The Voice: And the Winner Is...

Who's ready to find out who the winner of The Voice is? I am (if only so this show will finally end)! So now, let's get it started.

Two observations right off the bat: Beverly is wearing a trench coat suit (cool), and Dia's hair is cut, or styled, ridiculously short (not cool). She looks like a geisha or something.
Onto the real stuff.

Vicci Martinez with Pat Monahan

I'm crrrazy! Just like Train's hair.

If you're like me, you're asking, "Who is Pat Monahan?" Apparently, he's some dude from Train (awesome band). Hold the phone! This Pat guy is the singer from Train. I had always called him train, I guess I just learned something new.Vicci and Train (this is how I will refer to him) are singing my favorite song of his, "Drops of Jupiter." Quality song. Train sounded great, and Vicci sounded just alright. I'm not sure this was the best pairing for her, Vicci should have been with someone a little crazy - not someone with crazy hair (seriously, Train's hair looked like he was just electrocuted). Despite that, this was one of Vicci's best performances, but it came just a little too late, huh?

CeeLo mumbled his admiration for Vicci, and I couldn't understand a word he said. But, I did love his blinged-out track suit (where can I get me one of those?).

Javier Colon with Stevie Nicks

I don't want to be a head nudist.

They got Stevie Nicks to come on this crap-tacular (copyrighted by Rachel) show? Wow. Someone must have done something they aren't proud of to get her, if you know what I mean... Something like being a producer on this show! Oh, snap.
Anyway, Javier decided to keep his Nude Head look. I can't decide whether or not I like it. Stevie Nicks keeps doing this weird thing with her hand, and it's really freaking me out. Also, Javier and Stevie are both acting and looking like they're a little high... Were they smoking pot together before the show? That would explain a lot. (By the way, I'm only kind of kidding.) I don't have anything serious to say about this performance, not that I ever have anything serious to say in general. This song annoys me a lot, and Stevie's weird hand movements are a huge distraction to me.
Adam Levine was about to cry - out of boredom? Because I was about to do that, too. Also, Adam almost implied that singing with Stevie Nicks was better than getting married or having kids (looks like someone is a tad jealous - Adam really needs to get over Javier).

Whoa! I just saw Christina practically grab her boobs. She gets stranger and stranger by the minute.

Have I annoyed you to tears yet?

Beverly McClellan with Ryan Tedder

I like singing with Teddy Bears...or at least Ryan Teddy Bear.

I want to call him Ryan Teddy Bear, because that's what I thought of when I heard his name. Fun Fact: OneRepublic is a hometown band! Woot woot (unfortunately, I'm not a very big fan).
I think this was a weird pairing. In fact, this performance is a mess. Ryan Teddy Bear doesn't sound very good live, and Beverly totally screwed up that screaming note, but decided to push through it anyway. Not a good choice. Ugh, this does not sound good at all! I've decided that I will never see Ryan Teddy Bear and OneRepublic in concert, because he is not good at all. The best part of the song was when Ryan Teddy Bear sang something about Colorado (I'm really trying to milk this nickname while I have a chance). Otherwise, this was a badly sung, weirdly danced, mess of a performance.
Christina looked skanky and complimented Beverly for being awesome. Then she tried, once again, to make a better image of herself by calling the judges "the brothers I never had." They must hate having the sister they never wanted.

Dia Frampton with Miranda Lambert

I. Will. Win!

I want to see a girl fight onstage. Why? Because I have a feeling that Miranda must be jealous of all of Blake's flirting with the soon-to-be winner of this show.
Anywhoo... They're singing Lambert's hit song "The House That Built Me." Miranda has a pink bedazzled microphone, and she kind of sounds sick (is that she is supposed to sound?). Dia's new hair is stupid!!! It makes me so mad that I'm using an excessive amount of exclamation points!!!!! She loses my vote just for that. Ugh this song is way too slow, they've pretty much lost my interest. Side note: there's a partial orchestra in the background. I've always loved when that's in a song, it makes it ten times cooler (except for in this instance). On another side note, I'm pretty sure I saw Miranda glare at Dia in jealousy. (I really want to start the rumor of Miranda hating Dia. Help me make it spread like wildfire!)
Blake is about to admit his undying love for Dia and his upcoming divorce from Miranda... No? Well darn, I was hoping for some drama. Instead, Blake just told Dia that she's like family to him now (that's practically and invitation to join them for Thanksgiving).

