Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Okay everyone, it's time for The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All. Yipee.

They started out with a clip of Chris and Ashley talking about a bunch of random crap. From the Masked Menace to Mr. Sunshine, they covered all of the subjects of the show. But the most discussed topic was Bentley (apparently he's controversial). Ashley wanted to let people know that she saw a great side of him, even though his ex-wife contacted her and said Bentley is a douche bag. I'm shocked at how dumb Ashley was about that.

After the commercial break, Chris and Ashley discussed the unseen moments. This was easily the best part of the whole season. They showed Mickey Mouse being a wine goddess in Vegas (someone who fetches the wine, hanging on a harness and rope). He put the harness on and said "my manhood is in my stomach." Classic moment. Holy crap!!!! The producers of The Bachelorette must have read my blog, because they noticed the penis shaped decor in her hotel room. That was a great moment, and I think it calls for another view of that picture, along with my genius caption.
I spy with my little eye something...that looks like a penis!
I'm going to comment on all of the dumb stuff. Just so you guys know.

Important Observation: The Masked Menace is not very attractive without his mask. He should just keep that on.
Also, they showed Squilliam imitating George W. Bush, it was hilarious. Even if he does act like a catty girl at times. Oh my lord... When all of these guys are talking (or rather bitching) about William, they sound like the jealous women on the Bachelor. They need to chill out.
All the guys trashed on Mr. Sunshine, and they compared him to a camp counselor. I don't see an issue with that comparison.

Poor Squilliam, he's about to be completely ripped into by the guys. While watching the clips of his "comedy," he plugged his ears (from embarrassment). Then he made a "funny and self-depricating" comment that made everyone left, even me. Some guy said, "So why are we here?" Then William said, "Because none of us can find a girl to date." Classic moment.
He really effed this one up, huh?
Next up, Ryan P., Mr. Sunshine, was pulled into the hotseat. It's gonna get intense. Hmm... I wonder why Ryan was sent home? Oh, I know, maybe because he talked about water heaters on a date! The last time I did that, I was totally denied. Lesson learned. Oh, Mr. Sunshine also bought a bunch of books that he read before going on the show. (As West said, "So you're saying this was like a math test?" That was great. PS: After hearing hisn name I fell in love with it, so one day I might have a child named West. Wait and see!) I now don't like Ryan. He's rather annoying.

Chris Harrison reminded Ames how he not only failed at a fight, but also failed at getting Ashley. How kind. Ames discussed how he wanted to take things slow (dumb, this show takes place in the matter of a month or something) and he thought Ashley was perfect, so he was shocked when he went home. Luckily, he's a better person for it. Phew, that means that he'll truly understand love when he joins the cast of The Bachelor Pad 2 (another quality show).
I look like a well-educated Ken doll.
"Let's talk about Bentley." Cue the boos. Oh, America, you've fed right into the producers' trap of hating this man. That is the only reason he's on the show, so everyone has someone to hate. All of the guys bashed on Bentley too, which is so strange since he was such a sweet, honest man! The best part about him is that he named his daughter Cozy (I wouldn't trust somebody who did that).
Then Chris pulled up Michelle, the one who warned Ashley about the douche baggery of Bentley. I think it's so dumb that she even trusted him. Seriously, Ashley is the dumbest bachelorette ever.

Okay, so then Ashley came out onstage, noticeably without an engagement ring (ooh, drama). Why does this show still continue when only ONE couple has ever stayed married, never mind engaged??
Now the guys are asking Ashley dumb questions, or making her feel like shit. Look, it's not her fault, the producers determined almost everything. Mr. Sunshine cheesed it up by thanking Ashley for being awesome (even though she isn't).

I'm so ready for this show to be over... But then, to make it worse, they've invited back 2 of the 3 most annoying bachelors/bachelorettes ever (Ali and DeAnna, just so it's clear), and they all look ridiculously tan and orange. Is Ali still engaged? I'm not really sure. I hate DeAnna, literally hate that girl. She is so annoying, and she "broke the heart" of Jesse who is from my home state, so naturally I sided with him. Observation: it appeared that Jason had on a wedding ring. Oh wait, he's married to Molly?! Say what?
Those are the only important things that happened. Everything else was stupid advice they were giving Ashley, and trying to make her seem better than she is (we all know how annoying she is, come on).

Here comes my absolute favorite part of the entire season: the funny moments we didn't see (the best ever will still be from Jillian's season). Also, it turns out that Ashley is a lot funnier than they made her out to be on the show. I love bloopers, on any show.

That's all, folks. Tomorrow night will be the season finale, and I can't wait (because I'll finally be able to stop watching this!), so tune in to my blog.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

America's Got Talent: Results of July 27th

Here we go, America. It's time to send home 2/3 of the third dozen of performers. (I apologize for that truly terrible way of saying 8 performers will head home in shame tonight.) Let's get started!

To review, here were my predictions for the four moving on:
Professor Splash
Seth Grabel
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Lys Agnes

Oh my good lord... I must say that I hate when advertising is included in TV shows. Our world has become so full of advertisements and makes me mad! It's even worse when it's for some dumb kid's movie about small, blue creatures. I'm talking about the Smurfs, by the way.

