Dear Readers, I can only assume if you are fan of this blog (or just happened to stumble upon it), you are also a fan of Stephen Colbert. Going on this assumption, here are some quotes from the most patriotic man I've ever made my hero. Onward.
"So for Lent, I'm giving up Catholicism. But which non-Catholic religion to pick? They're all equally wrong..."
"All for you, not-Jesus."
"Who knows, maybe I'll be a Scientologist. I've always wanted to be in an action film."
"I believe that this nation is the most American country the United States has ever seen." (I have used this quote in two essays. One of those may or may not have been on my AP English exam.)
(Talking about a global warming conference) "Well you balance it, experts and ministers."
"Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority."
"There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell."
"Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family."
"Happy Birthday, Charles Darwin...in hell."
"If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh that's right, you don't have a Pope. Because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one."
"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are."
"Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment."
"Once again, scientists are telling us what 'may' have happened. If they had any balls, they'd just say this is what 'did' happen, with or without evidence. That's what the Bible does."
"I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment."
"Success is being consistent...ly against what Obama says."
"When it comes to fighting AIDS, George Bush: great president or greatest president?"
"If February had any balls, it would be 3 days longer."
"Hey America, nice ass!"
"We're called America the Beautiful, not America, 'Well, At Least She Has a Nice Personality.'"
"If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it."
"If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke."
"All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ."
"I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl."
"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns."
"What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?"
"I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory."
"I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake."
"I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of."
"The truthiness will set you free!"
"I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts."
"Hey, what if we pulled out of our own civil war? We'd still have slaves! Why do you hate black people? Air tight logic!"
"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"
"A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel? Make up your mind, we're at war."
"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough."
"Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic."
"Now, isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?"
"I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history."
"Isn’t a centrist someone who doesn’t have the balls to be a fanatic?"
"Congressmen are gonna need a hell of a name. Something bold. Something sexy. Something with a little more zazz than F.E.M.A. Here's what I propose: the Storm, Accident and Viral Emergency Unconditional Relief-Support and Emendation of Loss Federation (S.A.V.E. U.R.S.E.L.F.)"
I hope you have been enlightened by the genius of Stephen Colbert. Enjoy these quotes, they just may change your life.