Okay, now it's time for 3 hearts breaking and 1 heart making (I know that doesn't make sense, but I really wanted it to rhyme), but 4 people crying...
The Moment of Truth
It's time to find out the winner... But, more importantly, it's time to find out whether I gain or lose $1 million (looking back on it, that might have been a bit of an extreme wager).
I hope they don't stretch this out and make everyone nearly pee their pants. Oh wait, Carson decided to make the contestants' hearts stop by announcing, "The voting was extremely close...that the top two were within only 2% of each other." Wow, let me think about that for a minute... No, wait, TELL ME THE RESULTS!!
Top Two Artists: Dia Frampton (duh!) and Javier Colon.
I have a lot of money riding on this...I better be right. Oh, and good-bye Not-Winners (aka losers), Beverly McClellan and Vicci Martinez.

And finally, after waiting for much too long...
The Winner.......JAVIER COLON!

What up, bitches?

Wait, what the eff??? Why would America vote for a guy who thinks lullabies can be about dead people, and whose last name reminds me of the organ that produces crap???
Booo!!!
Dia should have won, because she was truly an artist (and also because I just lost $1 million, which I didn't even have to begin with). How disappointing... This is like when James Durbin got voted off of Idol (but to a much, much lesser degree. I had more money riding on him than Dia).

Hopefully America doesn't screw up next season, in which I will (most likely) appear. You better vote me through, America! Look for me on either American Idol or The Voice, struggling to sing and play the banjo (which I'm still learning. I guess the only song I'll be able to sing is Hush Little Baby).
Until then...

The Voice: The Final Showdown

Hello, America! It's time for The Voice: The Final Showdown.
The top 4 contestants will compete for the ultimate prize...winning the show! And a recording contract and other stuff, I think... Let's do this!!

So the show opens with the judges singing "Under Pressure." They tried to make it sound all touching and stuff, but it souds so cheesy. And to top it off, CeeLo is wearing a red bathrobe (at least I'm assuming that's what it is). This song makes me think that the producers were just trying to fill time. Bad way to fill the time, producers.

Here's the low down for tonight: First, they'll sing an original song. This part makes me super excited. American Idol needed this, and this shows true artistry (and I can't wait to see what Dia Frampton does). Then, the contestants will sing a duet with their coaches/judges (which is weird).

Javier Colon

I have a hat for everyday of the week.

Adam fell in love with Javier. He clearly didn't learn the lesson about never falling for a married man (tsk, tsk).
Presenting his original song (but I don't think he wrote it): "Stitch By Stitch" about being a family man. Awesome.
Tonight Javier ditched his baseball cap for a leather hat that matches his jacket. Here's my thoughts: Javier had a decent voice, but it doesn't have the "wow" factor. He also keeps screwing up on some of the notes, and it doesn't sound great. Not to mention that the lyrics to this song are terrible (and cheesy). Seems like Javier is ready to sell out to the pop genre. Congratulations, dude. You'll be a successful sell out.
Now it's time to hear the overly enthusiastic judges gush over Javier's "family man" song. So Blake made no comment about his performance, Christina loved it, CeeLo talked nonsense but loved it. Adam got all choked up to try and garner some votes for Javier (what's in it for him, anyway?).
Overall Grade: B-

Dia Frampton feat. Blake Shelton
"I Won't Back Down" is the duet they'll be singing together. I'm sure Dia will rock it out! I want to make a wager: I wager $1 million that she'll win. (And if I'm wrong, then I'm deleting the previous sentence tomorrow.)
I have to admit...I love the sunglasses and suits thing. They kind of look like the Men in Black. Dia's voice sounds awesome, and her voice works well with Blake's. There's not much else to say about this performance, except that it's AWESOME. Boom. Oh, actually there is something else to say (sorry that I lied): I love their guitars, they're camo! Rock 'n roll.
Overall Grade: A-

Vicci Martinez

So, once again, the original song isn't really original - someone else wrote it. That angers me! Write your own damn songs! But whatever, we'll see what Vicci can do.
This (not really) original song is called "Afraid to Sleep." That's exactly how I feel. Insomniacs, unite!
This immediately shot down a ton of points because of the pre-recorded echoing of her voice in at the end of lines. How cheesy! And, to add to the cheesiness, everyone in the audience was given a glow stick to wave in the air (lame). The lyrics to this song suck, I hate pop music more than I can accurately describe. My thoughts: with Vicci, it's a hit or a miss on hitting notes. Sometimes she sounds great, but others it sounds terrible. I think she gets a bit too excited. The lyrics of the song killed it for me.
Let's hear the judges sugar coat their opinions. Tell it like it is, guys! Sheesh. Adam called her "a powerful little thing," and gave her his pants (weird, because either he wears girl's pants or she wears guy's pants). Blake and Christina blah blah blah-ed it up. And CeeLo sparkled in his bedazzled bathrobe and tried to sound philosophical.
Overall Grade: C