Let's move on...
The First Act Moving On: Gotcha!
None of the first three acts they pulled onstage are moving on. I have to say that I'm rather pleased because at first I was worried that my guessing streak would be ruined from the start. Luckily, that didn't happen.

Stevie Nicks performed next. I didn't care, so I skipped through it (also, I was on the phone with and I convinced my best friend Laura Mora to write on her whiteboard using her feet. She told me that she's right-footed).

First Act to Move On (for real this time): Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
But wait, there's more!
Second Act to Move on: PopLyfe
Maybe if America listened to Adele, we wouldn't be here.

So far I'm one for two. Damn you, PopLyfe, for not only ruining my streak but also for getting America to vote for you after I'm certain you ruined that Adele song! I hate teen pop bands...

Third Act to Move on: Lys Agnes
Aaand she's back! Now I'm two for three tonight (even if I think that number should be higher). I think that Lys needs to get her hair cut, and America obviously likes Colorado. So far they've voted through two Coloradans, and hopefully Professor Splash is the third from my (awesome) state.

To break up the monotony, they've brought back one of the top three acts from last year, Defying Gravity. I pretty much never watched this embarrassing excuse for a talent show last year, but I've seen this guys and they're so cool. I enjoy acts that risk their lives or do things to trip my mind (preferably both, though). Also, some of these guys are pretty cute when they're not wearing a block bodysuit.

More Stevie Nicks?! Look, I already saw her on another terrible NBC talent (or lack thereof) show, I don't need to see her again. I'm looking at you, The Voice.

I have to preface this next elimination by saying if the Shabbot Boys move on, I'm going to hunt down the people who voted for them. I know I said this yesterday, but I feel this cannot be iterated enough.
Classic moment just happened... When Nick Cannon said, "The next act going home is" (insert unnecessarily long pause here) "The Sh'Boss Boys." One of the little boys started cheering until another one told him they were leaving, and he immediately looked devastated. Sad, but classic.

This last one was up to the judges, between Professor Splash and Seth Grabel.
Fourth Act to Move on: Professor Splash
America follows Rachel's motto: Entertain me or die trying.
I didn't really care too much about this one. Either way my streak for the night would be three for four (damn you, PopLyfe).

There you have it, folks. Tune in next week for more AGT (I just learned about this cool nickname for the show). Adios!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

America's Got Talent: The Third Dozen Perform

Okay America, let's move onto the third dozen of the top 48. Every week I was hoping to come up with a new way to say 12, but it's kind of hard to do so. Anywhoo, let's get started with the show that my Potato (dad) compares to "a terrible school talent show."

Summerwind Skippers
First of all, what a lame name. Second of all, jump roping? Okay...
Let me be honest here, I've always been jealous of jump ropers. I've never been able to jump rope very well, and these guys are doing tricks. But nothing about this act excited me. It's jump roping, for goodness sake (how exciting can that get?). The music was annoying, all they did was jump some rope, and I wasn't a big fan.
Piers started out as a cynic, but said they made "skipping sexy." Um....
Overall Grade: C-

Sh'Boss Boys
We have no talent, beside being super adorable.
My mom said, "Oh, the shabbot boys?" If only... So these are three little boys whose are being exploited by their parents by rapping. Nothing is better than little kids rapping (actually, I can think of many things that are better, like even the jump roping).
If I'm not mistaken, it appears that this act is a joke. Someone told these adorable little boys to inhale tons of helium before performing. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. This is the worst thing that I've ever had the misfortune of watching/hearing.
All of the judges sidestepped the fact that they were absolutely terrible and just commented on how adorable they are. We all know how adorable they are! That's the only reason they made it through the first round.
Overall Grade: D- If they make it through to next week, I will track down whoever voted for them and yell at them (I don't want to be too violent).

Mauricio Herrera
Someone please remind me why this guy is still in the competition? I guess it's because he lost weight (that's what he told everyone).
Mauricio enters the stage wearing a horribly tacky outfit that has way too much leather. My mom has commented that she doesn't think he knows they're mocking him. I'm not sure how he doesn't know, it's rather obvious. This is such a horrid performance, I went back to up the grade of the Sh'Boss Boys just because this was worse.
Both Sharon and Piers X'd him. Is that surprising to anyone? (I'm just surprised that Howie didn't also X him.) Ugh that was so terrible.
Overall Grade: F- Please America, just send him home!

Seth Grabel
Vote for me and my creepily arched eyebrows.
This guy is an illusionist. I hope that he has a fiance hotter than Swanky's, or else he'll be going home. Either that or his tricks are better (but really, who cares about the magic part?).
Apparently Seth is "going to risking my life for you, America." This is the way the entertainment industry should be - if you're not entertaining, you die. I'm genius. The whole set up for this illusion was so ridiculously cheesy, I almost didn't want to watch the act. After he fell into the tar, they "put" him into a cannon and blasted it when he "suddenly" appeared in that water thing. Uh, that was so obvious. He was in the water thing after falling and they carried a dummy. That was dumb, I figured it out so easily (and if I can figure it out, it isn't very good).
The judges seemed to love it. Why? Could they not figure out the simplicity in the illusion?
Overall Grade: C-

Firstly, I hate that they spelled life wrong. That is so stupid to me. Secondly, I hate teen pop groups. Thirdly, I hate all of the drama the producers set up before the act to make it seem amazing when they pull it off.
Tonight they're singing "Rolling in the Deep." Sorry folks, I've decided to skip through this. I don't want some teeny boppers to ruin one of my favorite songs.
The judges seemed to love them. Clearly they don't listen to Adele (which they should).
Overall Grade: N/A Sorry everyone.

