movie? Ugh I don't want to watch this anymore.
Here's the rest of what happened: they kept talking. And they splashed around the water and such. Then they had dinner and talked about cheesy stuff, because it's good material for TV.
After JP accepted the fantasy suite card, Ashley slept with Guy #2 of the week. Hopefully Ben didn't have an STD, or else all three of them could have it. (As you can probably tell, I find the fantasy suite thing ridiculous, especially since it's mostly all in front of cameras.)

Ashley talked to Chris Harrison, because he's pretty much her therapist. Obviously no one will be going home, because next week is the proposal. Yippee.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley says her "heart is on the line." It is? Because there are two guys left, and the next episode is two guys...
Did anyone see the side boob in Ashley's dress? Because my mom did and pointed it out to me and Potato (PS - that's the nickname for my dad).

Who Goes Home Tonight: Constantine But not by Ashley's doing, he left on his own. Good choice, he got out of there unscathed!

Next week is the engagement episode. Prepare yourselves, America, it's gonna get real (read: scripted). See you then!
Oh, Sunday is The Men Tell All episode. I may or may not watch it, I haven't decided yet.

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