I am skipping through the crap-tacular (this is copyrighted by me, but I'll let you use it) Pitbull and Nee-Yo. I like listening to talented singers - which is why I can't wait to stop watching The Voice.

Beverly McClellan feat. Christina Aguliera
Guess what song Christina chose? "Beautiful." Gosh, she sure has a huge head, by choosing her own song and gushing about how awesome it is. I'm just glad that Beverly is singing it, as well because she is unique and talented.
Beverly starts it off sounding awesome, and then...Christina steps in, and tries to overshadow the contestant (but this isn't shocking). I think it's awesome that Beverly got to sing this, because you can feel the emotion behind the words for her. Her voice sounds great, very strong performance for Beverly (Christina, on the other hand, should probably sing different songs). I dug it! If Dia doesn't win, Beverly should. Actually, Beverly should win but I think Dia will win.
Overall Grade: A

Dia Frampton

She may be shy, but mess with her, and that coffee will be thrown in your face.

I'm really mad because Dia didn't get to choose her own original song! That must make her frustrated, because she's spent years writing her own lyrics. Dia is an artist, and she should be able to use her own music.
Here is "original" song "Inventing Shadows."
Dia took to the piano to sing this new song (when she should be singing her own song). Her voice is so unique and she shows so much emotion, and I love that about her. Unfortunately, the lyrics aren't the great so she probably isn't feeling as emotionally connected to this song. Also, the guys who are dancing behind the screens to seem shadows is super cheesy (my mom pointed out tht strippers usually do that).
Christina didn't even compliment Dia, but instead talked about herself (that's the point of being a judge). CeeLo said her song will be number 1 on iTunes, I sure hope so. Adam pointed out that the theatrics were stupid (agreed!). Blake pointed out that Dia is awesome.
Overall Grade: A- I'm still just angry that she didn't get to write her own song.

Javier Colon feat. Adam Levine
They'll be talking "Man in the Mirror" for their duet. How magical!
Javier removed his hat again! He looks old again, but better. Yeah, that might be a contradiction, but oh well. I'm not taking this performance seriously (sorry, guys). I think Adam should have chosen his own song, "Moves Like Jagger." Because, really, that song inspires me. Seriously though, their voices sound pretty good together. They're both high pitched, pop enhanced voices.
Overall Grade: B-

So, I skipped through Brad Paisley (sorry, bud). But I did see him pull Blake Shelton up onstage. Comradery at its finest.

Beverly McClellan

I hope there's a bagpipe in this song! If there is anything resembling pop music in this song, I'm giving up (on what? I'm glad you asked. This terrible show, is what).
This song has tons of crescendo, and it's called "Love Sick." Here we go again...
There's too much drum in this song, it's kind of poppy and rock-ish. I was hoping for some bagpipes or Beverly playing the piano, but it looks like I've been let down. Here's the thing...I'm not a fan of this song. It feels like the opposite of Beverly's style, and the horrible lyrics don't help (seriously, whoever they hired to write these songs should be fired or executed immediately). Beverly's short time at the piano was the highlight of the song...that's when her voice sounded the best, too. I'm more disappointed with the song than Beverly's voice.
CeeLo is like a philosopher, in a blinding bathrobe. Adam sat there and looked hot (I barely listen when he talks, he's just eye candy for me). Blake said, "If music were crack, you would have a serious problem." Story of my life... Christina gushed and gushed and blah blah blah.
Overall Grade: B for Beverly

Vicci Martinez feat. CeeLo Green
For this "explosive" duet, they'll be singing "Love is a Battlefield." I'm not completely sure what CeeLo said most of the time, but I did hear him say something about "whipper snappers."
So, according to Vicci and CeeLo, this will be epic (it sure seems that way). A rock version of a classic ballad, I can't wait.
CeeLo comes out looking like a character from World of Warcraft with young children bowing to him (that worries me). These over-the-top theatrics are ridiculous and super distracting. Also, my mom said, "CeeLo really is a freak." True that. I really liked the idea of making this into a rock song, but I much preferred watching this with my eyes closed (see what I did there?).
Overall Grade: D+ The ridiculous theatrics and CeeLo's semblance to a demon earned this performance a low grade.

