Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Voice: And the Winner Is...

Who's ready to find out who the winner of The Voice is? I am (if only so this show will finally end)! So now, let's get it started.

Two observations right off the bat: Beverly is wearing a trench coat suit (cool), and Dia's hair is cut, or styled, ridiculously short (not cool). She looks like a geisha or something.
Onto the real stuff.

Vicci Martinez with Pat Monahan
I'm crrrazy! Just like Train's hair.

If you're like me, you're asking, "Who is Pat Monahan?" Apparently, he's some dude from Train (awesome band). Hold the phone! This Pat guy is the singer from Train. I had always called him train, I guess I just learned something new.Vicci and Train (this is how I will refer to him) are singing my favorite song of his, "Drops of Jupiter." Quality song. Train sounded great, and Vicci sounded just alright. I'm not sure this was the best pairing for her, Vicci should have been with someone a little crazy - not someone with crazy hair (seriously, Train's hair looked like he was just electrocuted). Despite that, this was one of Vicci's best performances, but it came just a little too late, huh?
CeeLo mumbled his admiration for Vicci, and I couldn't understand a word he said. But, I did love his blinged-out track suit (where can I get me one of those?).

Javier Colon with Stevie Nicks
I don't want to be a head nudist.
They got Stevie Nicks to come on this crap-tacular (copyrighted by Rachel) show? Wow. Someone must have done something they aren't proud of to get her, if you know what I mean... Something like being a producer on this show! Oh, snap.
Anyway, Javier decided to keep his Nude Head look. I can't decide whether or not I like it. Stevie Nicks keeps doing this weird thing with her hand, and it's really freaking me out. Also, Javier and Stevie are both acting and looking like they're a little high... Were they smoking pot together before the show? That would explain a lot. (By the way, I'm only kind of kidding.) I don't have anything serious to say about this performance, not that I ever have anything serious to say in general. This song annoys me a lot, and Stevie's weird hand movements are a huge distraction to me.
Adam Levine was about to cry - out of boredom? Because I was about to do that, too. Also, Adam almost implied that singing with Stevie Nicks was better than getting married or having kids (looks like someone is a tad jealous - Adam really needs to get over Javier).

Whoa! I just saw Christina practically grab her boobs. She gets stranger and stranger by the minute.
Have I annoyed you to tears yet?
Beverly McClellan with Ryan Tedder
I like singing with Teddy Bears...or at least Ryan Teddy Bear.
I want to call him Ryan Teddy Bear, because that's what I thought of when I heard his name. Fun Fact: OneRepublic is a hometown band! Woot woot (unfortunately, I'm not a very big fan).
I think this was a weird pairing. In fact, this performance is a mess. Ryan Teddy Bear doesn't sound very good live, and Beverly totally screwed up that screaming note, but decided to push through it anyway. Not a good choice. Ugh, this does not sound good at all! I've decided that I will never see Ryan Teddy Bear and OneRepublic in concert, because he is not good at all. The best part of the song was when Ryan Teddy Bear sang something about Colorado (I'm really trying to milk this nickname while I have a chance). Otherwise, this was a badly sung, weirdly danced, mess of a performance.
Christina looked skanky and complimented Beverly for being awesome. Then she tried, once again, to make a better image of herself by calling the judges "the brothers I never had." They must hate having the sister they never wanted.

Dia Frampton with Miranda Lambert
I. Will. Win!
I want to see a girl fight onstage. Why? Because I have a feeling that Miranda must be jealous of all of Blake's flirting with the soon-to-be winner of this show.
Anywhoo... They're singing Lambert's hit song "The House That Built Me." Miranda has a pink bedazzled microphone, and she kind of sounds sick (is that she is supposed to sound?). Dia's new hair is stupid!!! It makes me so mad that I'm using an excessive amount of exclamation points!!!!! She loses my vote just for that. Ugh this song is way too slow, they've pretty much lost my interest. Side note: there's a partial orchestra in the background. I've always loved when that's in a song, it makes it ten times cooler (except for in this instance). On another side note, I'm pretty sure I saw Miranda glare at Dia in jealousy. (I really want to start the rumor of Miranda hating Dia. Help me make it spread like wildfire!)
Blake is about to admit his undying love for Dia and his upcoming divorce from Miranda... No? Well darn, I was hoping for some drama. Instead, Blake just told Dia that she's like family to him now (that's practically and invitation to join them for Thanksgiving).

Okay, now it's time for 3 hearts breaking and 1 heart making (I know that doesn't make sense, but I really wanted it to rhyme), but 4 people crying...
The Moment of Truth
It's time to find out the winner... But, more importantly, it's time to find out whether I gain or lose $1 million (looking back on it, that might have been a bit of an extreme wager).
I hope they don't stretch this out and make everyone nearly pee their pants. Oh wait, Carson decided to make the contestants' hearts stop by announcing, "The voting was extremely close...that the top two were within only 2% of each other." Wow, let me think about that for a minute... No, wait, TELL ME THE RESULTS!!
Top Two Artists: Dia Frampton (duh!) and Javier Colon.
I have a lot of money riding on this...I better be right. Oh, and good-bye Not-Winners (aka losers), Beverly McClellan and Vicci Martinez.

And finally, after waiting for much too long...
The Winner.......JAVIER COLON!
What up, bitches?
Wait, what the eff??? Why would America vote for a guy who thinks lullabies can be about dead people, and whose last name reminds me of the organ that produces crap???
Dia should have won, because she was truly an artist (and also because I just lost $1 million, which I didn't even have to begin with). How disappointing... This is like when James Durbin got voted off of Idol (but to a much, much lesser degree. I had more money riding on him than Dia).

Hopefully America doesn't screw up next season, in which I will (most likely) appear. You better vote me through, America! Look for me on either American Idol or The Voice, struggling to sing and play the banjo (which I'm still learning. I guess the only song I'll be able to sing is Hush Little Baby).
Until then...

No comments:

Post a Comment