Tuesday, July 19, 2011

America's Got Talent: Second Batch of 12 Perform

Hello America (and maybe other countries, I don't know)! It's time to examine the talent of our country. Although I'm not completely sure that this is a good sampling of the talent in our country. Let's get crackin'.

Side Note: I thought the show was on at 7 (my time), but it's not. So now I'm watching that lame show It's Worth What. This looks stupid, but obviously I watch stupid shows.

Good news guys! Two of my favorite gay performers are on tonight! That is the only reason I'll (try to) pay attention tonight.

Attack Dance Crew
According to Nick Cannon, these guys are passionate about the ladies. Good to know.
These guys walked out wearing track suits with neon green, it's pretty obnoxious. I think dance crews are pretty cool, but these guys aren't meeting my cool standards. The best part of the performance was when one dude was thrown over three guys. Otherwise, yawnfest (I guess I'm with Howie, I don't get it).
I agree with Sharon, "The choreography wasn't spectacular." I really want her and Piers to start use British slang, because I want to learn more British things.
Overall Grade: D

Justin Bieber's Sister: Dani Shay
Still not Justin Bieber.
Attention everyone: she is one of my favorite performers on this show. She's so super talented and just damn awesome.
Tonight Biebster's Sister is singing "Babylon." This stage setup is really stupid. Why the couch on stage? This song started out pretty weak. My mother kept mentioning that they're making her too poppy (as in pop-music like), and that's NOT good. I love Dani and I usually think her voice is great, she reminds of Brandi Carlisle, but tonight was her weakest performance. She sounded very nervous and shaky, and she can do so much better than that! I hope people vote for her despite this.
Sharon and Howie seemed to like it, but Piers mentioned that some was off key, and I agree.
Overall Grade: C-

Geechy Guy
I love comedians. I've always wanted to be a comedienne, but I worry that my humor may destroy the whole industry because all of the other comedians will leave because of me.
Geechy Guy walked onto the stage with two women dressed as whoopie cushions, which wad weird. So, this guy isn't very funny. Plus, he stole a joke from The Office. "Disposable cameras are great because you take pictures and then throw it away." You thief! Kelly from The Office did this with a disposable camera (it was really only funny then).
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan majorly insulted Geechy. I get it though, he wasn't funny at all.
Overall Grade: F
PS: His fingers are creepy. Just so you know.

Daniel Joseph Baker
Rachel, will you be my friend?
I love him! He's gay and wears bowties, so obviously I love him a lot. I want to be Daniel's best friend (I will post this in every recap until he responds to my request).
Holy crap. He has a zebra pattern piano. Oh my goodness, Daniel has such an amazing voice. And he's singing "Edge of the Glory" by Gaga! He does this song justice times a million dollars (in his words), and he sounds amazing and so fierce. Daniel truly has a unique voice and he definitely has a great stage presence. I love him so much!
Aww, when Piers asked him about his performance, he almost started to cry (he is practically begging me to be his friend). Pretty much, all of the judges love Daniel, and how could you not?
Overall Grade: A- Yes, that's right. I'm feeling a bit generous tonight.

The Rhinestone Ropers
This horse didn't do shit. But it did take a shit.
God these guys are pretty dorky. That's just the way I see it. But they do have a horse which could be cool.
Wow, the horse picked up a hat. Their first act was crazy exciting, and this is boring so far. Maybe if they spun the horse on the wheel and shot at it, this would be more exciting. Otherwise, this is like a ridiculous scene from an old Western movie. God that was lame!
The judges seemed to find this as boring as I did. Howie just made a sexual, bestiality-related innuendo ("Then you mounted it from behind"). Piers X'd them (rightfully so) and called it a train wreck.
Overall Grade: F

Dylan Andre
This guy's mom was a singer, so now she's probably living vicariously through him. When I have children, I plan on doing the same thing (but with child pageants).
I'm bored at the beginning of this song. Dylan's voice is way too quiet, and not very exciting at all. Holy crap!!! He's singing "Daughters" by John Mayer. I hate this song (my family and I have this excellent habit of mocking John Mayer songs, which isn't hard to do when most of them repeat the same words over and over again). Back to the performance, boring. Dylan has a flat voice, and I was done watching him right as he ended, so perfect timing.
The judges didn't seem too enthralled about Dylan's performance. The audience booed them (shut up, lame-o's).
Overall Grade: D This was especially low since he was wearing a denim shirt with jeans. Whoever chose that outfit should have serious consequences.