Okay guys, vote smartly (Dia, Beverly, Dia, Beverly). The fate of these singers is in your hands. Don't screw this up like you did with American Idol!
And with that, good night (vote for Dia).

The Voice: Announcing The Final Four

Hello America. Let me be honest with you guys... I have only seen the last 12 minutes of The Voice because I was out and did not know the show was on at 7. So I apologize for this relatively lame-ish post! I feel pretty embarrassed (not really)...
Forgive me? Thanks.

So, I don't know all the other drama that went down in the previous 48 minutes of the show. So all you get is who moves on and my opinion.

CeeLo's Team: Vicci Martinez

My dog days are over, losers.

She has decent vocals. Although I was hoping Nakia would stay (mostly so I could still refer to him as The Resident Caveman).

Adam's Team: Javier Colon

He has a decent voice. Although I don't remember much from his performance last night, other than him taking off his baseball cap (which, apparently, was more exiting than his singing).

Blake's Team: Dia Frampton

Woot woot! Give it up for true artists. I really like Dia, if only because she is truly artistic and writes her own music. I have tons of respect for that. Nice job, America!

Christina's Team: Beverly McClellan

Guess who thinks this is awesome? Me. I love people who are interesting, unique, and different, and Beverly is all of that. The tattoos, the bald head (and hopefully a sax and/bagpipes next week), all of it make for coolness.

Well, good luck contestants! It's time for America to pick the best of the worst. And the winner is announced next week. That's way too early (just another reason why American Idol is better).
Toodle-oo!

The Voice: Let's Judge the Suck Factor of the Semi-Finals

Time for The Voice and Distracting Theatrics. It's the semi-finals, and it's about to get real. Stay tuned!

Christina's hair resembles a trashy Marie Antoinette tonight (seriously, crimped and pink stripes?). How fantastic.
Also, CeeLo is wearing TWO giant, bedazzled watches. Why two? In case one time happens to be a little off?
Does anyone else realize how The Voice never brags about the tons of votes (or lack thereof) they receive? That can't be good.

CeeLo's New Team: (If the Thompson Sisters get picked to stay, I'm throwing in the towel.)
-Vicci Martinez (America's save - Excellent job, America. Despite the suck factor of this show, you picked a relatively talented vocalist.)
and
-Nakia (CeeLo's choice - After about 10 minutes of intense deliberation and consulting both watches, he picked the Resident Caveman. He was right though, I do agree with this decision.)

Adam's New Team: (First, if Devin is picked I may or may not pitch a fit. Second, Adam is hot. That's all I have to say about that. How about a picture of this hottie?)

50% of our audience tunes in just to see my gorgeous face.

-Javier Colon (America's save - Nice job once again, America. Although this guy thinks children's lullabies could be about dead people, he has a semi-decent voice.)
and
-Casey Weston (Adam's choice - Look, Adam, I gotta thank you for not picking Devin, the singer worse than me, or Jeff, the Bieber Fish. But Casey is annoying, and she copied Taylor Swift's heart thing just now. New nickname, Taylor Swift Wannabe.)

Now it's time for the great music and distracting theatrics! Only of the previous assertions is true (hint: not the great music part).

Frenchie Davis

This bald, lovely lady will be singing "Like a Prayer." I think Frenchie belongs in church with Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk.
Wow this isn't very good at the beginning. Her vocals sound off and forced, and it's not at all what it should sound like. Also, the supposed church singers aren't dancing like they would in church. So, Frenchie stepped it up at the end of the song (but not soon enough for me to enjoy this song). All in all, this was a very annoying performance. Christina tried way too hard to combine church and dance music and the result was chaos.
The judges all seem to love Miss Frenchie Davis. I'm indifferent. Oh, Christina complimented Frenchie's lungs (boobs?).
Overall Grade: C