Ian Johnson
Nick Cannon said, "You won't believe what this guy can do with a yo-yo." Oh Nick, you don't know the yo-yo things I've seen (think what you will about that comment).
Let's see Ian try to make yo-yoing cool. First thoughts, the dancers are unnecessary. As my Potato said, "It's cool, but it's not a Vegas show." I couldn't have said it better myself. Ian is talented with a yo-yo, but I don't know how many people would go to watch a whole show of his (I wouldn't).
Piers X'd this guy and said, "it's still bloody boring." Howie said he'll be the best yo-yo act in the world, but agrees with my thoughts on the headline act thing.
Overall Grade: C-

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
This guy has a shocking voice, let's see how he does.
He's singing "Fly Me to the Moon" by Frank Sinatra, which was one of my parents' wedding songs. They have high expectations for Landau! This is one of the best performances of the night, so far... His voice is interesting enough, but I think he belongs on Broadway (I'm totally right about that one). I loved watching his overwhelmed reaction to looking out at the audience. Special moment, my friends.
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan was brutally honest, as usual. The other two judges blah blah blahed all about how wonderful he was. Sharon said how proud she was of him, and Potato said, "Oh, did you raise him?" Classic.
Overall Grade: B

Purrfect Angelz
What we lack in talent we make up for in hotness.
Are they dead cats or something? Because that's what their name implies. Oh, wait, sorry, they've informed us, "We're besties!" This is sure to be a great act (sarcasm alert)!
Oh my lordy... These girls are pretty much dancing like strippers. Like Swanky's fiance, they're relying solely on their hotness (and some talent). Otherwise, this dance is reminiscent of some kind of weird, kinky porno. I'm not a huge fan, even if they can kind of dance. But it was terribly cheesy, to be honest.
Piers X'd them (rightfully so) because he thinks they don't have a chance of getting through. Howie compared this act to something at Hooters.
Overall Grade: C-

What a fancy shmancy name. This young girl is a singer who was left homeless after a hurricane. What a tragedy. The homelessness and singing don't relate, but I had to mention both of them.
So, when Monét said she would be singing "Home," my mind first went to Mumford & Sons (naturally). Then I realized it was probably the Daughtry one, and got excited. But no, it's some "Home" I've never heard before. Anyway, my Potato has mimicked the buzzer quite a few times already, and I agree. This little girl cannot hit any notes correctly, she was boring, and the only thing she has going for her is her sad story. Sorry, Monét, you gotta go.
How come nobody X'd her (my dad did)? Howie mentioned the missed notes, Piers also mentioned the pitchiness (but he sees real promise), and Sharon reminded her that she's poor and couldn't afford singing lessons. Rude.
Overall Grade: D Sorry, if you're going to sing, you better do it well. Exception: Me.

Captain & Maybelle
This tattooed, dangerous couple are constantly putting themselves in scary situations. But they measure up to my hopes for the entertainment industry (entertain me or die trying).
The 50's kitchen set up is really cheesy. Holy shit!! They hung a pan from their tongue and nose. And then I just about died when Captain put hooks into his lower eyelids and smung stuff around from it. I pretty much did what the judges did and kind of turned away from the screen. But I tried to watch everything for you, America (you're welcome).
The judges expressed their disgust and intrigue with this act. I couldn't agree more.
Overall Grade: B+ After hearing Captain's mini-speech about not judging by what they look like, I upped the score. And also, I enjoy the life risking thing.

Lys Agnès
She sings opera...I hate opera. Sorry but I tend to find it rather annoying. Lys has really long hair and that also bothers more. But I'll try to get over these short comings (even if it's difficult) and judge her correctly.
Hey guess what? She's from Colorado, gotta support my home state acts. This set up is so cheesy. Lys is standing behind a giant picture frame, and this reminds me of the painting from Harry Potter (the ones that move). I'm not a fan of opera! I don't know what the heck she's saying, and I doubt she knows either. Luckily, Lys has a relatively decent voice, but she did miss a few notes here and there.
Piers wasn't moved, but Howie and Sharon were. Whatever, I was bored.
Overall Grade: C

Professor Splash
For this final act (please be the final act), this crazy professor will be outside. He'll be jumping from a really extreme height (I don't remember what it was) into a kiddie pool into 12 inches of water. This is nuts.
I must admit that I'm rather terrified for this man's safety. What will happen to this man's School of Splash if he dies? (Since he's a Professor, I only assume that he has a school.) This guy is also from Denver! I'm so excited about all of my fellow Coloradans on this show. When he jumped, I held my breath. I think this guy gets off on scaring the crap out of people. Oh, he also set a world record of highest jump from 36 feet, 7 inches.
The judges seemed to love it. Of course, what's not to love about this death-defying stuntman?
Overall Grade: A How could I give him any less? He followed my motto, "Entertain me, or die trying."
Question: What made Professor Splash decide to go into this line of work? Did he wake up one morning and say, "Hey, maybe I should start jumping from extreme heights into small amounts of water."? What a crazy guy.

