Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Voice: Let's Judge the Suck Factor of the Semi-Finals

Time for The Voice and Distracting Theatrics. It's the semi-finals, and it's about to get real. Stay tuned!

Christina's hair resembles a trashy Marie Antoinette tonight (seriously, crimped and pink stripes?). How fantastic.
Also, CeeLo is wearing TWO giant, bedazzled watches. Why two? In case one time happens to be a little off?
Does anyone else realize how The Voice never brags about the tons of votes (or lack thereof) they receive? That can't be good.

CeeLo's New Team: (If the Thompson Sisters get picked to stay, I'm throwing in the towel.)
-Vicci Martinez (America's save - Excellent job, America. Despite the suck factor of this show, you picked a relatively talented vocalist.)
-Nakia (CeeLo's choice - After about 10 minutes of intense deliberation and consulting both watches, he picked the Resident Caveman. He was right though, I do agree with this decision.)

Adam's New Team: (First, if Devin is picked I may or may not pitch a fit. Second, Adam is hot. That's all I have to say about that. How about a picture of this hottie?)
50% of our audience tunes in just to see my gorgeous face.
-Javier Colon (America's save - Nice job once again, America. Although this guy thinks children's lullabies could be about dead people, he has a semi-decent voice.)
-Casey Weston (Adam's choice - Look, Adam, I gotta thank you for not picking Devin, the singer worse than me, or Jeff, the Bieber Fish. But Casey is annoying, and she copied Taylor Swift's heart thing just now. New nickname, Taylor Swift Wannabe.)

Now it's time for the great music and distracting theatrics! Only of the previous assertions is true (hint: not the great music part).

Frenchie Davis
This bald, lovely lady will be singing "Like a Prayer." I think Frenchie belongs in church with Jacob "I Gyrate for Jesus" Lusk.
Wow this isn't very good at the beginning. Her vocals sound off and forced, and it's not at all what it should sound like. Also, the supposed church singers aren't dancing like they would in church. So, Frenchie stepped it up at the end of the song (but not soon enough for me to enjoy this song). All in all, this was a very annoying performance. Christina tried way too hard to combine church and dance music and the result was chaos.
The judges all seem to love Miss Frenchie Davis. I'm indifferent. Oh, Christina complimented Frenchie's lungs (boobs?).
Overall Grade: C

Nakia aka Resident Caveman
Who is apparently a diva. He was being fanned backstage. That would never happen on American Idol.
He will be performing "What Do You Want From Me?" by Adam Lambert. Hey, guess who realized that the way to make The Voice better was by adding some Idol into it? CeeLo. Congrats, man.
He has taken to the piano, which is always a good sign. After the beginning of this song, The Resident Caveman really kicked it into gear (he even kicked over the piano chair, which I was going to suggest before he did it). Here's my issue with Nakia: he isn't very consistent within a song. He has strong moments (such as the chorus), but he lost my interest during the verses because the vocal strength just wasn't there. I was expecting more oomph. Still pretty good, though.
Whoa, Adam! Nakia sang it better than "the original artist"? I don't think so, Mister. Adam Lambert is kick ass. Then Blake Shelton also insulted Lambert by saying it was like an award show performance, but on tune. (What a jerk.)
Overall Grade: C

Dia Frampton
Fun factoid about Miss Dia: She and her sister have a band called Meg & Dia. I checked them out, and they're not that great (despite Dia's wonderful voice), but you might like them.
She's singing "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. Love this song! Wow Dia is truly an artist, reminiscent of James' and Paul's directing abilities (it comes from being awesome).
Wow this is haunting already. Seriously, I dig Dia's originality, but it's genuine. Her voice is beautiful and I love the clapping thing (although I'm pretty sure that's in the original too). Also, Dia started rocking out while playing the guitar, which I love. This girl is rad! She can rock out while still being a cute, innocent singer. Way to go. Still, she's a bit too modest. Own your talent!
Christina expressed some jealousy of Dia's awesomeness. She's probably pissed she didn't pick Dia.
Overall Grade: B+ Yep! Can you believe it? I liked this song, and Dia has shown she's really an artist.

Side Bar: Some people have complained about the American Idol judges being softies, but I'm convinced these guys are worse. Seriously. There are no mentions of pitchiness and no boos from the audience (which I'm convinced is necessary).