Nakia aka Resident Caveman

Who is apparently a diva. He was being fanned backstage. That would never happen on American Idol.
He will be performing "What Do You Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert. Hey, guess who realized that the way to make The Voice better was by adding some Idol into it? CeeLo. Congrats, man.
He has taken to the piano, which is always a good sign. After the beginning of this song, The Resident Caveman really kicked it into gear (he even kicked over the piano chair, which I was going to suggest before he did it). Here's my issue with Nakia: he isn't very consistent within a song. He has strong moments (such as the chorus), but he lost my interest during the verses because the vocal strength just wasn't there. I was expecting more oomph. Still pretty good, though.
Whoa, Adam! Nakia sang it better than "the original artist"? I don't think so, Mister. Adam Lambert is kick ass. Then Blake Shelton also insulted Lambert by saying it was like an award show performance, but on tune. (What a jerk.)
Overall Grade: C

Dia Frampton

Fun factoid about Miss Dia: She and her sister have a band called Meg & Dia. I checked them out, and they're not that great (despite Dia's wonderful voice), but you might like them.
She's singing "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. Love this song! Wow Dia is truly an artist, reminiscent of James' and Paul's directing abilities (it comes from being awesome).
Wow this is haunting already. Seriously, I dig Dia's originality, but it's genuine. Her voice is beautiful and I love the clapping thing (although I'm pretty sure that's in the original too). Also, Dia started rocking out while playing the guitar, which I love. This girl is rad! She can rock out while still being a cute, innocent singer. Way to go. Still, she's a bit too modest. Own your talent!
Christina expressed some jealousy of Dia's awesomeness. She's probably pissed she didn't pick Dia.
Overall Grade: B+ Yep! Can you believe it? I liked this song, and Dia has shown she's really an artist.

Side Bar: Some people have complained about the American Idol judges being softies, but I'm convinced these guys are worse. Seriously. There are no mentions of pitchiness and no boos from the audience (which I'm convinced is necessary).

Casey Weston aka Taylor Swift Wannabe

I wish I were Taylor Swift. And that my voice would mature past age 5.

This girl with an annoyingly high voice (that makes her sound like a 5 year old) will be singing "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston.
Ugh it's way too shaky. I hate it already, stop being nervous! It sounds like Casey is singing into a fan (which I used to find funny as a kid, but now it's just stupid). Another annoying part: They are trying to make her the Lauren Alaina of The Voice. She's sickeningly sweet, and she always wears cowboy boots with prom dresses (stupid).
So, Blake pretty much implied he would dump his wife for this hot, recent high school grad. That's a problem. Casey's gots to go.
Overall Grade: D+

Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguliera
They'll be singing "Moves Like Jagger." Quite frankly, the title alone annoys me already. I really like Maroon 5, but Christina has gotten on my nerves more than usual since I started watching this dumb show.
Adam doesn't sound as good as he usually does, but what can you do (except complain)? I'm pretty sure he's singing about having sex with a girl, like Mick Jagger has sex... How does he know what that's like? But seriously, this song is quite terrible. Then Christina and her trashy Marie Antoinette hair came onstage...and it got even worse. I can easily and gladly go the rest of my life without hearing this song again.
PS - Is Christina pregnant? Or does she just have a little bit of a belly...?
PPS - My dad and I have had many discussions about Maroon 5, and we're convinced they can and will never top their first album (which was spectacular). How unfortunate. But they'll keep trying anyway, with terrible songs about Mick Jagger.

Side Bar: Try outs for the next season of The Voice start now! I'm going to try out with my banjo (I'm teaching myself to play right now). If Devin Barley can make it with his horribly horrible voice, I can make it with my marginally better voice.

Beverly McClellan

Christina picked for her to sing "The Thrill is Gone." I want to hear bagpipes and/or a saxophone. Preferably both, but I'm lenient. Hey Christina, Beverly is the contestant, not you (get off the damn mic)!
I like this lady. She is unique and her voice captures your attention. Plus, there's an orchestra and red piano (which makes up for the lack of sax and bagpipes). Beverly is an artist, and it is apparent she really loves music. Also, she's one of the only contestants that is consistent, within a song. She reminds me of a female James Durbin! And that is the highest compliment I can give.
The judges love this quirky artist. She's pretty kick ass.
Overall Grade: B+ I know, I know, what? Two B+s in one night? I guess I'm feeling nice.