Here's my top 4 predictions:
Professor Splash
Seth Grabel
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
Lys Agnès

See you tomorrow!

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Bachelorette: Drama and Fantasy Suites in Fiji

It's time, once again, for The Bachelorette. We are getting one step closer to learning who will win (although I wouldn't consider being with Ashley a "win"), which means it's time for the fantasy suites. Basically, this is the episode where Ashley has sex with three different guys in the matter of a few nights. That is the foundation of a great relationship.

This episode will not only contain "fantasy suites," but it will also have tons of drama. Why? Because someone is coming to Fiji to beg Ashley to give them one more chance! I can already tell you it's Ryan, Mr. Sunshine. I hate when the producers bring someone back, it's really stupid.
Anyway, onto the show.
Let me set up this dramatic scene for you. Ashley is told by the producers, "Okay, something crazy is going to happen before your date with Ben. So write in your diary and take a few minutes adjusting your earrings and shirt. Then act surprised when there is a knock at the door." That all happens, then Surprise! It's Mr. Sunshine at the door (I would like to thank Reality Steve for informing me of this ahead of time).

Mr. Sunshine "justifies" his coming to Fiji by saying, "What if she's regretting sending me home?" Uh, I doubt it, or else she wouldn't have sent you home. The whole exchange that will happen is going to be ridiculous, so I'm mostly going to mock everything.
So Mr. Sunshine pretty much told Ashley that he's getting old and desperate and realized she's young and pretty, hence he deserves another chance. Also, Ryan said he called Chris Harrison so he could see Ashley again. Really? I think he means that Chris called him. Ryan is in Fiji for a couple of days and wants Ashley to come see him. Does anyone else find it to be a strange "coincidence" that he came back on the fantasy suites episode? I don't, in fact I'm positive Ryan came back just to sleep with Ashley.

Someone doesn't look too excited about the fantasy suite...
It's time for Ashley's date with Ben after they last saw each other in California. He is just glad to spend time with her on the water. Oh, and the date is on a huge, fancy boat. No big deal.
God, this episode is always my least favorite (since we get to watch the contestants in their most intimate moments). Including putting sunscreen on. Ashley said, "Do you wanna put it on my back?" Then my mom said, as if she were Ben, "I'd rather put it on your breasts." Then he did! This show is quality television. After the sunscreen ordeal, intense music started to play as they went scuba diving. I love it when I have dramatic background music to moments in my life.
Before Ashley sleeps with Guy #1, they have dinner together at some remote location. How is the food kept warm before delivering it to them? (These are the kinds of things I often ponder.) Anyway, they talk about a bunch of cheesy stuff during dinner, blah blah blah. Then Ben says, "We should say the whole I love you thing." (He's obviously a hopeless romantic.) Oh, and we get to hear every last, unnecessary sound of their kissing. How awesome!
Ben accepts the fantasy suite invite, so it's time for them to get it on. As the audience, we are so lucky because we get to watch everything up until they actually sleep together. They might as well make this god damn show a porno sometimes.

Constantine me leaving.
Is anyone else still surprised this Greek caveman made it this far? I am! He's always flown under the radar. Speaking of flying, they're going to be riding in a helicopter. Hell yes! Oh my god Ashley is so annoying. "I have a Greek god to the left of me, and the blue water below me." Greek god, really? What is he the god of?
Anyway, they arrived at a waterfall after the helicopter. Ashley and Constantine are going to take "a leap of faith" off of a rocky waterfall. Aaand cue the dramatic orchestra (the music in this show literally kills me). After they swam for awhile, they had a picnic next to the water. Ashley complained about Constantine looking at a bunch of houses and compared it to women. She said, "You think things through. It takes time and effort." Duh! What is the problem she sees in this? Sorry that Constantine enters relationships like most normal people who aren't on a dumb reality tv show.
Time for dinner! Ashley asked if it's weird for Constantine to be dating the same girl as his friend, Ben. I think the way to make this show less weird is to feature only polygamists (although some might think they're weird). Anyway, during dinner Constantine pretty much said that he doesn't want to propose to Ashley. So he probably won't sleep with her that night, to Ashley's dismay.
Oh snap! Constantine decided it was time for him to go since he wasn't ready to be committed to Ashley. He left during dinner and didn't even pay before going, that jerk.

Funniest part of the episode: during Ashley's date with Constantine they flash to Ryan standing alone amongst tons of rocks at the beach. Then they keep showing clips of him alone. Poor Mr. Sunshine.

