Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Voice: Semi-Finals, Adam and Cee Lo's Teams Perform (Terribly)

Dear Blogosphere,
I'd like to apologize for missing last week's episode of "The Voice." I'm sure you're devastated, but I didn't even have a desire to watch. I do this for you!
Have we annoyed the crap out of you yet?
So let's get this thing started. First, a quick recap from what I missed last week.
Christina and Blake's teams performed (and judging by the recap, they all did terrible), and they sang.

Before we get to the rest of the (crappy) singers, we have to see which of the (talentless) competitors made it to the next round.
Voting was open for a week (that's more than enough time for people to lose interest). One singer from each team will make it, then Christina and Blake will choose one more person. So, basically, two people from each team are eliminated.

Christina's new team (she's fake crying her way through this elimination while her orange boobs pop out of her dress):
Beverly McClellan (America's save - sweet, she wore a kilt and she's bald, I like her already)

Frenchie Davis (Christina's choice - apparently, this was the hardest decision she's ever had to make. She clearly hasn't made many hard decisions)

Christina's team is now comprised of two bald women.

Blake's team: Later in the show? Thanks, Carson! Way to be like Ryan Seacrest.

Tonight, Adam and Cee Lo's teams are competing. Exhilarating.

Tori & Taylor Thompson
So I just learned that the judges/coaches pick the songs for the artists (dumb). An all-red clad Cee Lo chose "Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy" by the Andrews Sisters. Well, this sounds like a song from The Wiggles to me (which actually makes sense, with their alliterative names).
Sorry, I didn't realize this was a pageant competition! What the eff are these ridiculous sisters wearing? I can already tell you this will be terrible. I don't understand the whole choreographed, full out performance thing (this show is called "The Voice," if I'm not mistaken), but it's probably to distract from the obvious lack of talent. The Thompson Sisters sound terrible. In the words of my mom, "These girls do have something going for them, their cleavage." That's the only way they'll get votes.
While judging, Christina had to relate it to herself, of course. She enjoyed "the legs coming at me." Awesome. Oh, and they make Cee Lo proud to be an American. Strange, because I had the complete opposite feeling.
Overall Grade (new thing I'm trying): F

Casey Weston
Adam picked "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" for her to sing. This girl kind of annoys me.
Interesting, I didn't realize that a good way to showcase talent is to sing it exactly as it is sang by the original artist. What the eff is this show? Dancing backup singers, guys playing trash cans (like Stomp), and bizarre angles of her performance. I've said it before, I'll say it again, and I'll continue to say it: This show sucks. Casey's voice is grating and I don't want to listen to this. She has missed quite a few notes or sang them wrong, and this was not very good.
I disagree with the judges/coaches. This was not a good performance.
Overall Grade: C

Vicci Martinez
Cee Lo chose "Jolene" for Vicci. I love this song! When Brooke White sang this on season 7 of American Idol, I immediately loved it (I bet Brooke did it better).
Vicci is one of the few contestants I actually like on this train wreck of a show. The acoustic in the beginning was pretty, and quite frankly, she should have continued with that. But I hate the candle set-up, totally cheesy. Vicci's voice works with this song, it isn't forced and works very well with the lyrics and feel of the song. But, she sang it at almost the exact tempo as the original (although it felt different).
The judges dig it. Christina said some stuff about it being sexy. Guess who needs more bronzer? Christina. Seriously, I don't think she's orange or sparkly enough yet.
Overall Grade: B

Devin Barley
Yuck. Anyone who reads this blog knows how much I hate this kid. Adam chose "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic for him to sing (it's going to be terrible, it's just so overdone).
Blow your nose! Clear your sinuses! Or stop singing like you're sick! (No one should naturally sound like he does, it's clearly a forced, faked originality. It doesn't work.) Agh! It's too painful to watch. This is possibly the least talented person I've ever heard sing (and I've heard myself sing). This poor guy literally cannot hit any note. He should've stopped before he began. The only amusing part? Devin started grinding on the mic stand. Adam said he should treat the mic stand as an anchor, not a stripper pole.
Carson asked, "Are you glad that's over?" YES!! Oh, and Christina hit on him while twirling her giant braid, then her miscellaneous tiny braids (seriously, is she ten? An adult woman should never wear her hair like that).
Overall Grade: F--

Quick montage: Cee Lo's team members in robes (something I did not want to see). I'm not sure why he had them all wear robes, but I think we can figure out they're at a spa. Also, Cee Lo encouraged murder and the use of nun chucks. Umm...
Oh great, this love fest isn't over. Now they're all dressed as hippies and singing some lame song. I'm fast forwarding. My brain cannot handle this corniness.

