The Bachelorette: In Chiang Mai, A Very Romantic City?

The Bachelorette!! Excitement.
But seriously, I know you guys love the recaps, so I'm watching this show for you (I am that awesome). So let's get started with this scripted madness.

Will you accept this...apology for me being really annoying?

So, this episode starts off with the Bachelors heading to Chiang Mai, Thailand. You know what I love about this show? How real it is. When I eventually start to date and fall in love with someone, I plan on traveling to at least 5 different countries within a 3 week period. Right after we meet. (Are my expectations too high?)

According to Ames, Chiang Mai is famous for being romantic, what with all the monks and temples. Yep. Nothing screams romance like Buddhism.
JP agrees with him, "If you can't find romance in this kind of environment, you're hopeless." Awesome.

Last week Bentley left, and I'm really upset I missed that. Let me just repeat myself: He was a tool. Ashley was beyond stupid for even thinking he was genuine. (Also, he was dumb. His daughter was named after a blanket, Cozy?!)

One-on-One Date
Ben F. was picked for the coveted date in Chiang Mai. To remind everyone, he is my Chosen One as the winner of this show.

I am the chosen one. By Rachel and possibly the producers.

But, Ashley has her doubts (or, at least, doubts the producers told her to have).
So first, they'll "experience real life" as Ashley said, by going to a street market. After, they went to this beautiful, old temple (which I don't think they fully appreciated). But they couldn't kiss there! It's sacrilegious. But Ashley was tempting him to kiss her. Tease.
Now it's time for dinner and making out (after an outfit change, of course). Wow this place is stunning, with tons of flowers and candles intricately set up. But the question is, "Who does this? On a real first date?" My mom said, "Uh, your dad did." Liar.
So, Ben is a wine maker, and Ashley is ready to join him on the vineyard to stomp some grapes (that's what I assume wine makers do). After some intense soul searching and comparing agendas, Ashley gave Ben a rose. Oh, and then some belly dancers holding candles came out! I wonder if this happened on my parents first date, too?

Group Date
The guys: Constantine, Yale (Ames), Nick, Blake, Lucas, Mr. Sunshine (Ryan P.), JP, and Mickey Mouse.
The guys are going to be duking it out for Ashley. Literally. They will be attempting to kill or seriously injure one another in order to win the rose and Ashley's heart. Things like this happen to me all the time (okay, I may have over exaggerated the killing part).
Ames is the only one who is about to wuss out on this fighting practice. Use your muscles, Yale!
Does anyone else find it ridiculous that all of these guys are ripped? In real life, if she picked a random group of 10 guys, maybe 3 of them would have abs like this group (I can't help but wonder if that is part of the application process).
Here are the duels (winner in bold).
•Blake vs. Lucas
•Mickey Mouse vs. JP (He's ready to take a beating like a man. Awesome. His new nickname is "The Jew from Long Island." Said it himself.)
•Yale vs. Mr. Sunshine (These guys are terrible fighters. Especially Ames. He's all messed up.)
•Nick vs. Constantine
So, this was obviously the worst idea the producers have ever had for a date, ever. Why the eff would they risk someone getting hurt? That could be a legal huge issue.
Ugh this group date is getting on my nerves. I can't watch this because these guys are ridiculous. But wait! Yale shows up! Turns out, Ames just had a mild concussion and was "totally in love" (what a wuss). Can't damage that Triple Ivy Leaguer brain, can ya?
Rose Winner: Blake

Two-on-One Date
Ben C. and William (Squilliam) are going with Ashley to the Elephant Life Experience. I may or may not be jealous about the elephant part.
As Squilliam says, "It's two dudes, one girl. It's awkward." Um, is he still talking about the date? Now he's throwing Ben C. under the bus about looking at dating websites (but I kind of feel like he's lying). Ashley is about to lose it! I hope she has a breakdown.
Ashley is about to send home one unfortunate fella: Ben C. Now he's going to fly back home to America. Chiang Mai isn't all that romantic for some, eh?
Now it's a one-on-one date. Nice job, Squilliam. Another outfit change and it's time for another ridiculously romantic dinner! I want to skip through all this cheesy crap (so I will).
Long story short: Ashley loved the first date, but this one sucked. Squilliam is pissed that he lost the spark.
Rose Winner: No one.
Both Squilliam (or, as he called himself, "the world's biggest effing asshole") and Ben C. were sent home.
Apparently, the guys didn't like William either because Ryan practically kicked his suitcase out of the house.

Rose Ceremony
I skipped through all the crap again (I know how it goes). Ashley talks to all the guys, really stupid moments. Then she talks to Chris Harrison, host/therapist, about her decision. Good thing he's there, or else Ashley would never be able to decide!
"Gentleman, good evening. Six roses to hand out, one of you will be executed tonight." Wow, tough elimination process. Then, after five roses are given out, Chris' famous line that I know so well by now, "Ashley, gentleman, it's the final rose tonight. When you're ready." (Chris is the only reason I watch this show.)

 Does anyone ever wonder what would happen if Ashley asks, "Will you accept this rose?" and the dude says, "No." What then? If I ever go on the show (which I won't) I will say this.
Leaving Us Tonight.....Nick aka Matthew McConaughey

That's all, folks! Tune in next week for more laughable moments of...love (?) in Hong Kong. This is another place I'll add to my list of places for my future boyfriend of 3 weeks to take me. Hopefully Paul McDonald is taking notes.
Peace out.