Ryan aka Mr. Sunshine
I'm super annoying, you're super annoying, we're perfect for each other!
Ashley actually chose to show up at his hotel! She decided to save Ryan from his desperate loneliness (the lonely shots were taken the same day that Ashley showed up, he's wearing the same shirt).
When they were talking, Ashley said she was "distraught" after sending him home (big word for her). She also said, "you're one of the best guys I've ever met, but........I know I made the right choice." She really knows how to let someone down lightly. Ryan has his head in the clouds because he thought he would come back and everything would end perfectly. Really, Ryan? Do you ever watch this show? No one ever ends up with the Bachelor or Bachelorette, even if they do "win."

Let's get engaged for a few weeks.
So JP and Ashley blah blah blah-ed about a bunch of romantic crap before something came speeding toward them on the water. It's a plane. He's going to win. I guessed that Ben would, but Reality Steve has told me otherwise.
They flew on this sea plane and took in the view. I just love how realistic these dates are. I've mentioned my parents' first date before (the one in Taiwan or something), but their second date was on a sea plane in Fiji. They were engaged by the 5th date, and nearly 18 years later they're still together. That's exactly how Ashley and JP will end up! Right....?
JP told Ashley that his family had rave reviews about her. Is she a movie? Ugh I don't want to watch this anymore.
Here's the rest of what happened: they kept talking. And they splashed around the water and such. Then they had dinner and talked about cheesy stuff, because it's good material for TV.
After JP accepted the fantasy suite card, Ashley slept with Guy #2 of the week. Hopefully Ben didn't have an STD, or else all three of them could have it. (As you can probably tell, I find the fantasy suite thing ridiculous, especially since it's mostly all in front of cameras.)

Ashley talked to Chris Harrison, because he's pretty much her therapist. Obviously no one will be going home, because next week is the proposal. Yippee.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley says her "heart is on the line." It is? Because there are two guys left, and the next episode is two guys...
Did anyone see the side boob in Ashley's dress? Because my mom did and pointed it out to me and Potato (PS - that's the nickname for my dad).

Who Goes Home Tonight: Constantine But not by Ashley's doing, he left on his own. Good choice, he got out of there unscathed!

Next week is the engagement episode. Prepare yourselves, America, it's gonna get real (read: scripted). See you then!
Oh, Sunday is The Men Tell All episode. I may or may not watch it, I haven't decided yet.

The Stars Step Out at the Premiere of "Smurfs"

So, I don't care at all about the movie Smurfs. The only reason I'm posting about this is because of Neil Patrick Harris (who I love!) and Katy Perry. Guess which one wore something totally bizarre? Yes, Neil Patrick Harris.
Check this crazy thing out.
This dress should be sold in stores.

Those pictures are just so hard to describe... Why did she feel the need for her dress and nails to match? And how long did it take for someone to decorate those nails? Katy Perry truly is an interesting person (to put it lightly).

Let's check out some of the other stars. Specifically, Neil Patrick Harris (the only one we really care about, right?), Sofia Vergara (she's from Modern Family) and Jayma Mays (she's from Glee).

I don't really think you should run out and see this movie. In fact, I advise just the opposite. Don't see this movie. Just enjoy these pictures (and if you want more Neil Patrick Harris, watch How I Met Your Mother).

Sunday, July 24, 2011

First Same-Sex Marriages in New York

It's the day we've all been waiting for, America. The day that the lovely same sex couples in new york get to legally marry each other. It's been a long time coming (to the say the least), but over 800 couples were wed today. That's a lot of people that were denied the chance to be legally married to the person they loved, but now that wait is over.
This is one of the most amazing days in United States history, because I'm sure that tons of other states will soon follow suit (with the Bible Belt being last, of course). Here is the first couple married, just after midnight.
Here's that lucky first couple, Phyllis Siegal, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85. They've been together for 23 years, and now they get the chance to get married.

So congratulations to all of the couples that wed today, and to all of the couples that will wed in the future. We're helping America get one step closer to equality and tolerance!

Friday, July 22, 2011

When In Doubt...Mumford & Sons

I find that this has become my motto in life. When I can't think of anything to write about, or whatever, I just resort to Mumford & Sons. I find that this is perfectly reasonable.

So here I have some videos of songs that you may or may not have heard before (because they aren't on their debut album). Enjoy, folks!

"Lover of the Light"

"Hopeless Wanderer"

"She Said Yes" (In the future, I hope this is the song that the band will spontaneously play after Country Winston proposes to me and I say yes)

"Broken Crown"

That's all I've got for now. Soak in the Mum.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Words of Wisdom: Stephen Colbert Speaks About ID Laws

Okay America, I'm posting more about Stephen Colbert's genuis. Tonight he was discussing the ridiculous ID laws that are being passed in many states that are making it harder for people (such as the poor, students, etc.) to vote. Let's check out Colbert's take.

"I'll tell you what, these ID laws prove Republican legislators are great judges of who should vote. So let's just cut out the middleman and let only Republican legislators be voters. That way we will finally be certain that only the right people get elected."

So there you go, folks. Colbert is truly wise, and if we lived by his words, I think the world could truly be a better place.

America's Got Talent: Results of July 20th

Here we go, folks. Time to reveal the next four moving into the semi-finals.
Just to refresh your memory, here was my prediction for tonight:
Daniel Joseph Baker
Smage Bros. Riding Show
Stephen Retchless

Let's see how I do...