Javier Colon

He'll be singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. I think he could pull this off.
Javier has a great voice, but there is a problem: his baseball cap. That thing needs to go when he's onstage. He listened to me, it's gone now (but now he looks older, to be honest... Put it back on).
Anyway, the vocals were good too. I'm verging on sleep (it's late, and I had a long day at the, uh, office), so I'm not fully aware of what's happening on the show. But the ending of this song was beautiful. Javier sings with tons of emotion in his voice. Awesome.
The judges are more excited about Javier taking off his hat than his actual vocals. Because that's the important thing to talk about. Then CeeLo dropped names (Chris and Gwyneth). Adam mocked him and said, "Hi I'm CeeLo and I know celebrities." Classic.
Overall Grade: B

I'm skipping through Blake Shelton. But first, there are two special guests which I will guess: Miranda Lambert and CeeLo.
Dammit I was wrong. The special guests are Dia and Xenia. This song is ridiculous, it belongs in a children's cartoon (this is country gone bad).

Xenia (this name should not be pronounced the way it is, because the spelling gets me all confused)

This is my prison-esque dress.

She's performing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. Ooh, I want someone to attempt to sing Mumford & Sons (and then crash and burn, and Marcus and Winston somehow appear onstage and it turns into a full-fledged concert. Well, a girl can dream...).
I did not realize how good this girl's voice is. I'm going to give her Best Performance of the Night and be done with. (Minus that one awkward note, this was as flawless as a 16 year old singer can get.) Her tone is stunning, and so bluesy. Gotta love it. She needed a saxophone.
The judges adored her. And I sense a hint of jealousy in the other judges' voices. Xenia could (and probably will) win this thing.
Overall Grade: A- Sheesh, I am way too nice tonight!

Vicci Martinez

"Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. Love this song! Guess what? Florence + The Machine are on The Colbert Report tonight. I should be watching that right now...
Her hair is way too high. This is my least favorite of Vicci's performances, and, to be quite honest, her voice is kind of annoying in this song. But I did think the drum thing was pretty cool (despite how much I hate the over-the-top theatrics of this show). Not a fan tonight.
Adam liked her hair? You crazy, boy. Blake called this the most powerful of the night, but I think it was the most psycho performance of the night (okay, that might be a bit much).
Overall Grade: C

So, the voting is weird. I don't feel like explaining it, because your brain might explode. But pretty much America AND the judges decide who moves on (how American Idol should be, to prevent James Durbin from not winning).
Until next time (tomorrow)!

PS - The producers of The Voice need to turn off the damn fans. They're inside, their hair isn't really going to move like that. Thanks.

The Voice: Semi-Finals, Adam and Cee Lo's Teams Perform (Terribly)

Dear Blogosphere,
I'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode of "The Voice." I'm sure you're devastated, but I didn't even have a desire to watch. I do this for you!
Love,
Rachel

Have we annoyed the crap out of you yet?

So let's get this thing started. First, a quick recap from what I missed last week.
Christina and Blake's teams performed (and judging by the recap, they all did terrible), and they sang.

Before we get to the rest of the (crappy) singers, we have to see which of the (talentless) competitors made it to the next round.
Voting was open for a week (that's more than enough time for people to lose interest). One singer from each team will make it, then Christina and Blake will choose one more person. So, basically, two people from each team are eliminated.

Christina's new team (she's fake crying her way through this elimination while her orange boobs pop out of her dress):
Beverly McClellan (America's save - sweet, she wore a kilt and she's bald, I like her already)

and
Frenchie Davis (Christina's choice - apparently, this was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. She clearly hasn't made many hard decisions)

Christina's team is now comprised of two bald women.

Blake's team: Later in the show? Thanks, Carson! Way to be like Ryan Seacrest.

Tonight, Adam and Cee Lo's teams are competing. Exhilarating.

Tori & Taylor Thompson
So I just learned that the judges/coaches pick the songs for the artists (dumb). An all-red clad Cee Lo chose "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" by the Andrews Sisters. Well, this sounds like a song from The Wiggles to me (which actually makes sense, with their alliterative names).
Performance:
Sorry, I didn't realize this was a pageant competition! What the eff are these ridiculous sisters wearing? I can already tell you this will be terrible. I don't understand the whole choreographed, full out performance thing (this show is called "The Voice," if I'm not mistaken), but it's probably to distract from the obvious lack of talent. The Thompson Sisters sound terrible. In the words of my mom, "These girls do have something going for them, their cleavage." That's the only way they'll get votes.
While judging, Christina had to relate it to herself, of course. She enjoyed "the legs coming at me." Awesome. Oh, and they make Cee Lo proud to be an American. Strange, because I had the complete opposite feeling.
Overall Grade (new thing I'm trying): F