Landon Swank
Call this number to vote for me, and possibly have sex with my fiance.
So this Alaskan guy is a magician. I wonder if he knows Sarah Palin (I sure hope he knows that annoying woman).
His fiance is dressed like a slut, which he probably hopes will get him more votes. Way to whore out your fiance. Nick Cannon is signing the mirror for Landon Swanky. Holy crapole!! Swanky just burst through the mirror! My mind has officially been blown. I'm beyond impressed.
Piers doubted Swanky and had him turn around the mirror, but it was still the same as it was before. Sharon was confused (what is there to be confused about?).
Overall Grade: B+

Smage Bros. Riding Show
That friend will eventually die during one of their shows.
These guys grew up on a farm, and I'm slightly jealous. I think I'm going to get a farm one day and raise kids on it (it seems like a good plan to me).
Tonight they've brought back their friend/prop that they always seems to want to kill. And they all risked their lives in order to entertain us non-risk takers. Holy crap I almost just peed my pants! They kept jumping over their friend (who is always in the face of death) and then took off his hat with the wheel (without smashing his skull, thank goodness).
The judges love these guys. Also, the friend/prop guy said, "I'm brother without a mother...of these guys." What?! Oh well. I'm just glad he's willing to risk my life in order to make me freak out.
Overall Grade: A

Thomas John
This guy was going to be a literary professor, but decided to be a juggler instead. Interesting career switch, dude. I want to remind everyone that he started juggling to impress ladies, which he thought didn't work. Um, excuse me, sir, but I enjoy comedic jugglers.
I want to rephrase my previous statement: I no longer enjoy comedic jugglers. Well, I wasn't very impressed. I don't know, it wasn't as good as I had hoped. The chest hair made it more interesting (is that weird?).
The judges didn't seem to like him very much.
Overall Grade: D-

Stephen Retchless
I think I have heels like those. If not, I want some.
This is my second favorite gay guy on the show. I just adore the fact that he is a pole dancer, and he even does it in heels. I can barely even walk in heels, but he makes dancing on a pole in heels seem effortless.
Like Daniel Joseph Baker, he chose a Gaga song for his performance. Holy shiy this was an amazing and beautiful performance. Stephen is so graceful yet so strong, and that impresses me so much. Seriously, Stephen is so talented and makes pole dancing so beautiful. Loved it! I also want to be best friends with him.
Piers X'd him?! Does he have a problem with the shorts he's wearing, or the feather eyelashes? (Because I think that adds to the brilliance of his performance.) Sharon adores him, and Howie compared his act to Lady Gaga mixed with a firefighter. Well, alrighty.
Overall Grade: A What can I say? I love my gay guys!

Mona Lisa
This act is made up of twins. I'm assuming one is named Mona and the other is Lisa. Otherwise, their name is stupid (at least in my eyes it is).
All the lit up paper lanterns made me think of the movie Tangled. Then I was disappointed when I realized they weren't singing a song from the movie. So, this song was boring, their voices were boring, and the performance was boring. They do not receive my good graces (and we all now how special that is).
The judges gushed over them. Unfortunately, I doubt they'll make it through to next week.
Overall Grade: C-

There is a 3-year-old little girl named Emerson in this group. Doesn't that mean that this violates the child labor laws? Guess what, I just decided I liked this group significally more because they're from Denver (represent!).
Holy crapole this act was awesome! I've always found silhouette acts like this to be absolutely stunning. Guess what, you guys? You made me feel proud to be an American (and a Coloradan), but there was one image missing: Stephen Colbert. This performance was awesome.
The judges all loved it! They even made Sharon and Piers, the resident Brits, feel very patriotic (toward America, of course). Now that's talent.
Overall Grade: A

If I got to choose the 4 to make it through tomorrow:
Daniel Joseph Baker
Smage Bros. Riding Show
Stephen Retchless

But I think Stephen might not make it (which makes me sad), so it might be Swanky instead (who is still awesome).
That's all, folks!

1 comment:

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