First Act to Make it Through: Silhouettes
Great appeal to America.
Looks like I'm one for one so far! And it looks like America loves itself enough to vote for their patriotic performance.

Some band called Hot Chelle Rae performed a ridiculously poppy, stupid song (but at least it had really deep lyrics). This song was horrible.

Second Act Making it Through: Stephen Retchless
Legs aren't supposed to bend like that.
Love him! He is up there (literally) sparkling on stage, and he totally deserves this. Now I'm two for two, what up!
Howie Mandel said: "America does NOT get it wrong, they voted you in..." Well, Howie America also voted George W. Bush into office, and they sure got it wrong there... (But they definitely get it wrong with Stephen!)

Third Act to Make it Through: Daniel Joseph Baker
Seriously, please be my friend? (I hate to sound desperate...)
Oh my god yes!!!! America, thank you for voting through this amazing, talented singer! He said, "Thank you, America, for letting me by myself!" Yes! It seems America is starting to accept gay guys, especially fierce ones like Daniel Joseph Baker (I still want to be his best friend). I'm three for three!

While leaving the final three perfomers in suspense, they brought out this group called Traces who just performed for Prince William and Princess Kate (lucky). Holy shit that was the coolest thing I've ever seen! They were flipping off of poles, and then jumping onto the next pole. I'm going to try and find a video for your viewing pleasure. Well wouldn't ya know it, I found the one from the show.

For this last act, the judges get to choose who makes it. The prop/friend appealed to the judges by saying: "Well, to be honest, I'm pretty scared, they're getting really close to my body. I'm not even sure if I want to move on." (You just know the other guys were like, "Dude! Don't say that!") Then Swanky discussed the sacrifices he's made, ans how he was willing to whore out his hot fiance for him to move on. Now that's sacrifice.

After the judges deliberated long and hard....Fourth Act to Make it Through: Smage Bros. Riding Show
Apparently, the judges and America want to continue to see Troy be put in danger.
Looks like I was four for four tonight! I am good. Unfortunately, it appears that my other prediction about Troy (the prop/friend) dying on stage will probably come true.
My only upset about Landon Swank and his Hot Fiance going home is that I can't call him Swanky anymore.

So there you have it, America! Next week we'll see the next 12 that are hoping to make it into the semi-finals. Prepare yourself.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Breaking News: The Hunger Games Movie Poster

Hello, world. I have just been given a secret, special sneak peek of the movie poster for The Hunger Games (and by that, I mean I used Google). This fantastic movie will be coming to theatres on March 23, 2012. Doesn't that seem much too long for such an epic movie? I'm about to burst, that's how excited I am about this poster. Take a gander, Hunger Games fans....

How awesome is that?! Seriously, it is awesome. "May the odds be ever in your favor." Who is super pumped now? I am! And who is counting down the days until the premiere? I'm not (but the Hunger Games movie website has kindly informed me that it is in 248 days).

Hopefully this poster will hold you over for the next 248 days. If not, I suggest reading the books again.

America's Got Talent: Second Batch of 12 Perform

Hello America (and maybe other countries, I don't know)! It's time to examine the talent of our country. Although I'm not completely sure that this is a good sampling of the talent in our country. Let's get crackin'.

Side Note: I thought the show was on at 7 (my time), but it's not. So now I'm watching that lame show It's Worth What. This looks stupid, but obviously I watch stupid shows.

Good news guys! Two of my favorite gay performers are on tonight! That is the only reason I'll (try to) pay attention tonight.

Attack Dance Crew
According to Nick Cannon, these guys are passionate about the ladies. Good to know.
These guys walked out wearing track suits with neon green, it's pretty obnoxious. I think dance crews are pretty cool, but these guys aren't meeting my cool standards. The best part of the performance was when one dude was thrown over three guys. Otherwise, yawnfest (I guess I'm with Howie, I don't get it).
I agree with Sharon, "The choreography wasn't spectacular." I really want her and Piers to start use British slang, because I want to learn more British things.
Overall Grade: D

Justin Bieber's Sister: Dani Shay
Still not Justin Bieber.
Attention everyone: she is one of my favorite performers on this show. She's so super talented and just damn awesome.
Tonight Biebster's Sister is singing "Babylon." This stage setup is really stupid. Why the couch on stage? This song started out pretty weak. My mother kept mentioning that they're making her too poppy (as in pop-music like), and that's NOT good. I love Dani and I usually think her voice is great, she reminds of Brandi Carlisle, but tonight was her weakest performance. She sounded very nervous and shaky, and she can do so much better than that! I hope people vote for her despite this.
Sharon and Howie seemed to like it, but Piers mentioned that some was off key, and I agree.
Overall Grade: C-

Geechy Guy
I love comedians. I've always wanted to be a comedienne, but I worry that my humor may destroy the whole industry because all of the other comedians will leave because of me.
Geechy Guy walked onto the stage with two women dressed as whoopie cushions, which wad weird. So, this guy isn't very funny. Plus, he stole a joke from The Office. "Disposable cameras are great because you take pictures and then throw it away." You thief! Kelly from The Office did this with a disposable camera (it was really only funny then).
Piers "Jerkface" Morgan majorly insulted Geechy. I get it though, he wasn't funny at all.
Overall Grade: F
PS: His fingers are creepy. Just so you know.