Casey Weston
Adam picked "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" for her to sing. This girl kind of annoys me.
Interesting, I didn't realize that a good way to showcase talent is to sing it exactly as it is sang by the original artist. What the eff is this show? Dancing backup singers, guys playing trash cans (like Stomp), and bizarre angles of her performance. I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'll continue to say it: This show sucks. Casey's voice is grating and I don't want to listen to this. She has missed quite a few notes or sang them wrong, and this was not very good.
I disagree with the judges/coaches. This was not a good performance.
Overall Grade: C

Vicci Martinez
Cee Lo chose "Jolene" for Vicci. I love this song! When Brooke White sang this on season 7 of American Idol, I immediately loved it (I bet Brooke did it better).
Vicci is one of the few contestants I actually like on this train wreck of a show. The acoustic in the beginning was pretty, and quite frankly, she should have continued with that. But I hate the candle set-up, totally cheesy. Vicci's voice works with this song, it isn't forced and works very well with the lyrics and feel of the song. But, she sang it at almost the exact tempo as the original (although it felt different).
The judges dig it. Christina said some stuff about it being sexy. Guess who needs more bronzer? Christina. Seriously, I don't think she's orange or sparkly enough yet.
Overall Grade: B

Devin Barley
Yuck. Anyone who reads this blog knows how much I hate this kid. Adam chose "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic for him to sing (it's going to be terrible, it's just so overdone).
Blow your nose! Clear your sinuses! Or stop singing like you're sick! (No one should naturally sound like he does, it's clearly a forced, faked originality. It doesn't work.) Agh! It's too painful to watch. This is possibly the least talented person I've ever heard sing (and I've heard myself sing). This poor guy literally cannot hit any note. He should've stopped before he began. The only amusing part? Devin started grinding on the mic stand. Adam said he should treat the mic stand as an anchor, not a stripper pole.
Carson asked, "Are you glad that's over?" YES!! Oh, and Christina hit on him while twirling her giant braid, then her miscellaneous tiny braids (seriously, is she ten? An adult woman should never wear her hair like that).
Overall Grade: F--

Quick montage: Cee Lo's team members in robes (something I did not want to see). I'm not sure why he had them all wear robes, but I think we can figure out they're at a spa. Also, Cee Lo encouraged murder and the use of nun chucks. Umm...
Oh great, this love fest isn't over. Now they're all dressed as hippies and singing some lame song. I'm fast forwarding. My brain cannot handle this corniness.

Nakia
For The Resident Caveman, Cee Lo chose "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon. Well, alrighty then.
So, I think Nakia's voice can definitely pull off the Kings of Leon sound - but that is precisely the problem (for me). He should sing something that is a challenge, that surprises us when he can pull it off. No doubt, this was a solid performance, but nothing that blew me away. Oh, and did you see the fire dancers? See what they did there, since he's singing "Sex on Fire" (nice attempt to be clever, Cee Lo)?
Blake is turned on by Nakia. How will his new wife, Miranda Lambert, feel about this new knowledge?
Overall Grade: B-

Jeff Jenkins
Adam chose "Jesus Take the Wheel" for this Southern boy. I love this song, I love Carrie Underwood, and I don't want to hear him destroy this song (in a bad way).
This poor guy looks like a sad fish, with gross Bieber hair (family tradition, we compare people to animals all the time). I already don't like it. He's cheesing it up on stage by looking off when he's singing to try to look thoughtful. Ugh this is horrendous! He literally has no talent and no cool factor (although they clearly tried, by putting him in a lame leather jacket that he would otherwise never wear). When he dragged out the "wheel" near the end, it was so bad. Jeff cannot hit notes!
Overall Grade: D+

Now Team Adam assembled and they talked and then performed some horrible rendition of what was probably a good song. I'm skipping through it because it might make me puke.

Curtis Grimes
Cee Lo chose "Addicted to Love," to challenge him to make it country. Awesome.
Guess who he kind of sounds like (but not as deep)? America's favorite teenage country star, Scotty McCreery, Flute Extraordinaire. America loves country music, so I predict him as the winner.
This humble, conservative guy has strippers dressed as cowgirls parading around the stage (how stupid). His voice is way too quiet for this song. The instruments overpower his voice, which could be halfway decent if he was singing an actual country song. But whatever, I don't make the important, executive decisions Cee Lo has to make (which clearly involves hiring strippers to dance on stage).
Adam's comment is that he really wears a cowboy hat well. Okay, thanks for that helpful criticism. Then the other judges talked about themselves some more. I didn't think it was possible, but these judges are worse and more ADD than the ones from American Idol.
Overall Grade: C