For The Resident Caveman, Cee Lo chose "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon. Well, alrighty then.
So, I think Nakia's voice can definitely pull off the Kings of Leon sound - but that is precisely the problem (for me). He should sing something that is a challenge, that surprises us when he can pull it off. No doubt, this was a solid performance, but nothing that blew me away. Oh, and did you see the fire dancers? See what they did there, since he's singing "Sex on Fire" (nice attempt to be clever, Cee Lo)?
Blake is turned on by Nakia. How will his new wife, Miranda Lambert, feel about this new knowledge?
Overall Grade: B-

Jeff Jenkins
Adam chose "Jesus Take the Wheel" for this Southern boy. I love this song, I love Carrie Underwood, and I don't want to hear him destroy this song (in a bad way).
This poor guy looks like a sad fish, with gross Bieber hair (family tradition, we compare people to animals all the time). I already don't like it. He's cheesing it up on stage by looking off when he's singing to try to look thoughtful. Ugh this is horrendous! He literally has no talent and no cool factor (although they clearly tried, by putting him in a lame leather jacket that he would otherwise never wear). When he dragged out the "wheel" near the end, it was so bad. Jeff cannot hit notes!
Overall Grade: D+

Now Team Adam assembled and they talked and then performed some horrible rendition of what was probably a good song. I'm skipping through it because it might make me puke.

Curtis Grimes
Cee Lo chose "Addicted to Love," to challenge him to make it country. Awesome.
Guess who he kind of sounds like (but not as deep)? America's favorite teenage country star, Scotty McCreery, Flute Extraordinaire. America loves country music, so I predict him as the winner.
This humble, conservative guy has strippers dressed as cowgirls parading around the stage (how stupid). His voice is way too quiet for this song. The instruments overpower his voice, which could be halfway decent if he was singing an actual country song. But whatever, I don't make the important, executive decisions Cee Lo has to make (which clearly involves hiring strippers to dance on stage).
Adam's comment is that he really wears a cowboy hat well. Okay, thanks for that helpful criticism. Then the other judges talked about themselves some more. I didn't think it was possible, but these judges are worse and more ADD than the ones from American Idol.
Overall Grade: C

And, finally, the last performance of the night (I was worried this would never end).
Javier Colon (pronounced like the sweet smelling fragrance, not the gross body part)
Adam chose "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. Another song I adore, and if it is ruined I will cry every time I hear it (not that I don't already, what with the association of the heartbreaking ASPCA commercials).
Javier said this reminds him of a lullaby he would sing to his children. Yeah, of course. When I couldn't sleep as a baby my parents would sing songs to me about a dead person. Very comforting to young children.
Javier has a pretty good voice (probably the best of Adam's team), and this was a solid performance. Nothing remarkable either way, but probably good enough to keep him through to next week. No matter how mediocre this is (but, in terms of The Voice's level of talent, mediocre = show stopping), Sarah McLachlan's version is amazing to an exponential degree. I give up on Javier now.
Christina flirted with him, of course. That's her shtick, unnecessarily flirting with nervous contestants. Nice.
Overall Grade: B

Onto more eliminations. Goodbye, losers (harsh? Yes).
Blake's New Team:
Dia Frampton (America's save - good decision, America. She's actually talented.)

Xenia (Blake's choice - I don't know who she is. That's all I have to say about that.)

Okay America, enjoy your recap. Tune in next week for another snarky, unnecessarily (but hilariously) rude commentary on this talentless talent competition.
Good night!

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