Daniel Joseph Baker
Rachel, will you be my friend?
I love him! He's gay and wears bowties, so obviously I love him a lot. I want to be Daniel's best friend (I will post this in every recap until he responds to my request).
Holy crap. He has a zebra pattern piano. Oh my goodness, Daniel has such an amazing voice. And he's singing "Edge of the Glory" by Gaga! He does this song justice times a million dollars (in his words), and he sounds amazing and so fierce. Daniel truly has a unique voice and he definitely has a great stage presence. I love him so much!
Aww, when Piers asked him about his performance, he almost started to cry (he is practically begging me to be his friend). Pretty much, all of the judges love Daniel, and how could you not?
Overall Grade: A- Yes, that's right. I'm feeling a bit generous tonight.

The Rhinestone Ropers
This horse didn't do shit. But it did take a shit.
God these guys are pretty dorky. That's just the way I see it. But they do have a horse which could be cool.
Wow, the horse picked up a hat. Their first act was crazy exciting, and this is boring so far. Maybe if they spun the horse on the wheel and shot at it, this would be more exciting. Otherwise, this is like a ridiculous scene from an old Western movie. God that was lame!
The judges seemed to find this as boring as I did. Howie just made a sexual, bestiality-related innuendo ("Then you mounted it from behind"). Piers X'd them (rightfully so) and called it a train wreck.
Overall Grade: F

Dylan Andre
This guy's mom was a singer, so now she's probably living vicariously through him. When I have children, I plan on doing the same thing (but with child pageants).
I'm bored at the beginning of this song. Dylan's voice is way too quiet, and not very exciting at all. Holy crap!!! He's singing "Daughters" by John Mayer. I hate this song (my family and I have this excellent habit of mocking John Mayer songs, which isn't hard to do when most of them repeat the same words over and over again). Back to the performance, boring. Dylan has a flat voice, and I was done watching him right as he ended, so perfect timing.
The judges didn't seem too enthralled about Dylan's performance. The audience booed them (shut up, lame-o's).
Overall Grade: D This was especially low since he was wearing a denim shirt with jeans. Whoever chose that outfit should have serious consequences.

Landon Swank
Call this number to vote for me, and possibly have sex with my fiance.
So this Alaskan guy is a magician. I wonder if he knows Sarah Palin (I sure hope he knows that annoying woman).
His fiance is dressed like a slut, which he probably hopes will get him more votes. Way to whore out your fiance. Nick Cannon is signing the mirror for Landon Swanky. Holy crapole!! Swanky just burst through the mirror! My mind has officially been blown. I'm beyond impressed.
Piers doubted Swanky and had him turn around the mirror, but it was still the same as it was before. Sharon was confused (what is there to be confused about?).
Overall Grade: B+

Smage Bros. Riding Show
That friend will eventually die during one of their shows.
These guys grew up on a farm, and I'm slightly jealous. I think I'm going to get a farm one day and raise kids on it (it seems like a good plan to me).
Tonight they've brought back their friend/prop that they always seems to want to kill. And they all risked their lives in order to entertain us non-risk takers. Holy crap I almost just peed my pants! They kept jumping over their friend (who is always in the face of death) and then took off his hat with the wheel (without smashing his skull, thank goodness).
The judges love these guys. Also, the friend/prop guy said, "I'm brother without a mother...of these guys." What?! Oh well. I'm just glad he's willing to risk my life in order to make me freak out.
Overall Grade: A

Thomas John
This guy was going to be a literary professor, but decided to be a juggler instead. Interesting career switch, dude. I want to remind everyone that he started juggling to impress ladies, which he thought didn't work. Um, excuse me, sir, but I enjoy comedic jugglers.
I want to rephrase my previous statement: I no longer enjoy comedic jugglers. Well, I wasn't very impressed. I don't know, it wasn't as good as I had hoped. The chest hair made it more interesting (is that weird?).
The judges didn't seem to like him very much.
Overall Grade: D-

Stephen Retchless
I think I have heels like those. If not, I want some.
This is my second favorite gay guy on the show. I just adore the fact that he is a pole dancer, and he even does it in heels. I can barely even walk in heels, but he makes dancing on a pole in heels seem effortless.
Like Daniel Joseph Baker, he chose a Gaga song for his performance. Holy shiy this was an amazing and beautiful performance. Stephen is so graceful yet so strong, and that impresses me so much. Seriously, Stephen is so talented and makes pole dancing so beautiful. Loved it! I also want to be best friends with him.
Piers X'd him?! Does he have a problem with the shorts he's wearing, or the feather eyelashes? (Because I think that adds to the brilliance of his performance.) Sharon adores him, and Howie compared his act to Lady Gaga mixed with a firefighter. Well, alrighty.
Overall Grade: A What can I say? I love my gay guys!

