Alrighty, it's time for the show of scripted love, The Bachelorette. I kind of hate this show, but I watch it anyway.
1) I make fun of this show, a lot. That is really all I do. You will see a lot of hilarious nicknames and comments from me and my mom. If you truly love this show, you will hate this recap (seriously).
2) I'm excellent at picking the winners. Last season of The Bachelor, I saw the opening episode and said, "Emily is going to win." She did. I did the same with Jillian and Jason's seasons. Maybe I'll do it again.
So we open with a montage of Ashley's heartbreak from last season. So devastating.
And then they show us her interpretive dancing to the devastation of her breakup with Brad! Oh, and they show her wearing tons of skimpy outfits (hence, she's the bachelorette). Now Ashley babbles on ridiculously about some cheesy crap, and 25 guys, and how she is lucky, and all that fun stuff. Here's the lovely (?) Bachelorette.
Let's meet the men.
Ryan P. - He is a sappy, tree hugger who is in the solar industry. He seems like a hippie, who needs something "perfectly sunny" in his life. That was lame (or he's just really high).
JP - Construction worker in NYC. He's going home next week. I can already tell he's boring.
Ames - Yale, Colombia, and Harvard? Then the Bachelorette? That's what's next for you? I think he's too smart for her.
Ben C. - He's from New Orleans. Guess what? I like him. He's a chill guy.
Ben F. - Dude this guy is cute and laidback. He might be my pick to win... He's guarded, wants to find someone nice, he's the perfect pick (by the producers).
Bentley - He's the tool bag. So my mom said he's Mormon. But, he has a daughter named Cozy. Cozy?! Was he naming a child or a blanket?
Anthony - He's a Jersey Butcher. There's something wrong with the tip of his nose. Not to be rude. But maybe he cut it while butchering something.
West - Whoa! Great name! So, this guy was married before to a lovely lady. Unfortunately, she passed away, and that seems to have hurt him. West has a great story! He might win too...
William - He's the boy-next-door. So he has a pretty bad track record with girls. He's pretty cute and funny. He also stares at himself in the mirror intently. Poor guy's dad died. Oh goodness, he's a front runner too. I'll make my pick for winner at the end of the episode. Stay tuned!
So, Ashley blabs on to Chris Harrison. Then, shocker! Ashley talks about how Bentley's ex-wife told her he's not on the show for the right reasons. But clearly she doesn't give a crap, as long as he's attractive (Ashley pretty much said this, so she's relatively shallow).
Ashley Meets the Guys. Let's separate the complete tools from the semi-tools.
•Ryan P. - Mr. Hippie Cheeseball just met his sunshine.
•Jon - Tool Alert. Ashley loves his tie though, so he's a winner.
•Lucas - He's a classy Southern gentleman (this isn't a bad thing).
•William - Remember him? He's on my Possible Winner List.
•Mickey - Mouse?? He's a MAJOR tool. He just tried to kiss her.
•Tim - He looks rather stuffy and awkward. He's going home tonight.
•Ben C. - He's from New Orleans! And he speaks French. I like him.
•Stephen - He's gay (hairdresser kind of lent to that assumption). Or just socially awkward.
•Chris D. - He's cute, but kind of tool-ish. And he can't rap.
•West - He's on my list! "West?" "Yeah, opposite of East, slightly North of South." Love his introduction! He's moved up on my list. One of the few non-tools. And he gave her a compass stuck on west. I like this one.
•Anthony - He's a major tool. He looks like some actor or something and I cannot place it! It's killing me.
I remembered!!! He looks like Ben Affleck to me, at some angles. Other angles he looks like David Schwimmer. My loco mother thinks he looks like a young Nicolas Cage.
•Rob - He looks like a dweeb (I just love this word).
•Ames - Mr. Smarty Pants. I'm sorry, but I don't think Ashley is smart enough for this triple-Ivy Leaguer.
•Matt - He's kind of tool-y. And he does a handshake. Bye, bye Matt.
•Jeff - He's wearing a mask. Does he know this isn't a masquerade theme? My mom said, "What a dork." This isn't Phantom of the Opera.
•Ben F. - I like him! He seems like a sweetheart. He's on my List!
•Frank - He winked at her. Tool alert! Yech.
•Michael - He's kind of boring. A little funny.
•Chris M. - He bleaches the top of his hair. He might be European, or a tool.
•Ryan M. - He has a camera. He's kind of cute, but he looks like he should be in high school.
•JP - Mr. Boring. Hopefully he gets interesting.
•Nick - He must be the double of Matthew McConaughay (?). But a lot redder.
•Blake - He's the fellow dentist. This must be fate!
•Bentley - So Ashley thinks he's super hot. But she clearly didn't watch the previews, because we all know he ends up being a complete jerk.
•Constantine - She loves that name? Why? He's not very cute. I think he's going home tonight.
There's Ashley's 25 men! I bet she's overwhelmed... It's too much for her to handle (I'm sorry, but I don't like her. She seems extremely vapid).
All the Crap in Between (I'm really only going to say all the crazy stuff that goes down, or info on my Top 3 to Win):
Ben F. - Gotta dig this guy. He's studying wine stuff, in his words. I dig this guy because he's chill. Also, I definitely saw him on the previews for in the future.
Matt makes Ashley call his mom, Gale. She sounds like she has about 10 cats and does a lot of homemade pottery (but she's a little racy, sheesh).
Michael doesn't really play the guitar, so he throws it in the pool. I wish he actually played the gee-tar (I can't wait until I learn to play the banjo, and play it on The Bachelor, when I apply).
William is like an adult child.
Tim is raging drunk and is making a fool of himself. Nice job, you're a huge tool. So, because Tim is so drunk, Ashley understands the pressure he's under (oh, naturally, so much pressure) and sends him home before the ceremony. How unfortunate, he seemed like a real winner.
The Phantom (of the Opera) is ready to rock his mask off. I hope he wears this mask the whole season.
Ashley loves the name Cozy. I don't think she realizes Bentley is talking about a child, not a blanket.
First Impression Rose:
Ryan P. aka Mr. Sunshine.
Who Goes Home:
Ben Affleck (Anthony)
Tie Guy (Jon)
Gee-tar Guy (Michael)
So, naturally they had to keep Bentley around for awhile. Drama is needed for the viewers (the ones who think all of this is real).
My Pick to Win:
Ben F. I swear to you, America, this man will win. And if he doesn't, then I'm sorry I was wrong (but I'm usually pretty psychic with this show).
Dear Ashley, I have such a difficult time taking you seriously. Your voice is extremely annoying, and I wish I could watch this show on mute. Holy sweet Jesus.