Casey Weston aka Taylor Swift Wannabe
I wish I were Taylor Swift. And that my voice would mature past age 5.
This girl with an annoyingly high voice (that makes her sound like a 5 year old) will be singing "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston.
Ugh it's way too shaky. I hate it already, stop being nervous! It sounds like Casey is singing into a fan (which I used to find funny as a kid, but now it's just stupid). Another annoying part: They are trying to make her the Lauren Alaina of The Voice. She's sickeningly sweet, and she always wears cowboy boots with prom dresses (stupid).
So, Blake pretty much implied he would dump his wife for this hot, recent high school grad. That's a problem. Casey's gots to go.
Overall Grade: D+

Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguliera
They'll be singing "Moves Like Jagger." Quite frankly, the title alone annoys me already. I really like Maroon 5, but Christina has gotten on my nerves more than usual since I started watching this dumb show.
Adam doesn't sound as good as he usually does, but what can you do (except complain)? I'm pretty sure he's singing about having sex with a girl, like Mick Jagger has sex... How does he know what that's like? But seriously, this song is quite terrible. Then Christina and her trashy Marie Antoinette hair came onstage...and it got even worse. I can easily and gladly go the rest of my life without hearing this song again.
PS - Is Christina pregnant? Or does she just have a little bit of a belly...?
PPS - My dad and I have had many discussions about Maroon 5, and we're convinced they can and will never top their first album (which was spectacular). How unfortunate. But they'll keep trying anyway, with terrible songs about Mick Jagger.

Side Bar: Try outs for the next season of The Voice start now! I'm going to try out with my banjo (I'm teaching myself to play right now). If Devin Barley can make it with his horribly horrible voice, I can make it with my marginally better voice.

Beverly McClellan
Christina picked for her to sing "The Thrill is Gone." I want to hear bagpipes and/or a saxophone. Preferably both, but I'm lenient. Hey Christina, Beverly is the contestant, not you (get off the damn mic)!
I like this lady. She is unique and her voice captures your attention. Plus, there's an orchestra and red piano (which makes up for the lack of sax and bagpipes). Beverly is an artist, and it is apparent she really loves music. Also, she's one of the only contestants that is consistent, within a song. She reminds me of a female James Durbin! And that is the highest compliment I can give.
The judges love this quirky artist. She's pretty kick ass.
Overall Grade: B+ I know, I know, what? Two B+s in one night? I guess I'm feeling nice.

Javier Colon
He'll be singing "Fix You" by Coldplay. I think he could pull this off.
Javier has a great voice, but there is a problem: his baseball cap. That thing needs to go when he's onstage. He listened to me, it's gone now (but now he looks older, to be honest... Put it back on).
Anyway, the vocals were good too. I'm verging on sleep (it's late, and I had a long day at the, uh, office), so I'm not fully aware of what's happening on the show. But the ending of this song was beautiful. Javier sings with tons of emotion in his voice. Awesome.
The judges are more excited about Javier taking off his hat than his actual vocals. Because that's the important thing to talk about. Then CeeLo dropped names (Chris and Gwyneth). Adam mocked him and said, "Hi I'm CeeLo and I know celebrities." Classic.
Overall Grade: B

I'm skipping through Blake Shelton. But first, there are two special guests which I will guess: Miranda Lambert and CeeLo.
Dammit I was wrong. The special guests are Dia and Xenia. This song is ridiculous, it belongs in a children's cartoon (this is country gone bad).

Xenia (this name should not be pronounced the way it is, because the spelling gets me all confused)
This is my prison-esque dress.
She's performing "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" by The Script. Ooh, I want someone to attempt to sing Mumford & Sons (and then crash and burn, and Marcus and Winston somehow appear onstage and it turns into a full-fledged concert. Well, a girl can dream...).
I did not realize how good this girl's voice is. I'm going to give her Best Performance of the Night and be done with. (Minus that one awkward note, this was as flawless as a 16 year old singer can get.) Her tone is stunning, and so bluesy. Gotta love it. She needed a saxophone.
The judges adored her. And I sense a hint of jealousy in the other judges' voices. Xenia could (and probably will) win this thing.
Overall Grade: A- Sheesh, I am way too nice tonight!

Vicci Martinez
"Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine. Love this song! Guess what? Florence + The Machine are on The Colbert Report tonight. I should be watching that right now...
Her hair is way too high. This is my least favorite of Vicci's performances, and, to be quite honest, her voice is kind of annoying in this song. But I did think the drum thing was pretty cool (despite how much I hate the over-the-top theatrics of this show). Not a fan tonight.
Adam liked her hair? You crazy, boy. Blake called this the most powerful of the night, but I think it was the most psycho performance of the night (okay, that might be a bit much).
Overall Grade: C

So, the voting is weird. I don't feel like explaining it, because your brain might explode. But pretty much America AND the judges decide who moves on (how American Idol should be, to prevent James Durbin from not winning).
Until next time (tomorrow)!

PS - The producers of The Voice need to turn off the damn fans. They're inside, their hair isn't really going to move like that. Thanks.

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