Mona Lisa
This act is made up of twins. I'm assuming one is named Mona and the other is Lisa. Otherwise, their name is stupid (at least in my eyes it is).
All the lit up paper lanterns made me think of the movie Tangled. Then I was disappointed when I realized they weren't singing a song from the movie. So, this song was boring, their voices were boring, and the performance was boring. They do not receive my good graces (and we all now how special that is).
The judges gushed over them. Unfortunately, I doubt they'll make it through to next week.
Overall Grade: C-

There is a 3-year-old little girl named Emerson in this group. Doesn't that mean that this violates the child labor laws? Guess what, I just decided I liked this group significally more because they're from Denver (represent!).
Holy crapole this act was awesome! I've always found silhouette acts like this to be absolutely stunning. Guess what, you guys? You made me feel proud to be an American (and a Coloradan), but there was one image missing: Stephen Colbert. This performance was awesome.
The judges all loved it! They even made Sharon and Piers, the resident Brits, feel very patriotic (toward America, of course). Now that's talent.
Overall Grade: A

If I got to choose the 4 to make it through tomorrow:
Daniel Joseph Baker
Smage Bros. Riding Show
Stephen Retchless

But I think Stephen might not make it (which makes me sad), so it might be Swanky instead (who is still awesome).
That's all, folks!

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

Okay people, tonight is the hometown dates on The Bachelorette. Ashley will be meeting the guys' families, which is always a pivotal point in any serious relationship (even if that isn't the best wording for what goes on in this show). Sorry I missed the recap of last week! I was in Oregon and totally busy, but now I'm back. Let's get this shit over with.
Will you accept this...apology for being super annoying?
I want everyone to know that I've fast forwarded through all this crap.

This Greek guy lives in Georgia, even though I expected him to live in Greece, obviously. The first thing Ashley said about why likes Constantine is because "physically, he's everything I'm looking for." (Wow, she sure has her priorities straight.)
Constantine kind of owns/cooks at an Italian restaurant. How fancy. After teaching Ashley how to make a pizza, the waitresses spied on them as they talked. Good plan, producers.
Okay, here's a recap of what happened: Ashley met Constantine's Greek family, then they talked to family members and had dinner. After that about 100 more people came over and they all danced and someone threw money at Ashley (I doubt that this is a regular occurance at his house). Then they talked again.
Here's my favorite thing that Ashley said: "You can see there's a lot of love in this family, and it inspired me." So cheesy.

Spoiler alert: this awesome picnic doesn't win him a rose.
Apparently he lives on a farm with horses. If Ashley won't marry him (and Winston won't marry me), then I'll marry Ames. Even if he is way too perfect looking.
Holy crap! Guess what I just realized? Ames has a brother named Jim, meaning his full name is James. Brothers named James and Ames?! Their parents must hate them or something...
Then Ashley and Ames' sister, Serena, sat down for a serious talk. Then Ames talked to his mom, then Ashley talked to his mom, then Ames talked to his sister. God, I hate all this bullshit! Seriously, it's all crap and I feel like I pull my hair out watching this.
After the family crap, Ashley and Ames had a picnic on the farm (I really want a farm now). They learned shocking things about each other. Ashley learned that Ames was a bad student in high school and went to boarding school. Ames learned that Ashley is super annoying and leans toward the dumb side. Then they rode on a horse pulled carriage, after Ames said he finds magic in the ordinary. What's ordinary about a carriage ride?!

Ashley went to his vineyard and remarked, "Everything about him screams sexiness." Well, alrighty then. I'm thinking that Ben is planning on getting Ashley wasted so they can have sex before the "Fantasy Suite" episode (my least favorite episode, even though I hate them all).
It appears that Ben lives in a cabin-like house on a vineyard. I'm willing to bet that there is no electricity or air conditioning. While they're talking about family and blah blah, Ashley keeps bringing up Ben's dead dad (way to rub salt in the wound).
So they had dinner and they talked, and blah blah. And Ben was a total wussy and cried about his dead dad. Get over it!
PS: I still think he is going to win. If I am right, America owes me a lot of money. If I am wrong (and according to Reality Steve, I am), then I will hide in shame.

I've always wondered something about this show: what if some guy's family hated the Bachelorette, but Ashley had no clue and then she gave the rose to the guy, and then he had to say no. I would love to see that happen. Actually, I would love to see someone tell ther son, "Ashley is a dumb bitch. If you propose to her, we will disown you." That would make my day.

Sorry, I didn't realize they were 13 year-old's in the 70's
When Ashley arrived in New York, JP decided to take her to a roller rink. Of all the places to go on a date in New York, JP chose a roller rink. Then he fell down while skating. He's made a fool of himself twice in one day (way to go, loser). After their skating and falling, they sat down for a serious talk. This show is full of serious talks.
Now Ashley is going to have dinner wth JP's family, and I'm not going to pay very much attention. Then more talking occurred. Boring. Everyone expressed some concern over Ashley (but not one of them mentioned how annoying she is).
The best part of this episode was when JP's mom took out this giant picture of him when he was a kid where he looked like he belonged in an '80s TV show. Complete with stupid hair and a bowtie. Classy.

The Broken Heart of Tonight: Ames
Sorry, pal. But maybe if you would just stop being so perfect looking all the time, she would have liked you. Oh, it also probably has something to do with the fact that he is ten times smarter and deeper than Ashley.