And, finally, the last performance of the night (I was worried this would never end).
Javier Colon (pronounced like the sweet smelling fragrance, not the gross body part)
Adam chose "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. Another song I adore, and if it is ruined I will cry every time I hear it (not that I don't already, what with the association of the heartbreaking ASPCA commercials).
Javier said this reminds him of a lullaby he would sing to his children. Yeah, of course. When I couldn't sleep as a baby my parents would sing songs to me about a dead person. Very comforting to young children.
Javier has a pretty good voice (probably the best of Adam's team), and this was a solid performance. Nothing remarkable either way, but probably good enough to keep him through to next week. No matter how mediocre this is (but, in terms of The Voice's level of talent, mediocre = show stopping), Sarah McLachlan's version is amazing to an exponential degree. I give up on Javier now.
Christina flirted with him, of course. That's her shtick, unnecessarily flirting with nervous contestants. Nice.
Overall Grade: B

Onto more eliminations. Goodbye, losers (harsh? Yes).
Blake's New Team:
Dia Frampton (America's save - good decision, America. She's actually talented.)

and
Xenia (Blake's choice - I don't know who she is. That's all I have to say about that.)

Okay America, enjoy your recap. Tune in next week for another snarky, unnecessarily (but hilariously) rude commentary on this talentless talent competition.
Good night!

The Voice: The Singers Duke it Out Vocally - Part 1.5

Aaand she's back. It's time for Part 1.5 of my recap of The Voice.
In the first half, Frenchie Davis made it from Christina Aguliera's team, and Patrick Thomas made it from Blake Shelton's team. Let's see who moves on and who is defeated in the second half.

Next up is Adam Levine's team. This man is gorgeous. Take a look.

Eye candy? Yes, indeed.

Casey Weston vs. Tim Mahoney
They will sing "Leather and Lace." Umm... Casey has an annoyingly high voice, I cannot listen to her talk.
Adam Blackstone, who helps out in Maroon 5, is aiding these hopeful talents (?) in singing together. Let me be honest, I'm not a huge fan of the voices on this show, but I do like how the judges/coaches help out their team. The more of Adam Levine, the better.
Onto the actual performance. Whoa, they made Casey look like a slut. Her dad was afraid to say it, but I'm not.
Singing critique: Casey's voice is interesting, but I'm not sure how much I like it. It's shaky, but in a nervous way, and I think she could use some finetuning. Tim's voice is much better. He has a certain rasp and uniqueness to his voice, but he makes weird faces when he sings (like he's in pain). I could care less about which one goes home, but I like Tim slightly better than Casey, so I'd pick him to win. So Cee Lo said that Casey sounds like Stevie Nicks, and then mumbled some nonsense (he needs captions on this show).
Winner: Casey Weston. So...clearly I cannot pick winners. Casey just annoys me, though, but here she is.

Next up are singers from Cee Lo's team. Why does he wear all red? It hurts my eyes.
Here's an image of that:

 He's a big boy, with a big voice. Hey, news alert (well, maybe not to some more informed readers):
 Cee Lo used to sing in Gnarls Barkley. Mind blown.


So, we got Vicci Martinez vs. Niki Dawson. Vicci and Niki! Yeah.
"Perfect" by Pink is the song they will sing. I love this song, so hopefully they do it justice.
I like Vicci's voice better than Niki voice. It has a lot of soul and it's unique, which I clearly enjoy. Niki on the other hand sounds a little too pop for me. During rehearsal, Cee Lo loves it. He waddled around the stage in his head-to-toe red outfit, seemingly conflicted.
Into the ring they go! First of all, Niki's hair is ridiculous (did she forget to take out the curler?), and an animal is trying to escape from her pants. These things may pose a problem. Vicci's voice sounds awesome in this song, her uniqueness isn't forced, like some of the other contestants. Niki is good, too, but I'm not as big of a fan. But, let's face it, they kind of sound very similar. This performance was pretty decent. I choose Vicci as a winner.
Adam Levine loved that duet, as did I. Blake Shelton said that they're both pretty awesome. Christina Aguliera sang.
Winner: Vicci Martinez.
Awesome, I was right this time! Let's take a look at the winner.

I really like this picture. And, hey, guess what? Vicci appeared on American Idol before The Voice. I think we can ascertain which show is better...

And with that, I am off to prepare myself for American Idol. See you lovely people tonight!